Is this what it feels like when you hit that brick wall?

Cause let me tell you…it sucks.

I have been in a pretty good place lately.  Not letting the drudge of reality truly affect me too much.

I should have known better.

After our vacation, things have been, well, off.  Not bad, but not uncomplicated.  I could manage it, I could deal with it, but it’s just seemed to have a flat spot.

let’s see….(this is gonna get rambly and grumpy, so buckle up)

The niece got really sick and had a fever for several days.  To the point of hospital visits, ER visits and worried mommy and auntie…she’s SOOOO MUCH better now, but it was leaving early and taking long lunches for me, I have an understanding boss, but I was pushing.

Apparently, a bit too much.  As things go, I have it pretty well at the job.  I am good at what I do and I like what I do.  After a rocky start, I actually like my boss;  he’s a good guy.  I let my loyalty stand in the way of discovering this for the first few months, but I realized my loyalty to my friend doesn’t (1)pay my bills and (2)affect whether or not I respect and like the guy.  So I put on my big girl panties and got over it.

It’s still embarassing, at almost 40 years of age, the boss has to tell me to figure out what I need to focus on.  Because he needs me here and needs to depend on me.  Yeah, I have taken a bit of here and there; yeah, my work is done…but he can’t DEPEND ON ME?  oh!  that’s the button.

Someone can’t depend on me…I almost dropped my heart on the floor when he said that…from embarassment and from dread, that I am not dependable…the horror!!!! 

He corrected me, he can depend on me, my work is excellent, but he knows I am capable of more than I am doing, more in my capacity as a manager.  I know he’s right, which makes me madder at myself because I have no one to blame but me. 

I have to re-prove, again, that I am committed to my job.  It’s not in jeopardy, he strongly stresses to me.  He doesn’t want me to quit or leave, nor am I being written up or even verbally reprimanded.  He wants to make sure I am here.  which just fuels me EVEN more.  ugh!

urgh!

or there’s always this old gem….

I have a daughter that is moving into her first apartment in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS!!!!  That alone is causing major stress on me for two reasons (1) she doesn’t have a car and (2) she hasn’t saved two dimes. 

In all my years as a parent, I have tried and tried to instill some responsibility in my children.  My daughter has fought me every step of the way. 

I haven’t seen much of her since then, she is gone every night and hasn’t begun packing.  I try to talk to her, but at this point, anything I say sound as if I am controlling her and the situation (her words) so I don’t or we are in a nasty, NASTY fight…the kind from two weeks ago that got her put out of the house for the night.  (good thing her bestie is a block away). 

I don’t fight back anymore, because I don’t want it to end that way.  I don’t want her last weeks at home to be remembered by how much we fought.  And she is completely taking advantage of it.   I need a break from it. 

I ache when I think of how much I will miss her, how empty it will feel, but we both need the space.  She needs to get out, on her own and learn that it’s not all handed to you. 

I feel enormous guilt because I can’t provide her with a car, but our rent is $300 MORE per month than my house payment, willingly paid each month to keep her close to her friends so she can graduate with them. 

Help me out here…$300 x 24 months = $7,200.00.

There’s your car.  Enjoy.

But she doesn’t see it that way.  And it’s been hard to explain that Whirly took a lower paying job to be home in the afternoons.  That Whirly pays HER bills, but I am responsible for them.  It doesn’t math out for the daughter, who thinks that I have put Whirly ahead of all others and that the daughter has suffered because I didn’t have the funds to provide a vehicle to the ONLY STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL to not have a car.

This is the same student who went to every dance in a new outfit, every banquet, every concert and party she wanted. 

The only thing I made her responsible for was her cell phone.  She’s had a job for two years and overdrafts her account more than the government does…

and yet, I am the designated dumpee….

and stay tuned for the newest ballad…

I have a family member in the midst of a “holy shit” moment…a huge issue that as much as it isn’t my battle, I find I keep getting drawn into it.  Even when I actually say the words “I don’t want to be part of this.”  I find that I am, because that’s family.  Yet, I want help.   And it seems to not be offered, even in the smallest of doses.  Because WE all need to help.  WE all are part of this family WE all need to maybe change our plans, adjust our needs and get this taken care of.  The sooner, the better.

As it stands, I will be changing my plans, I will be adjusting my needs and Whirly and I will help get it taken care of.  No thanks to others.  Sadly friends and friends OF friends are stopping, dropping and helping.  With no hidden agenda.

and finally…

…we are moving, already given our notice to the landlord and as of this moment, do not have a home.  BECAUSE the one we liked, the one we thought was ours, well…my credit sucks and that is the end of that.

We do have a contingency plan, another one we like too, but it’s not the one that we liked the best.  It’s the one we liked first and the son is stoked over it, so that’s a bonus.

If I can get the guy to call me back.  eeeeekkk!!!!!!

Because right now, in a month, I am homeless.  And the son starts school in 6 weeks. 

His acceptance of this is paramount to me.  He has to be happy where we move because it’s gonna be his home.  And I don’t want him to feel left out of decisions.  He’s got enough on his plate dealing with a douchebag dad and family that can lay a guilt trip on him like no one else.  At no point should a 10 (almost 11 mom!) year old feel guilty for being loved.  Nor should he feel an ounce of hurt because someone can show an ounce of comfort, support and love for him.  I mean, someone other than me…cause that’s soooo uncool!

Did I mention in the last 10 days the boy has had an earache and now pink eye….?  yeah….

It’s all starting to pile up on me.  All the pressure.  No, I can’t fix it all, but everyone looks to me, calls me, wants me there…so no, I don’t want to, I want to say “get away from me, leave me be….”  but I can’t.  I got too many people who can’t seem to function without me.  And I am beginning to not function well at all.

if I don’t, I fear no one will.  Then I have to clean up what is left behind, because these folks in my orbit can’t clean up after themselves. 

That big brick wall is looming faster and faster in front of me…please Lord, put a door in it before I get there…

I need my faith now, more than ever…I need to feel it get me through these times, simply because…

I am frightened.

If it peels, do I lose my tan?

ahhhh….I haven’t decided what’s better, the actual vacation or the first smell of home when you walk in the door.

oh, who am I fooling?  The VACATION is always better, right?

Let’s hit the highlights, then we shall delve deeper, m-kay?

1)  There are LOTS of jellyfish in the ocean

2)  Jellyfish will sting you.

3)  It hurts when a jellyfish stings you.

4)  No two people parent their children the same way.

5)  NEVER travel with folks who have unresolved issues.

6)  Always bring enough panties.

7)  Don’t travel for a birthday.  It is an underwhelming experience.

8)  The differences between an 18 year old, a 10 year old and a  5 year old are drastically magnified after an 8 hour car ride.

9)  Take long walks on beaches.  Build sandcastles.  Look at shells.

10) Drama doesn’t take vacations.

Let me say, I am glad I took this vacation.  I am glad that I went with everyone that I did.  It has taught me many things. 

We stayed in an AMAZING condo right on the beach on Mustang Island.  We have been staying at the same place for the past 13 years and have always had a wonderful time.  This year was not an exception.  Most of the time.

The room was fantastic and I will make sure to request it again, as I am already making reservations for next year.  I love going to the beach, feeling the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt in the air and the rapid slow down that I feel as I step one foot, then two feet into the warm, loose sand.  ahhhhhh…..

Now I promised a blog about the experience of traveling with the whole family, the bestie and the “foster” daughter.  Well, let’s just say, I probably built this trip WAY up in my mind, that we were all going to re-discover our close connections and that happiness was just going to abound.

yeah….I set myself up.

So I am going to say this, as this is my blog and I can air out what I feel, how I feel and when I feel it, because, well, I can…

I had a good time.  I could have had a better time if certain people had just left their bullshit at home for the duration of the trip.  It’s not like I ask for a lot of anything.  I asked for manners.  I asked for respect.  I asked you to shut up and not drag the ENTIRE group into your bullshit. 

We had good days, but there wasn’t a single, solitary day that didn’t have a degree of bullshit to it.  Somehow, someway, I spent at least 30 minutes of my vacation dealing with multiple personalities, passive agressive behavior, ill manners, stomping around, crying and accusations.

And this was from the adults. 

The kids, well, they are kids…they fart, burp, say inappropriate things, but they are kids.  I will 100% take responsibility for my two, for their actions, for their manners.  Others need to do the same. 

This was not just your vacation.  Any of you that I am thinking of as I am typing this…not helping, not “pitching in”, taking advantage of my not wanting to cause conflict…well, here is your comeuppance. 

You pissed me off.  And now, you will know…

Not helping with the meals, not helping with the dishes, or picking up the wet towels…it’s rude and lazy.  Expecting that some Condo Fairy was going to pick up after your lazy asses was the wrong assumption.  It was me.  You’re welcome.  And your attempts at “helping” as in “I did the dishes once…”  (There were five days, count ‘em!) well, they were just as lazy as if you sat there watching me do it from your cozy chair, couch, bed, etc. 

And deciding every fucking day needed to have a dose of soap opera…that wasn’t necessary.  I Tivo’d General Hospital the whole week…I didn’t need the live action version.  But the screaming at me on my birthday was an awesome present…especially since I wasn’t out of bed yet.

So no…there probably won’t be anymore vacations like this.  Sorry.  I don’t shell out the money I do so I can have the same conversations with folks everyday…no one had an outstanding time.  And it wasn’t all one person that acted up…there were several. 

I find that it’s ironic…the children were at times MUCH more well behaved than the adults.  I can’t imagine what we are teaching them.

blech….

On a more positive note, I have walked away with a rockin’ tan…I look like a coffee bean.  Not as coffee bean as the niece…I swear, I could actually sit and watch her as she tanned…not burned like the rest of us…but just browned up…

The look on the son’s face will carry me through.  From our bodysurfing together, to our walks on the beach, to watching him catch fish and crabs and shrimp.  That shining face, his eyes lit up…made me happier than I can explain.

…as will the sound of laughter as my daughter dropped her cool facade and just became my girl…for a week…her laugh and smile is burned in my memory.

I have not had as much fun looking for shells as I did with my niece…she was fascinated with everyone of them that I put in her hands and I loved building the sandcastle with her and the son…I think it was the best part of my trip…just me, the niece, the son and the sister…in the evening shade, building a sandcastle. 

That the bestie and the daughter thought it would be fun to destroy later that night.  grrr…..

If I could take all the awesome parts of the trip, throw out the ugly moments, we would have a day left…we wasted too much time on the score keeping, the hurt feelings, the menutiae….we got bogged down in bullshit. 

and that makes me infintely sad.

I think I am going to go check on my sunburn, look at the pictures I took (a joy from my dad…I am in few, because I am behind the camera) and remember the fun times…and let go of the bad ones.

I hope the others can follow my lead.

I’m a Ramblin’ (Wo)Man…

Well, we have gotten to the point that we are counting hours until vacation time.  Meaning, the son, has been counting down hours for the past 7 days…

“It’s only 168 hours, 167 hours 166 hours until we leave, right mom?”

whoo-whee, I need this vacation.  we skipped a vacation last year because with gas at $4.69 a gallon, driving to work was a vacation! 

so, summer is here (well technically, in 4 days) and I am mindful that summer is both a blessing and the bane of my existence.

The kids have a pool, DVD players, XBox, computers, Playstations, PSP and Nintendo DS’s.  Did I mention they HAVE A POOL? 

They have basketball, skateboards, bicycles, games, books, legos and a park ACROSS THE STREET…

and they are bored….

well, the son is…the daughter is a party animal and doesn’t come home except to sleep and shower.  Not really, kinda….she works all day, then it’s play time.  So I have seen her a total of about 40 minutes since graduation.

This vacation will trap her in a car with me for 8 hours.  And then in a condo for 6 days….except when we are on the beach.

Now, we all know how the daughter and I are like gasoline and a match in the car…but we have two others riding with us that are a buffer.  And Whirly has gotten me some Tylenol PM, so I will knock myself out and sleep most of the way…I hope.  It would be a real pisser to start a vacation fighting for control of the radio.

This is the first vacation in THIRTY years that my sister, my mom and I have all been on together.  Last time was S. Padre Island when I was nine.  We had a blast.  Well, the sister and I did….chasing sand crabs across our mommy’s feet!  She didn’t seem to appreciate this as much as we did.

We’ve decided to pack up the daughter, the son, the daughter’s bestie (and my favorite friend), the mother, the sister, the niece and one of my besties Tanner…

this should make for a glorious trip.  We will either all love each other or hate each other by the time we get back. 

I sure hope it doesn’t turn into some weird episode of Survivor and we start voting people off.  Because there’s only three cars and someone is gonna get left behind.

Wish me luck.

Economic dialogue with the Son…

As the son gets older, he gets wiser…and so much funnier. 

Alright, I will admit, his sarcastic nature probably comes from me and is nutured by the fact that he lives with women.  ONLY women.  There are some strong male role models and yes, even some of these are women…(I jest!!!)

So, I was taking the son to the grandmother the other day and the following conversation almost caused a wreck.  a funny almost wreck but still…a wreck…

Son:  “Mom, do you think that the poeple who live in those big houses have kids?”

Me:  “I would hope so.  Seems like an awfully big house to only have two people in it, right?”

Son:  “Yeah, but they wouldn’t have to share the bathrooms.”

[pause]

Son:  “Mom, how do the people pay for those big houses and all those cars?”

Me:  “They work, like I do.  They make money, they save money, they pay their bills and have nice houses.”

Son:  “They make a lot of money.  What do they do?”

Me:  “They are probably doctors, lawyers or people who have invested really well.”

Son:  “Explain investing.”

Me:  “You put money into a business or some land and hope that it gets more valuable, then when you sell it, you have more money than you put into it to start, understand?”

Son:  “Sorta, what happens when there’s not worth anything?”

Me:  “It’s called a loss.   Ummm…..ok, like when your sister borrows $10 bucks from you….”

Son:  “She borrows MORE THAN THAT!!!”  (said with great emphasis)

Me:  “I know.  But let’s pretend that she only borrows $10, and in a week, she comes back and says  ”Hey, I know I borrowed $10, but I only have $8.  So I can only give you this much.”  That’s a loss.   But if she says “Here, I borrowed $10, and I will give you a whole $20 bill for helping me out. ”  You just made how much?”

Son:  “A million dollars because I am gonna go play the lottery…”

I love that kid…

in the olden days…

My son asked me when I got my MySpace page, as he is wanting (1) said MySpace page, (2)cell phone & (3)a curfew. 

Did I mention the boy is 10?  (almost 11 MOM!!!)

So, no, at 10 I didn’t have any of the above…

MySpace came along about 4 years ago to track the daughter and became my fascination…until Facebook…and Facebook happened 6 months ago.   It wears me out…

I have figured out that Facebook and MySpace are the same thing as a time machine for the most part…I can go back to high school at any moment, but is that a good or a bad thing?  I guess it depends on the day and the picture that is posted!

Then came this here blog about 2 years ago and I have yet to run out of things to say…

I remember my dad FORCING me and my sister to take the cell phone and the diaper bag you had to carry it in when we went somewhere.  It was what, $4.50 per minute and we HATED it.  Now the daugher hyperventilates if she leaves the house without it.

I have personally LOST three and cannot tell you where the current one is.  I think it’s in the car…(hope, hope or it’s #4)

We didn’t have MySpace or Facebook or YouTube or Twitter.  What the hell is Twitter exactly?

I am contemplating getting rid of the MySpace page and/or the Facebook and just doing this…maybe…I’m pretty wishy washy about it and he thinks it crazy I would get rid of any of it.

We had Pong on Atari and no MTV.  He has a Playstation II, an XBox 360, a Nintendo DS and a PSP.   We didn’t have a remote until I was 11. 

Our telephone had a cord on it until I was 15.  And we thought it was great fun to have a “party line.”

My kids stare at me like I have three heads and a horn growing out of the middle head. 

*sigh* when did I become old?

Sa-weet!!!! I cannot wait!!!

Seeing as I am bascially a large child at heart…I submit, the shiz-nit I cannot sit still waiting for it to pop up on a big screen…PLEASE, PLEASE, be at the IMAX first!!!! 

 

 

OR…

 

 

OR!!!

 

And don’t forget!!!

 

 

So much for a summer tan…and hello Twizzlers!!!

 

oh…better take the son…yeah…he’ll be the excuse I use to see all of these!!!  whoot!

State of the Union, Stephanie Style.

Well, here we are again, at the end of another year…a time of reflection.  And since I will be uber-busy tomorrow, I won’t have time to think, much less post my thoughts.

 

My thoughts run wild and rampant tonight and there are so many things to say, things I feel and yet, most I keep to myself, as it’s my way.  But there are some I want to share, there are people that I want to recognize, as they have affected my life this year, in ways I never expected.

 

First and foremost, I want to mention I could not, would not, have made it through this year without my faith in the Lord Above.  I have relied on Him and tested Him in ways that would confound even, well, Him; I have floated on my faith and been carried through some truly rough times, I questioned His wisdom occasionally and I fell…but only far enough to learn the lesson and pull myself back up.  I never ONCE felt He left my side.  I could only hope for this kind of blind faith in Him, in SOMETHING for everyone I know.  It’s a peaceful, calming feeling…knowing that I am not alone, even in my darkest times.  Amen!

 

Now…let’s get this party started…

 

To say me and my folks, friends and family alike, have had a roller coaster of a year, is a complete and utter understatement.  It’s been one hell of a ride!

 

Let it also be understood, I am not intentionally leaving you out of my blog for any reason other than well…the mind is a terrible thing to waste and most days, I don’t have the capacity to put two thoughts together logically.  I am POSITIVE I am leaving folks out…

 

Here’s to THAT friend…the one that never lets me forget who I am, and who I can be.  Kenner has been my warrior and my sounding board.  When I have a problem, she is the first person I run to…aside from those inside my four walls…I can’t thank you enough for your never-ending faith, trust, love and honor.  It’s truly in those quiet times that I realize just how much you are a part of my soul.  My best friend…my sister of choice…

 

Here’s to the two that honestly have been handed more lemons than any two people I know and have continuously made lemonade. For Shae and Phyllis…in my lifetime, I have never, NEVER met two people that had a more positive outlook on EVERYTHING.  It’s almost nauseating…

      

For Shae…she has made her own choices and NOT listened to her big sissy…and we ALL know how that NEVER works…yet…when the chips were down, I was the first person she call to be there for her.  And her strength amazes me.  Always amazes me.  Our relationship has changed again this year and I see her as something I have never seen her as.  An adult.  Well done baby sister.  Well done.

 

For Phyllis…my Sweet P…the Grace of God has seen her through the passing of her father and her aunt with an amazing strength.  It has seen her through the toughest part of a relationship and made her more compassionate than I thought one human could be.  He saw her through a horrific car accident that could have taken her from me…and for that, I believe that Phyllis has a higher purpose here.  Phyllis, my life is sweeter because of you.  I am so glad you are here.

 

For the friend from a lifetime ago, Tanner; I don’t think that had we “hung out” in high school we would be where we are today.  And for that, I am so grateful that it took twenty years for our friendship to blossom.  Your laugh brightens my day and you have shown me that new old friends are sometimes the best ones to have.  You showed me just how good a friend you are and you never even knew you did it.    I am forever grateful you are in my corner.  You are golden, Tanner…there aren’t many like you.

 

For my mother…good God…I do not know where to start with this woman…she has knocked on deaths door more times than should be allowed and I have to say…for the first time in at least 9 years…we went a FULL YEAR with no HOSPITAL visit…did you realize that???  I have tested my mom…her patience, her sanity, her temper, time after time after time…and through it all…she reminded me what it’s like to be a mom.  Not the PERFECT mom, by my mom…thank you…I don’t know how else to say it.  Thank. You.

 

My little Lilleebutt…the pride of the clan…you are so much like your Aunt Stephie, it is unreal!!! I will promise to protect you from the dumb boys that will make you cry and to be there when mean mommy grounds you for sneaking out, talking back, missing curfew (I said she was like me!!!).  I will have your mommy’s back, but I remember what a turd she was way back when and I am the one to regale you with these stories.  Never lose that gleam in your eye…that laugh in your smile and that sass in your step…you little one…make my life merrier.

 

Then there’s the fam damily…

 

Oh, the son…the youngest of this clan.  The only testosterone in this House of Estrogen; poor thing.  He is picked on, pushed around, loved and cherished.  Through it all, he loves it.  We all want the best for this little man.  My brave one.  He is my whistler in the morning and my smile at night.  The boy will grow into the man he is terrified to be before I know it and I already mourn the fact that sooner rather than later…he will be my baby boy no more.  My world in infinitely better because of you!

 

Ah…the daughter.  I have raged, cried, boasted and laughed at her, with her and because of her.  She is the whole reason I am a mommy and it hurts my heart to know that she is on the threshold of adulthood and my role in her life, the one that is influx right now, will be changing, permanently so very soon.  She is my touchstone.  My fiercest protector and my biggest fan.  She is gorgeous, loud, brazen and demanding…just who I wish I could be.  You are my breath and reason for living.  You make it better, just with that 1,000 watt smile of yours.  Thank you for allowing me to watch the show…

 

My Whirly Girl…I have never loved another with the ferocity that I love you.  I can’t say it any simpler than that.  You make me brighter, happier and better than I could be without you.  You are what was missing from me.  And with four small words, made all my dreams come true. 

 

Whew…almost done…you still with me?

 

Here’s to the friend of long distance…the one that I crave to get back to.  I will, when the time is right…you have stayed in my life for this long and I have treasured our friendship for as long as I can remember.  You are my support from afar and I feel smarter just knowing you. Thank you for stickin’ around!

 

Here’s to the unnamed, yet never forgotten people.  You have come into or out of my life for a reason.  You have shown me that strength, laughter, the best and the worst.  I wish only that you continue to get everything in life that you deserve and desire.  We will never be far apart and I am merely a phone call away.

 

Here’s to the support for the blog surfers that read what I put out here…You have re-ignited a passion in me that makes me WANT to write more.  It’s inspired a long lost dream. That you read it, comment on it and support me…fuels my ambitions and makes me want to be so much more creative.  Thank you for helping me in ways you may never understand.  It’s an honor to be a part of this “blog-o-sphere family.”

 

Lastly, here’s to me…yes.  me…I have put so many in front of me that I forgot that I can take care of no one if I don’t care for me first.  I have only resolution in the coming year.  It’s not for a smaller waist or lower number on the scale.  It’s not more money or a better job or to even win the lottery…its one simple sentence.

 

I resolve to put me first. 

 

So, so long 2008; you have been quite a year.  You have shown me the best and worst in folks and that I have a faith and a strength that I never knew I could muster. 

 

I wish you well…

 

Hello…2009…buckle up!!!

He is singing my song…

Tonight, as we are watching Drake & Josh (don’t ask), it’s just the son and I in the den…me out in the worldwideweb looking for an old friend, full on stalker mode and him…chillin on the couch…and I hear in a soft hum of a voice…

Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah
Show ‘em how we do it now
Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah
Show ‘em how we do it now

NO JOKE!!!!  how funny is that.  I literally had to stop what I was doing and make him sing it louder, which actually made him sing it softer as he was embarrassed. 

Can’t tell me where he heard it…just popped into his head…

it’s a funny little groovy world, isn’t it???

 

My life, in a rambling nutshell.

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have to say, I am pretty amused at my life right now.

It’s good.  I am flat ass broke all the time, but all in all…it’s a good life.

I wrote a long, drawn out blog this week and have gotten tons of support for it.  I want to thank everyone who read it, responded, or had a discussion with someone else.  It’s my opinion, however right or wrong it may be, but it’s mine.  If you don’t like it, there’s a little red “X” in the top right corner…please, feel free to click it.

My job is going well.  It’s been strange.  I got a new boss about 6 months ago.  He’s decidedly NOT the boss I signed up for when I started the job.  I have, however, gotten used to him and he’s actually a pretty cool guy.  FUNNY…and he has that dirty, dry sense of humor that I do.  I have to admit, I did resist a bit at first, as well, he wasn’t My Maria.  My Maria that I had followed to two separate jobs.  My Maria, my mentor. 

 

Now, Maria gets to be My Friend.  That’s all.  And that works really great too.  She’s amazing as my friend and I depend on that friendship.

But the New Guy, he leaves me be.  Let’s me manage myself and I can be a real bitch when I feel like it and he will look at me, shrug and walk away.  I don’t bother him…which is cool.  I usually warn him before the bitch button is pressed.  And he just smiles, or laughs and moves on by.  But he will listen to me when I need him to, support me when I am right or wrong, and doesn’t call me out in front of everyone.  Which is a bonus, cause when I am acting like an asshole…don’t call me out…pull me aside, it works MUCH better.  It’s been great…I get my work done and I get to have the time I need off for kid stuff…yep…today, the New Guy gets two thumbs up!

So…home life is sweet.  The Whirly Mom was here last weekend.  And I will say it, I really enjoyed the visit.  I know she has a hard time that her daughter will never be “the norm.”  That it’s not the lifestyle she wanted for her daughter.  But I think the Whirly Girl and the Whirly Mom have settled into a ebb & flow that allows them to enjoy their time together without the angst that goes with all things gay…

It was a nice, sunny weekend.  We had good food, good wine (Thank you Wendie) and great conversations.  We laughed and listened.  I told the Whirly Girl yesterday as we were cooking dinner (togetherness at its best!) that I actually missed her mom and stepdad.  And there wasn’t a lightning bolt to be had…

I did not get dress yesterday.  Meaning, I took a shower put on housepants and a t-shirt and laid on the couch all.day.long.  Well, I did get up and scratch now and then.  But the daughter was busy, the son was biking with his buddies…I have not had a day where I didn’t talk to anyone NOT in front of me in months.  I don’t know that I even spoke that much at all….it was WONDERFUL!!!

Got a bit of work done.  Just what I needed to do to get a step ahead this next week.  But it was done from the couch.  Cause I am talented like that!

So here I am…home from church, reveling in my soon to be President.  My children are healthy and happy.  My partner is blissful.  I have found that I have some really good friends.  My needs are provided for and my faith runneth over…

It’s good to be alive…

I am more than my vote…

Wow…where has the year gone?  I mean seriously….it’s OCTOBER….10 weeks from Christmas!!!  Yes…10!!!

soooo…buckle up, here’s a big mess of stream of consciousness for ya! 

I have been a really busy girl lately and when not busy, I have been in a deep dark hole of irritation that borders on homicidal.  Not really, but a girl can dream, right?

It was a pretty fan-fucking-tastic summer, I will say…I have connected with some really great people and have seen the dark side of others.  Alas, as some friendships have strengthened, others have faltered.  It’s the way of life and as such, it sucks.

I really want to tell folks to get a clue.  That your actions truly do affect others and by not acknowledging them, it doesn’t make them go away, it just pisses me off.  To the point, that I won’t be where you are.  Childish?  Probably…but I feel self-righteous in my indignation, so I will stew in it.  Trust me, I can hold on to a grudge like no other….ask the sister….

I have gotten out of the drama business.  I have removed myself and have two people I discuss it with, the Whirly Girl, only because, well, she sleeps with me, and then a new (old) friend that knows the who and the what going on and we only discuss it with each other.  And it’s not very often, but just enough to keep our head above water.  No use both of us being blindsided…

Then we get to the big wide world…

I have always prided myself on being a knowledgeable person, meaning, I do know what the hell is going on around me.  I may not understand the full extent of it, nor do I want to, but I do get it.  I promise.

This election is coming down to being one of the ugliest in recent history.  And by ugly, the definition I am using, is my own:  I have friends on both sides….Conservatives and Liberals.  It’s my “Bi” nature I guess.  I love them all dearly and do not for a moment let their politics color or change my opinion of these people.  I love them.  They need to know that….

I will say this one.last.time….I am going to vote my conscience.  Not yours, mine.  I appreciate all that you have to say.  Understand, the more you go at me about how McCain is the answer or Obama is our only hope, I am going to dig my heels in. 

What I find offensive are the personal attacks.  What I find offensive is we, as a society, have fed this.  We have allowed the media whores to feed us this bullshit with sugar on it and tell us that it’s what matters.  Folks, for me, it’s health care, Social Security, care for our elderly, our homeless, our vets (who are fighting an un-winnable war, thankyouverymuch).   We truly need to take care of OURSELVES….

Enough….blech….it makes me grumpy…I am exhausted with grumpy…

So…back to my busy month…year….day….whatever…

I have been a PTA mom, a homecoming mum designer, a banker, a hostage negotiator, a therapist and a maid, sometimes all in one day…it’s now down to this…

mommy is tir-red.  mommy is sick.  mommy is probably coming down with strep throat….again….

Went to the doctor with the daughter the other day, jumped on a scale and voila!  Mommy has gained 12 pounds…BUUUUULLLLshit….you read it right…12 fat pounds…

I have been so busy taking care of everyone else, that I have neglected the one person I should take care of first, ME!!!  I can’t do anything for anyone else if I am nosedeep in Vicks Vapor-Rub and Zithromyician.  Damnit…I hate being sick.

And I don’t have time for it.  I have apples to dip in caramel for carnival tomorrow.  I have towels to fold, I have dinners to prepare….a mechanical bull to ride…I can’t be sick…but I am.

The daughter is learning really hard money lessons right now.  Like when she overdrafts her account $150+, and her pay check is $175, she’s not going to be able to get the really expensive jeans she wants….and by really expensive, she wants True Religion jeans, which roll in at $150 to start….

This is what gets me about her, she has expensive tastes…really expensive.  And for Christmas, she’ll ask for these really expensive presents knowing full well that mommy can’t do that.  Not with living on the world’s tighest budget (down to the last DIME!!!) and there are two other children (the son and the niece) that deserve presents.  But it always sets me up for failure, for letting her down, AGAIN.  I don’t understand this and it has become part of some of the nastiest loudest fights we have ever had.  I want to give her the world, but she needs a reality check that I fear she won’t get until she is on her own. 

We just got through Homecoming with her and can I brag for just a moment…my daughter is GORGEOUS!!!  not because I am biased and her mommy….but damn…she is a beautiful woman.  I am amazed that she is of me simply because as much as she infuriates me, she blows me away.  She is smart, when she chooses to be, she’s athletic, she’s popular and damnit….she is FUNNY!!!  My daughter is what I wished I was in high school.  She’s “That” girl…the one that everyone knows and likes.  She was nominated as a Junior Favorite last year and they are betting she will be nominated a Senior Favorite this year.  Yep…you don’t get much better than her…

The son is dealing with a whole ‘nother set of issues.  The dad.  The douchebag of a father that he has.  Or as I call him, the Useless Sack of Skin aka The Sperm Donor aka The Respondent.  He is non-existent unless I call him to MAKE him come get his son.  He doesn’t call, well, I take that back…he called drunk the other night and got into a fight with his daughter…niiiice….ANYHOO….the son idolizes his dad.  And I am ok with that, because I know that he needs that…but I want to tell him how his dad really is.  How his dad won’t be at his games, that his dad won’t call, that he is selfish and can’t be bothered with anyone else.  But I don’t.  I say positive things.  blech….the dad is a dick.  I have never hated anyone in my life, and God forgive me, there are days I STRONGLY dislike him more than others…

ANYHOO….the son is basketballing again and it feels good to see him back into sports.  We were worried about his grades and he is a strong “B” Honor Roll student.  He is working to overcome is learning disability and I am so proud of him.  It takes more some days than others, but he’s maturing into a strong young man and that unnerves me a bit.

It’s my favorite time of the year…fall…it’s special to me and the Whirly Girl.  Our anniversary is the beginning of October and the crispness of the air, the cooler nights, the sweaters…all signals that we have made it through another one.  Together.  I love her, with all that I can.  All that I am.  She makes me brighter and better, just for knowing her.

My life is blessed.  I have a faith that is unshakable and tanamount to my character.  I share it with all those that I can.  I depend on it and it sees me through many situations.  I have a great relationship with my family and my friends and it’s deepened by my desire for each of them to have peace and joy.  Some days it’s better than others, but that faith is always there.

I think it’s time to go wrap some apples… the mind is drawing blank and the throat is scratchy…tomorrow is the carnival, the halloween costume and candy shopping…the baking…

Next month…I gotta figure out how to seat everyone and who eats white meat vs. dark meat…I love Thanksgiving…

Then…well…you know…Christmas…holy moly…Christmas…!

Lordy…this year has gone by fast!!!