Early Morning Dialogue.

I am so not a morning person.  I am not social until about noon and even then, I can be irritable at the drop of a hat.  I know, I know…shocking…

Mostly I am quiet in the mornings.  If spoken to, I will be pleasant, but don’t expect me to engage you in a conversation. 

I would probably be more social if I drank coffee or anything with caffiene in it, but I have never liked tea or coffee and I weaned myself off of sodas in January.  So Spongebob Grumpypants hangs out a bit in the mornings.

Speaking of coffee…I typically get up at the butt crack of dawn everyday to fix Whirly’s coffee.  One would think we had gotten around to getting a coffee pot with a timer, but NOOOOOO….we had one, but it died, went to coffee pot heaven and I picked the wrong one, so I get to get up.

So bitchy comes with a price.

Anyway…this morning, I realized Whirly is leaving her job soon for a new one and there is a guy, Richard at her work that won’t have anyone to eat lunch with.

so our first conversation of the day runs a bit like this…

Not Morning Me:  Poor Richard.

Morning Whirly:  What?

NMM:  After Friday, he won’t have anyone to eat lunch with.  It makes me sad when people eat alone.

MW:  You eat alone everyday.

NMM:  I eat at my desk, in a room with no windows, like a veal.

MW:  You COULD go to lunch with the group though….

NMM:  No, I really can’t.

MW:  Why?

NMM:  Because as supremely execellent as my butt kissing skills may be, I simply don’t have the strength to be that nice for that long.

MW:  [laughing]  You really aren’t a nice person, are you?

NMM:  Morning, morning, I keep telling you morning….

MW:  Is there a difference?

NMM:  Yeah, by the time I get home, I can handle you folks…

MW:  It’s a good thing you’re cute…

See….NOT a morning person…damn near became a single person this morning.  Who knew Whirly was quick on the draw with a snappy comeback so early…

quite impressive!

Is this what it feels like when you hit that brick wall?

Cause let me tell you…it sucks.

I have been in a pretty good place lately.  Not letting the drudge of reality truly affect me too much.

I should have known better.

After our vacation, things have been, well, off.  Not bad, but not uncomplicated.  I could manage it, I could deal with it, but it’s just seemed to have a flat spot.

let’s see….(this is gonna get rambly and grumpy, so buckle up)

The niece got really sick and had a fever for several days.  To the point of hospital visits, ER visits and worried mommy and auntie…she’s SOOOO MUCH better now, but it was leaving early and taking long lunches for me, I have an understanding boss, but I was pushing.

Apparently, a bit too much.  As things go, I have it pretty well at the job.  I am good at what I do and I like what I do.  After a rocky start, I actually like my boss;  he’s a good guy.  I let my loyalty stand in the way of discovering this for the first few months, but I realized my loyalty to my friend doesn’t (1)pay my bills and (2)affect whether or not I respect and like the guy.  So I put on my big girl panties and got over it.

It’s still embarassing, at almost 40 years of age, the boss has to tell me to figure out what I need to focus on.  Because he needs me here and needs to depend on me.  Yeah, I have taken a bit of here and there; yeah, my work is done…but he can’t DEPEND ON ME?  oh!  that’s the button.

Someone can’t depend on me…I almost dropped my heart on the floor when he said that…from embarassment and from dread, that I am not dependable…the horror!!!! 

He corrected me, he can depend on me, my work is excellent, but he knows I am capable of more than I am doing, more in my capacity as a manager.  I know he’s right, which makes me madder at myself because I have no one to blame but me. 

I have to re-prove, again, that I am committed to my job.  It’s not in jeopardy, he strongly stresses to me.  He doesn’t want me to quit or leave, nor am I being written up or even verbally reprimanded.  He wants to make sure I am here.  which just fuels me EVEN more.  ugh!

urgh!

or there’s always this old gem….

I have a daughter that is moving into her first apartment in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS!!!!  That alone is causing major stress on me for two reasons (1) she doesn’t have a car and (2) she hasn’t saved two dimes. 

In all my years as a parent, I have tried and tried to instill some responsibility in my children.  My daughter has fought me every step of the way. 

I haven’t seen much of her since then, she is gone every night and hasn’t begun packing.  I try to talk to her, but at this point, anything I say sound as if I am controlling her and the situation (her words) so I don’t or we are in a nasty, NASTY fight…the kind from two weeks ago that got her put out of the house for the night.  (good thing her bestie is a block away). 

I don’t fight back anymore, because I don’t want it to end that way.  I don’t want her last weeks at home to be remembered by how much we fought.  And she is completely taking advantage of it.   I need a break from it. 

I ache when I think of how much I will miss her, how empty it will feel, but we both need the space.  She needs to get out, on her own and learn that it’s not all handed to you. 

I feel enormous guilt because I can’t provide her with a car, but our rent is $300 MORE per month than my house payment, willingly paid each month to keep her close to her friends so she can graduate with them. 

Help me out here…$300 x 24 months = $7,200.00.

There’s your car.  Enjoy.

But she doesn’t see it that way.  And it’s been hard to explain that Whirly took a lower paying job to be home in the afternoons.  That Whirly pays HER bills, but I am responsible for them.  It doesn’t math out for the daughter, who thinks that I have put Whirly ahead of all others and that the daughter has suffered because I didn’t have the funds to provide a vehicle to the ONLY STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL to not have a car.

This is the same student who went to every dance in a new outfit, every banquet, every concert and party she wanted. 

The only thing I made her responsible for was her cell phone.  She’s had a job for two years and overdrafts her account more than the government does…

and yet, I am the designated dumpee….

and stay tuned for the newest ballad…

I have a family member in the midst of a “holy shit” moment…a huge issue that as much as it isn’t my battle, I find I keep getting drawn into it.  Even when I actually say the words “I don’t want to be part of this.”  I find that I am, because that’s family.  Yet, I want help.   And it seems to not be offered, even in the smallest of doses.  Because WE all need to help.  WE all are part of this family WE all need to maybe change our plans, adjust our needs and get this taken care of.  The sooner, the better.

As it stands, I will be changing my plans, I will be adjusting my needs and Whirly and I will help get it taken care of.  No thanks to others.  Sadly friends and friends OF friends are stopping, dropping and helping.  With no hidden agenda.

and finally…

…we are moving, already given our notice to the landlord and as of this moment, do not have a home.  BECAUSE the one we liked, the one we thought was ours, well…my credit sucks and that is the end of that.

We do have a contingency plan, another one we like too, but it’s not the one that we liked the best.  It’s the one we liked first and the son is stoked over it, so that’s a bonus.

If I can get the guy to call me back.  eeeeekkk!!!!!!

Because right now, in a month, I am homeless.  And the son starts school in 6 weeks. 

His acceptance of this is paramount to me.  He has to be happy where we move because it’s gonna be his home.  And I don’t want him to feel left out of decisions.  He’s got enough on his plate dealing with a douchebag dad and family that can lay a guilt trip on him like no one else.  At no point should a 10 (almost 11 mom!) year old feel guilty for being loved.  Nor should he feel an ounce of hurt because someone can show an ounce of comfort, support and love for him.  I mean, someone other than me…cause that’s soooo uncool!

Did I mention in the last 10 days the boy has had an earache and now pink eye….?  yeah….

It’s all starting to pile up on me.  All the pressure.  No, I can’t fix it all, but everyone looks to me, calls me, wants me there…so no, I don’t want to, I want to say “get away from me, leave me be….”  but I can’t.  I got too many people who can’t seem to function without me.  And I am beginning to not function well at all.

if I don’t, I fear no one will.  Then I have to clean up what is left behind, because these folks in my orbit can’t clean up after themselves. 

That big brick wall is looming faster and faster in front of me…please Lord, put a door in it before I get there…

I need my faith now, more than ever…I need to feel it get me through these times, simply because…

I am frightened.

I’m a Ramblin’ (Wo)Man…

Well, we have gotten to the point that we are counting hours until vacation time.  Meaning, the son, has been counting down hours for the past 7 days…

“It’s only 168 hours, 167 hours 166 hours until we leave, right mom?”

whoo-whee, I need this vacation.  we skipped a vacation last year because with gas at $4.69 a gallon, driving to work was a vacation! 

so, summer is here (well technically, in 4 days) and I am mindful that summer is both a blessing and the bane of my existence.

The kids have a pool, DVD players, XBox, computers, Playstations, PSP and Nintendo DS’s.  Did I mention they HAVE A POOL? 

They have basketball, skateboards, bicycles, games, books, legos and a park ACROSS THE STREET…

and they are bored….

well, the son is…the daughter is a party animal and doesn’t come home except to sleep and shower.  Not really, kinda….she works all day, then it’s play time.  So I have seen her a total of about 40 minutes since graduation.

This vacation will trap her in a car with me for 8 hours.  And then in a condo for 6 days….except when we are on the beach.

Now, we all know how the daughter and I are like gasoline and a match in the car…but we have two others riding with us that are a buffer.  And Whirly has gotten me some Tylenol PM, so I will knock myself out and sleep most of the way…I hope.  It would be a real pisser to start a vacation fighting for control of the radio.

This is the first vacation in THIRTY years that my sister, my mom and I have all been on together.  Last time was S. Padre Island when I was nine.  We had a blast.  Well, the sister and I did….chasing sand crabs across our mommy’s feet!  She didn’t seem to appreciate this as much as we did.

We’ve decided to pack up the daughter, the son, the daughter’s bestie (and my favorite friend), the mother, the sister, the niece and one of my besties Tanner…

this should make for a glorious trip.  We will either all love each other or hate each other by the time we get back. 

I sure hope it doesn’t turn into some weird episode of Survivor and we start voting people off.  Because there’s only three cars and someone is gonna get left behind.

Wish me luck.

State of the Union, Stephanie Style.

Well, here we are again, at the end of another year…a time of reflection.  And since I will be uber-busy tomorrow, I won’t have time to think, much less post my thoughts.

 

My thoughts run wild and rampant tonight and there are so many things to say, things I feel and yet, most I keep to myself, as it’s my way.  But there are some I want to share, there are people that I want to recognize, as they have affected my life this year, in ways I never expected.

 

First and foremost, I want to mention I could not, would not, have made it through this year without my faith in the Lord Above.  I have relied on Him and tested Him in ways that would confound even, well, Him; I have floated on my faith and been carried through some truly rough times, I questioned His wisdom occasionally and I fell…but only far enough to learn the lesson and pull myself back up.  I never ONCE felt He left my side.  I could only hope for this kind of blind faith in Him, in SOMETHING for everyone I know.  It’s a peaceful, calming feeling…knowing that I am not alone, even in my darkest times.  Amen!

 

Now…let’s get this party started…

 

To say me and my folks, friends and family alike, have had a roller coaster of a year, is a complete and utter understatement.  It’s been one hell of a ride!

 

Let it also be understood, I am not intentionally leaving you out of my blog for any reason other than well…the mind is a terrible thing to waste and most days, I don’t have the capacity to put two thoughts together logically.  I am POSITIVE I am leaving folks out…

 

Here’s to THAT friend…the one that never lets me forget who I am, and who I can be.  Kenner has been my warrior and my sounding board.  When I have a problem, she is the first person I run to…aside from those inside my four walls…I can’t thank you enough for your never-ending faith, trust, love and honor.  It’s truly in those quiet times that I realize just how much you are a part of my soul.  My best friend…my sister of choice…

 

Here’s to the two that honestly have been handed more lemons than any two people I know and have continuously made lemonade. For Shae and Phyllis…in my lifetime, I have never, NEVER met two people that had a more positive outlook on EVERYTHING.  It’s almost nauseating…

      

For Shae…she has made her own choices and NOT listened to her big sissy…and we ALL know how that NEVER works…yet…when the chips were down, I was the first person she call to be there for her.  And her strength amazes me.  Always amazes me.  Our relationship has changed again this year and I see her as something I have never seen her as.  An adult.  Well done baby sister.  Well done.

 

For Phyllis…my Sweet P…the Grace of God has seen her through the passing of her father and her aunt with an amazing strength.  It has seen her through the toughest part of a relationship and made her more compassionate than I thought one human could be.  He saw her through a horrific car accident that could have taken her from me…and for that, I believe that Phyllis has a higher purpose here.  Phyllis, my life is sweeter because of you.  I am so glad you are here.

 

For the friend from a lifetime ago, Tanner; I don’t think that had we “hung out” in high school we would be where we are today.  And for that, I am so grateful that it took twenty years for our friendship to blossom.  Your laugh brightens my day and you have shown me that new old friends are sometimes the best ones to have.  You showed me just how good a friend you are and you never even knew you did it.    I am forever grateful you are in my corner.  You are golden, Tanner…there aren’t many like you.

 

For my mother…good God…I do not know where to start with this woman…she has knocked on deaths door more times than should be allowed and I have to say…for the first time in at least 9 years…we went a FULL YEAR with no HOSPITAL visit…did you realize that???  I have tested my mom…her patience, her sanity, her temper, time after time after time…and through it all…she reminded me what it’s like to be a mom.  Not the PERFECT mom, by my mom…thank you…I don’t know how else to say it.  Thank. You.

 

My little Lilleebutt…the pride of the clan…you are so much like your Aunt Stephie, it is unreal!!! I will promise to protect you from the dumb boys that will make you cry and to be there when mean mommy grounds you for sneaking out, talking back, missing curfew (I said she was like me!!!).  I will have your mommy’s back, but I remember what a turd she was way back when and I am the one to regale you with these stories.  Never lose that gleam in your eye…that laugh in your smile and that sass in your step…you little one…make my life merrier.

 

Then there’s the fam damily…

 

Oh, the son…the youngest of this clan.  The only testosterone in this House of Estrogen; poor thing.  He is picked on, pushed around, loved and cherished.  Through it all, he loves it.  We all want the best for this little man.  My brave one.  He is my whistler in the morning and my smile at night.  The boy will grow into the man he is terrified to be before I know it and I already mourn the fact that sooner rather than later…he will be my baby boy no more.  My world in infinitely better because of you!

 

Ah…the daughter.  I have raged, cried, boasted and laughed at her, with her and because of her.  She is the whole reason I am a mommy and it hurts my heart to know that she is on the threshold of adulthood and my role in her life, the one that is influx right now, will be changing, permanently so very soon.  She is my touchstone.  My fiercest protector and my biggest fan.  She is gorgeous, loud, brazen and demanding…just who I wish I could be.  You are my breath and reason for living.  You make it better, just with that 1,000 watt smile of yours.  Thank you for allowing me to watch the show…

 

My Whirly Girl…I have never loved another with the ferocity that I love you.  I can’t say it any simpler than that.  You make me brighter, happier and better than I could be without you.  You are what was missing from me.  And with four small words, made all my dreams come true. 

 

Whew…almost done…you still with me?

 

Here’s to the friend of long distance…the one that I crave to get back to.  I will, when the time is right…you have stayed in my life for this long and I have treasured our friendship for as long as I can remember.  You are my support from afar and I feel smarter just knowing you. Thank you for stickin’ around!

 

Here’s to the unnamed, yet never forgotten people.  You have come into or out of my life for a reason.  You have shown me that strength, laughter, the best and the worst.  I wish only that you continue to get everything in life that you deserve and desire.  We will never be far apart and I am merely a phone call away.

 

Here’s to the support for the blog surfers that read what I put out here…You have re-ignited a passion in me that makes me WANT to write more.  It’s inspired a long lost dream. That you read it, comment on it and support me…fuels my ambitions and makes me want to be so much more creative.  Thank you for helping me in ways you may never understand.  It’s an honor to be a part of this “blog-o-sphere family.”

 

Lastly, here’s to me…yes.  me…I have put so many in front of me that I forgot that I can take care of no one if I don’t care for me first.  I have only resolution in the coming year.  It’s not for a smaller waist or lower number on the scale.  It’s not more money or a better job or to even win the lottery…its one simple sentence.

 

I resolve to put me first. 

 

So, so long 2008; you have been quite a year.  You have shown me the best and worst in folks and that I have a faith and a strength that I never knew I could muster. 

 

I wish you well…

 

Hello…2009…buckle up!!!

My life, in a rambling nutshell.

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have to say, I am pretty amused at my life right now.

It’s good.  I am flat ass broke all the time, but all in all…it’s a good life.

I wrote a long, drawn out blog this week and have gotten tons of support for it.  I want to thank everyone who read it, responded, or had a discussion with someone else.  It’s my opinion, however right or wrong it may be, but it’s mine.  If you don’t like it, there’s a little red “X” in the top right corner…please, feel free to click it.

My job is going well.  It’s been strange.  I got a new boss about 6 months ago.  He’s decidedly NOT the boss I signed up for when I started the job.  I have, however, gotten used to him and he’s actually a pretty cool guy.  FUNNY…and he has that dirty, dry sense of humor that I do.  I have to admit, I did resist a bit at first, as well, he wasn’t My Maria.  My Maria that I had followed to two separate jobs.  My Maria, my mentor. 

 

Now, Maria gets to be My Friend.  That’s all.  And that works really great too.  She’s amazing as my friend and I depend on that friendship.

But the New Guy, he leaves me be.  Let’s me manage myself and I can be a real bitch when I feel like it and he will look at me, shrug and walk away.  I don’t bother him…which is cool.  I usually warn him before the bitch button is pressed.  And he just smiles, or laughs and moves on by.  But he will listen to me when I need him to, support me when I am right or wrong, and doesn’t call me out in front of everyone.  Which is a bonus, cause when I am acting like an asshole…don’t call me out…pull me aside, it works MUCH better.  It’s been great…I get my work done and I get to have the time I need off for kid stuff…yep…today, the New Guy gets two thumbs up!

So…home life is sweet.  The Whirly Mom was here last weekend.  And I will say it, I really enjoyed the visit.  I know she has a hard time that her daughter will never be “the norm.”  That it’s not the lifestyle she wanted for her daughter.  But I think the Whirly Girl and the Whirly Mom have settled into a ebb & flow that allows them to enjoy their time together without the angst that goes with all things gay…

It was a nice, sunny weekend.  We had good food, good wine (Thank you Wendie) and great conversations.  We laughed and listened.  I told the Whirly Girl yesterday as we were cooking dinner (togetherness at its best!) that I actually missed her mom and stepdad.  And there wasn’t a lightning bolt to be had…

I did not get dress yesterday.  Meaning, I took a shower put on housepants and a t-shirt and laid on the couch all.day.long.  Well, I did get up and scratch now and then.  But the daughter was busy, the son was biking with his buddies…I have not had a day where I didn’t talk to anyone NOT in front of me in months.  I don’t know that I even spoke that much at all….it was WONDERFUL!!!

Got a bit of work done.  Just what I needed to do to get a step ahead this next week.  But it was done from the couch.  Cause I am talented like that!

So here I am…home from church, reveling in my soon to be President.  My children are healthy and happy.  My partner is blissful.  I have found that I have some really good friends.  My needs are provided for and my faith runneth over…

It’s good to be alive…

The Taming of the Shrew

Current mood: stressed

It’s not my fault.  Well not ALL of it….

Please understand how much I adore my baby girl.  She is funny, smart, beautiful and the whole reason I became a mommy.  I am proud of her for so many things.

Her room is decidedly NOT one of those things…so here we go…in an effort to explain my neurosis, my compulsion for all thing NAGGISH…

I am sitting here, 48 hours and counting until SHE enters my orbit. 

SHE being the “Whirly Mom” as it were.  The Whirly Girl’s mommy is stopping through Dallas on her way to Mexico for the winter.  This isn’t new, it’s not unexpected, and it’s not all unpleasant.

The moment that the Whirly Mom gets here, it’s all smiles and relaxing… 

 

Oh, no…but the week leading UP to the visit leaves me somewhere in the vicinity of the 7th Circle of Hell.  The Whirly Girl is a nutjob.  Neurotic, high strung and just bitchy.  And the closer the visit gets, the nuttier she gets.  Which makes me bitchy. 

And we all know just how bitchy I am….well, folks, buckle up!!!

 

So, the daughter thinks that I am WAY too, er, “strident” in my cleaning rituals. 

Meaning, the daughter hasn’t cleaned a bathroom, washed a dish or picked up a broom in oh, 6 months, minimum. 

I gave up fighting her on it.  Meaning, I would end up frustrated and yelling, she gets pissy, which causes a fight and then the house is in an uproar, I am calling my sister and my mommy in tears and the daughter is calling her dad in tears to come pick her up. 

You KNOW it’s bad when she makes THAT call…

So…..

Away I go, picking up what they (meaning everyone INCLUDING me) leave lying around, mumbling to myself about what a sheep I am and how I don’t have a back bone, getting pissier and pissier until I open her door….

Uh-oh….

I see….well….this….

wow….yup….THIS….

Yup.  Pretty, huh?  There is actually A PATH cleared to her bed….

Wanna know who else had a room of this caliber growing up…you betcha…

the sister was the ORIGINAL slob that made me nuts, so it just goes to show that it RUNS IN MY MESSY FAMILY!!!

See, it’s the FIRST TIME the Whirly Girl’s mom has seen our new home.  And the Whirly Girl wants it to be great.  The Whirly Mom already has issues with the whole “gay” thing (oh, you didn’t know…yeah, well, we’re gay…)

The Whirly Mom likes me, as the Whirly Girls BEST FRIEND.  That we are anything else, well, it makes her pucker.  The Whirly Girl doesn’t want to give her anything other than the gay thing to pick on.  I think we should personally make it look as if we lived in a biohazard just so she COULD have something else to talk about, but I gotta respect the Girl.

Back to THE room….I have been asking for a week.  “Please, clean your room.”  “Please clean your room.”  And I get “I am tonight” on Tuesday night and “I am tonight” on Wednesday night and again…”I am tonight” tonight….after the football game.

OK, OK, before you tell me I should have just made her stay home and clean it up, it was her last senior varsity football game and I am a schmuck and I relented. 

I seem to relent alot when it comes to her.  But I can relent and keep harmony or dig my heels in and have the daughter throw her fit and tell everyone how unfair I am or how crazy I am. 

I want it to come across that I am cautious, that I have been there, done that.  Alas…the teenager wants to make her OWN mistakes.  Only I have to pick up after them, as they are my responsiblity until she is 18.  *sigh*

So tonight, I picked the daughter up from work, intent on bringing her home when I instead took her to her game, listening to all the promises along the way about The Room.

The daughter wonders why I yell.  The daughter wonders why I get crazy and insane.  I get insane when I have to ask for a week to get something picked up.  I get insane that I have to follow behind the pigs I live with all day, every day.  I get insane when I pick everything up in a room and then I turn around 20 minutes later and it looks as if a bomb went off AGAIN!!!  Or if the mess flows over to MY room and is left for me.  yea me…..

If I get that upset, the Whirly Girl must be over the moon, having to pick up after ME!!!!

Well, as I tried to explain, this weekend is important to the Whirly Girl, so we need to support her.  She supports all of us, especially the daughter, and the daughter, more than anyone else, should have the Whirly Girl’s back.

It’s taking everything I have to keep the two of us from entering and cleaning the daughter’s room, for our own mental well being.

So…to tame this shrew…just pick the clothes up, put the glasses in the kitchen, shove it all in the closet if necessary.  Just make it pretty for me now.  I don’t ask for much anymore.  I just need the appearance that I am in control. 

Just.for.this.weekend.

Monday, our normal programming can resume. 

I am more than my vote…

Wow…where has the year gone?  I mean seriously….it’s OCTOBER….10 weeks from Christmas!!!  Yes…10!!!

soooo…buckle up, here’s a big mess of stream of consciousness for ya! 

I have been a really busy girl lately and when not busy, I have been in a deep dark hole of irritation that borders on homicidal.  Not really, but a girl can dream, right?

It was a pretty fan-fucking-tastic summer, I will say…I have connected with some really great people and have seen the dark side of others.  Alas, as some friendships have strengthened, others have faltered.  It’s the way of life and as such, it sucks.

I really want to tell folks to get a clue.  That your actions truly do affect others and by not acknowledging them, it doesn’t make them go away, it just pisses me off.  To the point, that I won’t be where you are.  Childish?  Probably…but I feel self-righteous in my indignation, so I will stew in it.  Trust me, I can hold on to a grudge like no other….ask the sister….

I have gotten out of the drama business.  I have removed myself and have two people I discuss it with, the Whirly Girl, only because, well, she sleeps with me, and then a new (old) friend that knows the who and the what going on and we only discuss it with each other.  And it’s not very often, but just enough to keep our head above water.  No use both of us being blindsided…

Then we get to the big wide world…

I have always prided myself on being a knowledgeable person, meaning, I do know what the hell is going on around me.  I may not understand the full extent of it, nor do I want to, but I do get it.  I promise.

This election is coming down to being one of the ugliest in recent history.  And by ugly, the definition I am using, is my own:  I have friends on both sides….Conservatives and Liberals.  It’s my “Bi” nature I guess.  I love them all dearly and do not for a moment let their politics color or change my opinion of these people.  I love them.  They need to know that….

I will say this one.last.time….I am going to vote my conscience.  Not yours, mine.  I appreciate all that you have to say.  Understand, the more you go at me about how McCain is the answer or Obama is our only hope, I am going to dig my heels in. 

What I find offensive are the personal attacks.  What I find offensive is we, as a society, have fed this.  We have allowed the media whores to feed us this bullshit with sugar on it and tell us that it’s what matters.  Folks, for me, it’s health care, Social Security, care for our elderly, our homeless, our vets (who are fighting an un-winnable war, thankyouverymuch).   We truly need to take care of OURSELVES….

Enough….blech….it makes me grumpy…I am exhausted with grumpy…

So…back to my busy month…year….day….whatever…

I have been a PTA mom, a homecoming mum designer, a banker, a hostage negotiator, a therapist and a maid, sometimes all in one day…it’s now down to this…

mommy is tir-red.  mommy is sick.  mommy is probably coming down with strep throat….again….

Went to the doctor with the daughter the other day, jumped on a scale and voila!  Mommy has gained 12 pounds…BUUUUULLLLshit….you read it right…12 fat pounds…

I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have neglected the one person I should take care of first, ME!!!  I can’t do anything for anyone else if I am nosedeep in Vicks Vapor-Rub and Zithromyician.  Damnit…I hate being sick.

And I don’t have time for it.  I have apples to dip in caramel for carnival tomorrow.  I have towels to fold, I have dinners to prepare….a mechanical bull to ride…I can’t be sick…but I am.

The daughter is learning really hard money lessons right now.  Like when she overdrafts her account $150+, and her pay check is $175, she’s not going to be able to get the really expensive jeans she wants….and by really expensive, she wants True Religion jeans, which roll in at $150 to start….

This is what gets me about her, she has expensive tastes…really expensive.  And for Christmas, she’ll ask for these really expensive presents knowing full well that mommy can’t do that.  Not with living on the world’s tighest budget (down to the last DIME!!!) and there are two other children (the son and the niece) that deserve presents.  But it always sets me up for failure, for letting her down, AGAIN.  I don’t understand this and it has become part of some of the nastiest loudest fights we have ever had.  I want to give her the world, but she needs a reality check that I fear she won’t get until she is on her own. 

We just got through Homecoming with her and can I brag for just a moment…my daughter is GORGEOUS!!!  not because I am biased and her mommy….but damn…she is a beautiful woman.  I am amazed that she is of me simply because as much as she infuriates me, she blows me away.  She is smart, when she chooses to be, she’s athletic, she’s popular and damnit….she is FUNNY!!!  My daughter is what I wished I was in high school.  She’s “That” girl…the one that everyone knows and likes.  She was nominated as a Junior Favorite last year and they are betting she will be nominated a Senior Favorite this year.  Yep…you don’t get much better than her…

The son is dealing with a whole ‘nother set of issues.  The dad.  The douchebag of a father that he has.  Or as I call him, the Useless Sack of Skin aka The Sperm Donor aka The Respondent.  He is non-existent unless I call him to MAKE him come get his son.  He doesn’t call, well, I take that back…he called drunk the other night and got into a fight with his daughter…niiiice….ANYHOO….the son idolizes his dad.  And I am ok with that, because I know that he needs that…but I want to tell him how his dad really is.  How his dad won’t be at his games, that his dad won’t call, that he is selfish and can’t be bothered with anyone else.  But I don’t.  I say positive things.  blech….the dad is a dick.  I have never hated anyone in my life, and God forgive me, there are days I STRONGLY dislike him more than others…

ANYHOO….the son is basketballing again and it feels good to see him back into sports.  We were worried about his grades and he is a strong “B” Honor Roll student.  He is working to overcome is learning disability and I am so proud of him.  It takes more some days than others, but he’s maturing into a strong young man and that unnerves me a bit.

It’s my favorite time of the year…fall…it’s special to me and the Whirly Girl.  Our anniversary is the beginning of October and the crispness of the air, the cooler nights, the sweaters…all signals that we have made it through another one.  Together.  I love her, with all that I can.  All that I am.  She makes me brighter and better, just for knowing her.

My life is blessed.  I have a faith that is unshakable and tanamount to my character.  I share it with all those that I can.  I depend on it and it sees me through many situations.  I have a great relationship with my family and my friends and it’s deepened by my desire for each of them to have peace and joy.  Some days it’s better than others, but that faith is always there.

I think it’s time to go wrap some apples… the mind is drawing blank and the throat is scratchy…tomorrow is the carnival, the halloween costume and candy shopping…the baking…

Next month…I gotta figure out how to seat everyone and who eats white meat vs. dark meat…I love Thanksgiving…

Then…well…you know…Christmas…holy moly…Christmas…!

Lordy…this year has gone by fast!!!

Don’t they learn?

A while back, I posted a blog about Sally Kern, one peach of a republican, and now, well, here goes John McCain…..

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“I think that we’ve proven that both parents are important in the success of a family so, no, I don’t believe in gay adoption.”

- Republican presidential hopeful John McCain tells The New York Times

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Now, see, I don’t understand why it is anyone’s business what my sexuality is.  I don’t think my sexuality has any bearing on my ability to be a parent.  And as a child of a gay parent, I don’t think it affected me.  Oh, yes, you may say….well, gay mom…gay daughter…..

Folks, I lived with MY DAD….who abundantly was NOT gay! 

We live in a time when people say it’s genetic, or it’s nurture vs. nature.  We live in a time where we HAVE to put blame SOMEWHERE, just to make it through.  It’s necessary that we point out the differences in each other as either character or physical flaws.  And we wonder about the decline of civilization.

Then you get some blowhole like McCain up there, talking about shit, just to get the publicity.  We have kids being abused, physically, mentally emotionally by their biological parents.  By foster parents….by those that the “system” finds ”NORMAL” because there is a man and a woman married in the home.

Except mommy is a drunk and daddy is sticking it to the kids.  And if they resist….he beats them.  OR the situation is vice versa……

Now, settle down, settle down…..not all nuclear families are like this.  I know LOTS of breeder (straight) people that are married, happily with kids.  I know they work, they love and the compromise and have wonderful, full, radiant lives.  I look up to these families that make it work.  It’s a wonderous thing.

I also know families that aren’t traditional.  They have two mommies.  Or two daddies.  And they too are wonderful, full and radiant.  They are just as committed to the children and each other as the breeders are, they just have one difference.

They love each other differently BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

I am a mommy in a gay relationship.  My kids have two mommies.  They have two mommies that love them, adore them, teach them respect and honor.  They have two mommies that go to EVERY basketball, softball, Tae Kwon Do, and soon to be football game they play in.  They have two mommies involved with PTA and the carpool at school.  They have two mommies that the teachers and principals know by sight, because they make sure they know the teachers and the principals.  They have two mommies who will work crazy hours to get these the clothes they want, to ensure they have food on their plates, a roof over their head and all the peace and comfort they can handle. 

My kids had a nuclear family.  The mommy and daddy….’cept daddy drinks.  ALOT.  And mommy decided that it was much more hazardous to have the kids around daddy, riding in a car with daddy or being left in the care of daddy.  And I can say this as my daughter hobbled on a broken ankle for TWO DAYS because daddy didn’t want to leave the lake….and oh, I can go on….trust that….

This mommy met the Whirly Girl and became fast friends.  We got along like two peas in a pod….until this mommy decidedly began to have “other” feelings for her friend.  So sue me.  I wasn’t born gay, I wasn’t raised gay….but here I am.  If being with her makes me gay, then so be it.

So, we get back to gay people, kids and dillweed’s retarded comment.

Not all kids are lucky to be born into a home of love and happiness.  Some are born addicted.  Some are born disabled.  Some are born and thrown away with the garbage.  These kids, do they not deserve two parents that love THEM, regardless of how they love each other?  Do these kids deserve to have at minimum ONE parent to love them?

We hear stories all the time of the abuse in foster homes, group homes, how kids are homeless, abused or forgotten….and because Chuck and Bob do the damn thing in their bedroom with a door closed, they can’t love these kids?

I think you should personally go to every group home, every overworked, overextended foster care agency and look at every worker, every child there and tell them,  “Don’t let them go with the gays.  They are not good role models or parents.  You should STAY in foster care/group home/homeless/or abused.  It’s MUCH better for you because there is a mommy and a daddy, not daddy and a daddy.”  See how well that goes over….

Mr. McCain, you represent the type of Republican that I cannot get behind.  I thought you were smarter than that….wow, underwhelmed doesn’t begin to touch the well, does it?

See, I am a gay woman.  I am a mother.  I am a damn good partner and a fantastic mother.  I have never been to rehab or do I have anger management issues. 

Can you say the same?

I am open minded, unconditionally a friend, mother, sister and daughter.  And am now fully and proudly, never to look back, in a Democratic state of mind.   I don’t think you and ol’ Sally Kern will ever get it together….

YOU DON’T ALIENATE YOUR CONSITUTES IN AN ELECTION YEAR Boy Wonder…..smooth move.

My God, my faith, doesn’t allow for these judgements.  I am suprised at your “Christian” faith allowing you to do the same.  But I bet every queer, fag, lesbian and gay boy out there forgives you.  You can’t undo ignorance of this magnitude.  THIS is genetic…..

If you want, go here http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/us/politics/13mccain.html and read the whole article….I am sure I am overreacting, but it’s my blog and I can overreact if I want to…

Love, baby, yeah….

Can I tell you how much I love the Whirly Girl?  How much better my life is with her in it?

I want to write her love songs, but I can’t sing.  So I put little love notes in her car for her to find at random times.

i want to just be around her all the time.  Working, playing, being quiet.  Just be close to her. 

She adds to everything.  She adds a spark to the family unit.  She adds laughter to my friends.  I am so grateful that my friends are her friends and her friends are mine.  I actually think at times, my friends like her more than me.

I love that my family accepts her.  It’s not been easy, but in time, she has won them over.  She has two kids that ADORE her and are just like me….they love to be around her. 

It’s not always been easy, but I have always been sure.  I knew that I loved her from early on.  And after a short time together (sorta), I knew we would be together in the end.  I have trusted her when others told me not to.  She is my other half and I am grateful every morning that I get to wake up and see her baby blues looking back at me.

So, I can’t write her a love song, but I can write her this love letter.   

My corazón my alma , Amo thee siempre…

Allow me to ramble….try to keep up…

I am trying harder to write in my blog daily or at least 3-4 times a week.  I have been told that many enjoy it.  But I seem to run out of interesting things to say.  It’s all a mish mash in my head most of the time and when I get an inspiration, I will sit, jot it down and then it becomes what you read…..not much, but hey, it’s mine, right?

I have been told on more than one occasion lately, four to be exact, that this here blog is great and that people want to keep reading it and that I should write a book.  One person told me, “This is how Erma Bombeck got started.”  Which is amazing, because I LOVE Erma Bombeck….I keep thinking “hmmm, do people really want to hear what I have to say?”  “What if I run out of things to say?”  To this, I was told, “Only so many read your blog, how many millions would read your book?”  Would someone actually pay money to read what I have to write?  I mean it’s no “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star” or anything….additionally, do I have the energy to be funny, insightful and quippy for 180 pages?  Can it be large text, double spaced?  Can I get a ghost writer?  Can it BE Erma Bombeck?

My mind is a wandering tonight….pay attention, try to keep up….below, is what I do before I put it all together…..

…just got home from DATE night with the Whirly Girl and the super duo, P&E…who are two people that I don’t have the words for HOW MUCH I ADORE THEM!!!!  I don’t often let people in, really in, to who I am….and these two, well, let’s just say I threw that door WIDE OPEN and let them settle in.  I have no fear that they will ever hurt or betray me and they love me and are as loyal to me as I am to them…..

ANYWAY….home from dinner…..yummm….good company and big people conversation.  I love sushi!  And I loved the look on P&E’s faces when I gave them a suprise, just because I can….I love making people smile! 

We went and picked the son up earlier from his week at gramma’s…..oh, how I missed the boy!  I just want to go snuggle in with him and smell his little boy smell of clean hair and toothpaste….while he sleeps and snores….just like I used to hold him and his sister when they were babies….just sit and stare….I am a sucker for these two kids and they know it!!!!

I am so grateful that the mother is THAT gramma….the one that the kid can go spend a week with and have those memories.  I have them of my Mamaw and Grandad….spending the summers with them, playing, napping, having gramma cooked dinner….my mac & cheese (I am a SUCKER for homemade mac & cheese!).  We have gotten through the hard times, the miscommunication and are on a more level playing field.  This doesn’t mean I am not going to have to re-program the son, meaning….no Riley, you can’t have everything you want, you are home, not at grammas, you have CHORES here…sorry buddy….but as he gets older, he’s just older….I can’t explain…..

Maggie is going to be a lifeguard this summer, I think.  Man, she is gorgeous.  And mine.  I am moreso proud that I got a really pretty kid and she is genetically linked to me.  I watch her laying by the pool or on the couch and it hits me, this is probably my last summer having her in my house.  Everyday.  And it stirs an ache in me.  I don’t want her to go, yet I know, that I will see her more than I think I will, I will be doing laundry for her, feeding her and when it’s time to do the dishes…..she’s gone….pretty much like it is now, just well, pretty much like it is now…..but my, I am a SUCKER for this kid.  I try to be this hard strict parent, and well, yeah…..that doesn’t seem to work…..damnit.

There are soooo many movies I wanna see….Get Smart, Hancock, Eagle Eye…..Sex and the City (again!), the Incredible Hulk (which I have heard you need to see AFTER you see IronMan, which I did already).  I want to take a day and spend it in an air conditioned theater and watch them all…..

I get my hair cut by my longest known friend in a little under twelve hours tomorrow.  Renda has been doing hair since we were 6.  If is wasn’t mine or hers, it was our Barbies….to say that this is a woman born to do hair is an understatement.  And for some reason, I am so incredibly nervous about seeing her, in the most excited way!

My birthday is coming up.  I am excited about having a birthday party and at the same time, sitting back with a low level of cynicism to see who shows up.  See, parties at the casa haven’t exactly drawn a crowd in the past year.  Oh contraire…..I have LOTS of people saying they will be there, yet they do not show….yeah, thanks….so they are saying they are gonna show again, so I will buy the food, cook the food and watch it go bad…..but I will keep trying….gotta have faith….mmmmm, I gotta have faith, a-faith, a-faith, I gotta have faith…..!

I gotta get this place picked up and get some photos taken for Sandy.  She wants to see where I a living, so I have promised to post some shots.  I sure do miss seeing her.  She is smart in a very high intelligent way, the same way Ursula is and I usually feel really dumb when talking to either of them but I do love to hear what they have to say!  I get smarter by osmosis….Sandy is a staunch Republican and Ursula is a die-hard Democrat, the thought of having the two of them in the same room alternately excites me at the thought of the conversations and terrifies me at the same thought…..good thing one is in Michigan and the other in Virginia….cause I don’t know if Texas can handle all three of us.

I wanna go to Houston to see my bestie….Kenner….she was here last weekend and it was probably one of my favorite visits with her, just sitting on my deck, drinking margaritas, eating watermelon and having a cigarette or two (her, not me).  I can talk to Kendra like no other….we can catch up in a matter of moments and just click….I truly believe that all soulmates are NOT romantic, that you can have more than one soulmate and I believe that Kendra is one of my soulmates.  I treasure our friendship.

I think I need to go to bed.  I am tired and have the overwhelming urge to be around my family.  I wish my sister lived closer.  She’s only in Mesquite, which is about 25 minutes away, but right now, that’s too far.  I want my Lillee,  who I will pick up tomorrow.  I want my mom, my sister, my kids, Leslie, the whole family around me RIGHT NOW……but I get that way….I strongly depend on my family.  We are crazy, opinionated, flawed and we are Tullos women.  My sister is my biggest defender (no, Shae, not a fat thing) and consequently my largest (again, not a fat thing) pain in the rump.  She gets knocked down, gets back up and goes back for more.  I used to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to save her from herself, which typically backfired on me and in the end, she did what she wanted anyway….so there…..and I (being the sheep that I am) relented and let her do it her way….she exhausts me and I want her to live NEXT DOOR!!!!

Ramble…ramble….ramble….did you make it through?