Early Morning Dialogue.

I am so not a morning person.  I am not social until about noon and even then, I can be irritable at the drop of a hat.  I know, I know…shocking…

Mostly I am quiet in the mornings.  If spoken to, I will be pleasant, but don’t expect me to engage you in a conversation. 

I would probably be more social if I drank coffee or anything with caffiene in it, but I have never liked tea or coffee and I weaned myself off of sodas in January.  So Spongebob Grumpypants hangs out a bit in the mornings.

Speaking of coffee…I typically get up at the butt crack of dawn everyday to fix Whirly’s coffee.  One would think we had gotten around to getting a coffee pot with a timer, but NOOOOOO….we had one, but it died, went to coffee pot heaven and I picked the wrong one, so I get to get up.

So bitchy comes with a price.

Anyway…this morning, I realized Whirly is leaving her job soon for a new one and there is a guy, Richard at her work that won’t have anyone to eat lunch with.

so our first conversation of the day runs a bit like this…

Not Morning Me:  Poor Richard.

Morning Whirly:  What?

NMM:  After Friday, he won’t have anyone to eat lunch with.  It makes me sad when people eat alone.

MW:  You eat alone everyday.

NMM:  I eat at my desk, in a room with no windows, like a veal.

MW:  You COULD go to lunch with the group though….

NMM:  No, I really can’t.

MW:  Why?

NMM:  Because as supremely execellent as my butt kissing skills may be, I simply don’t have the strength to be that nice for that long.

MW:  [laughing]  You really aren’t a nice person, are you?

NMM:  Morning, morning, I keep telling you morning….

MW:  Is there a difference?

NMM:  Yeah, by the time I get home, I can handle you folks…

MW:  It’s a good thing you’re cute…

See….NOT a morning person…damn near became a single person this morning.  Who knew Whirly was quick on the draw with a snappy comeback so early…

quite impressive!

Is this what it feels like when you hit that brick wall?

Cause let me tell you…it sucks.

I have been in a pretty good place lately.  Not letting the drudge of reality truly affect me too much.

I should have known better.

After our vacation, things have been, well, off.  Not bad, but not uncomplicated.  I could manage it, I could deal with it, but it’s just seemed to have a flat spot.

let’s see….(this is gonna get rambly and grumpy, so buckle up)

The niece got really sick and had a fever for several days.  To the point of hospital visits, ER visits and worried mommy and auntie…she’s SOOOO MUCH better now, but it was leaving early and taking long lunches for me, I have an understanding boss, but I was pushing.

Apparently, a bit too much.  As things go, I have it pretty well at the job.  I am good at what I do and I like what I do.  After a rocky start, I actually like my boss;  he’s a good guy.  I let my loyalty stand in the way of discovering this for the first few months, but I realized my loyalty to my friend doesn’t (1)pay my bills and (2)affect whether or not I respect and like the guy.  So I put on my big girl panties and got over it.

It’s still embarassing, at almost 40 years of age, the boss has to tell me to figure out what I need to focus on.  Because he needs me here and needs to depend on me.  Yeah, I have taken a bit of here and there; yeah, my work is done…but he can’t DEPEND ON ME?  oh!  that’s the button.

Someone can’t depend on me…I almost dropped my heart on the floor when he said that…from embarassment and from dread, that I am not dependable…the horror!!!! 

He corrected me, he can depend on me, my work is excellent, but he knows I am capable of more than I am doing, more in my capacity as a manager.  I know he’s right, which makes me madder at myself because I have no one to blame but me. 

I have to re-prove, again, that I am committed to my job.  It’s not in jeopardy, he strongly stresses to me.  He doesn’t want me to quit or leave, nor am I being written up or even verbally reprimanded.  He wants to make sure I am here.  which just fuels me EVEN more.  ugh!

urgh!

or there’s always this old gem….

I have a daughter that is moving into her first apartment in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS!!!!  That alone is causing major stress on me for two reasons (1) she doesn’t have a car and (2) she hasn’t saved two dimes. 

In all my years as a parent, I have tried and tried to instill some responsibility in my children.  My daughter has fought me every step of the way. 

I haven’t seen much of her since then, she is gone every night and hasn’t begun packing.  I try to talk to her, but at this point, anything I say sound as if I am controlling her and the situation (her words) so I don’t or we are in a nasty, NASTY fight…the kind from two weeks ago that got her put out of the house for the night.  (good thing her bestie is a block away). 

I don’t fight back anymore, because I don’t want it to end that way.  I don’t want her last weeks at home to be remembered by how much we fought.  And she is completely taking advantage of it.   I need a break from it. 

I ache when I think of how much I will miss her, how empty it will feel, but we both need the space.  She needs to get out, on her own and learn that it’s not all handed to you. 

I feel enormous guilt because I can’t provide her with a car, but our rent is $300 MORE per month than my house payment, willingly paid each month to keep her close to her friends so she can graduate with them. 

Help me out here…$300 x 24 months = $7,200.00.

There’s your car.  Enjoy.

But she doesn’t see it that way.  And it’s been hard to explain that Whirly took a lower paying job to be home in the afternoons.  That Whirly pays HER bills, but I am responsible for them.  It doesn’t math out for the daughter, who thinks that I have put Whirly ahead of all others and that the daughter has suffered because I didn’t have the funds to provide a vehicle to the ONLY STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL to not have a car.

This is the same student who went to every dance in a new outfit, every banquet, every concert and party she wanted. 

The only thing I made her responsible for was her cell phone.  She’s had a job for two years and overdrafts her account more than the government does…

and yet, I am the designated dumpee….

and stay tuned for the newest ballad…

I have a family member in the midst of a “holy shit” moment…a huge issue that as much as it isn’t my battle, I find I keep getting drawn into it.  Even when I actually say the words “I don’t want to be part of this.”  I find that I am, because that’s family.  Yet, I want help.   And it seems to not be offered, even in the smallest of doses.  Because WE all need to help.  WE all are part of this family WE all need to maybe change our plans, adjust our needs and get this taken care of.  The sooner, the better.

As it stands, I will be changing my plans, I will be adjusting my needs and Whirly and I will help get it taken care of.  No thanks to others.  Sadly friends and friends OF friends are stopping, dropping and helping.  With no hidden agenda.

and finally…

…we are moving, already given our notice to the landlord and as of this moment, do not have a home.  BECAUSE the one we liked, the one we thought was ours, well…my credit sucks and that is the end of that.

We do have a contingency plan, another one we like too, but it’s not the one that we liked the best.  It’s the one we liked first and the son is stoked over it, so that’s a bonus.

If I can get the guy to call me back.  eeeeekkk!!!!!!

Because right now, in a month, I am homeless.  And the son starts school in 6 weeks. 

His acceptance of this is paramount to me.  He has to be happy where we move because it’s gonna be his home.  And I don’t want him to feel left out of decisions.  He’s got enough on his plate dealing with a douchebag dad and family that can lay a guilt trip on him like no one else.  At no point should a 10 (almost 11 mom!) year old feel guilty for being loved.  Nor should he feel an ounce of hurt because someone can show an ounce of comfort, support and love for him.  I mean, someone other than me…cause that’s soooo uncool!

Did I mention in the last 10 days the boy has had an earache and now pink eye….?  yeah….

It’s all starting to pile up on me.  All the pressure.  No, I can’t fix it all, but everyone looks to me, calls me, wants me there…so no, I don’t want to, I want to say “get away from me, leave me be….”  but I can’t.  I got too many people who can’t seem to function without me.  And I am beginning to not function well at all.

if I don’t, I fear no one will.  Then I have to clean up what is left behind, because these folks in my orbit can’t clean up after themselves. 

That big brick wall is looming faster and faster in front of me…please Lord, put a door in it before I get there…

I need my faith now, more than ever…I need to feel it get me through these times, simply because…

I am frightened.

Stuck.On.Stupid.

Lord knows I try.  MOST days. To have patience.  At least a teeny tiny bit.

It has escaped me today.

I am beginning to think I need to go live by myself, in the woods.  Not like the Uni-bomber, but quietly, like Grizzly Adams.  Ohhh!  and have a cool Indian friend and that chubby guy that makes me moonshine…yes…this could work.

I have found that when the world hands me common sensical (its a word, MY word) challenged folks, I tend to be bitchy…well lately….really bitchy.

I don’t believe I have ever claimed to be brilliant, but I do claim to be able to walk and chew gum at the same time.  I just roll like that.

So, in my most patient effort to fix stupid, or at least tolerate it, I submit:

• No, you cannot charge a cell phone without a battery, even if you plug it in to an outlet.
• Yes, if you give me the invoice today, I will add it to my check run for Wednesday.
• Tomorrow is Wednesday.
• Yes, I cut checks on THAT Wednesday.
• Even yours.
• If you press the button on the elevator for down, and you want to go up, you are going to go DOWN before you go up.
• If I didn’t answer the phone or your e-mail, I probably wasn’t at my desk. 
• I wasn’t there when you stopped by either.
• Yes, I have a headache.
• No, I didn’t twelve friggin questions ago.  thanks.
• No, the work all over my desk doesn’t mean I am busy, not even a little bit. 
• So yes, please stop, close my door and let’s visit…all the time in the world…

See folks, I am trying.  REALLY hard. 

I asked this question the other day, but I do think it deserves an open forum…

            If I work surrounded by so many “Tools”, does that qualify me to work at Home Depot?

the lesson of the day is…

* when you know your office rests firmly on the surface of the sun…don’t wear a black sweater to work.

* when you think you are caught up at the office, some work fairy will come by and dump all.over.your.desk.

*  when you are your busiest…folks are gonna need something…

*  it will be the most time consuming thing ever and they want you to train them on it. 

*  again.

*  sometimes, setting up cell phones isn’t simple for people. 

*  Neither is walking and chewing gum.

*  sometimes, no matter how many times I say it…all internet websites start with “www.” 

*  if you hit me in the head with the door, it’s gonna hurt.  both of us…

*  Mondays need to be called off.

On the eve of all I am grateful for…

It’s has been a turd turning week for me…yeah…that bad…and I can’t actually fathom WHAT turd turning is, but I bet it can’t be good…or hygenic.

I digress….

It’s been a week of Mondays.  Truly.  I think I have lived Groundhog Day for the past three days.  I am now grateful that the NyQuil is gripping me and I will soon be comatose in bed, with a vaporizer on next to me and a cold rag on my forehead.

Where in the hell did this cold come from and why did I have to wake up the day before I am to cook for now upwards of 20 people with a head full of snot and swollen eyes????  It makes for an unattractive and unfriendly Stephanie. 

I love Thanksgiving.  It’s about friends and family without the pressure of presents…plus, it’s turkey, my Mamaw’s dressing (which I rock at making!) and pie, pie, pie…then a scratch, a nap and then leftovers and football.

Yet, I can’t smell anything…my nose won’t quit running and I am trying to figure out how to shove Kleenex in my nose in such a way, that it’s not noticeable in pictures.  It’s not working out well right now.

So….I have been remarkably, UNBELIEVABLY busy at work this week.  I don’t get it…well, I do…as soon as I think I have a handle on it, I make the stupid decision to say, OUT LOUD, “Wow!  Look at us…we are getting organized and caught up!”  Then the paper faeries deliver LOADS of paper while I am home, resting, dreaming of the organization that is waiting for me in my office.  I am such a sucker!!!!

So…the job…where to start.  I really need some part time help.  I keep telling my boss.  He keeps telling me “Find the money in the Mgmt Co., we will hire them.”  See…as AP Manager, it’s my job to watch the expenses, only I DON’T have TIME to do this, as I am keying invoices like a ballerina on crack or using my EXTENSIVE AP experience (20+ years) to STUFF CHECKS IN ENVELOPES!!!! 

So, we have taken the small menial things off my job description, the things that take 20 minutes TOPS during a week and actually break up the monotony…give them to an “assistant” to justify their salary and then keep me doing nothing more than data entry.  So in this week….as I am sick and cranky…it’s kinda sucking…it doesn’t always and I like who I work with…I just WANT SOME HELP!!!  I can’t do my job effectively unless you get me the help and free up some time!!!! grrrr….colds make me supercranky…that and stuffing checks all damn day….

SO…in this week….I have eaten partially cooked chicken, which is NEVER a good idea….I have constantly left the cell phone in the car or at home, neither of which help me when it rings during the day…I got jammed up in the parking garage when I dropped my parking card and had to perform acrobatics to pick it up while the gentleman in the car behind me HONKED AT ME!!!!  dick…I have closed my seatbelt in the door no less than 4 times in three days…and I have watched Back to the Future and Nine Months two times each in the past 36 hours…

I have silver to polish, gingerbread cookies to make, dressing to cook…and I hope to God the turkey is thawed out in time!!!!

In less than 18 hours, I will have family and friends that I dearly love, joining me to raise our voices in prayer, thankful that we are all together and remembering the ones we miss…

Be grateful for all that you have, all that you love, all that you have learned. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

My life, in a rambling nutshell.

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have to say, I am pretty amused at my life right now.

It’s good.  I am flat ass broke all the time, but all in all…it’s a good life.

I wrote a long, drawn out blog this week and have gotten tons of support for it.  I want to thank everyone who read it, responded, or had a discussion with someone else.  It’s my opinion, however right or wrong it may be, but it’s mine.  If you don’t like it, there’s a little red “X” in the top right corner…please, feel free to click it.

My job is going well.  It’s been strange.  I got a new boss about 6 months ago.  He’s decidedly NOT the boss I signed up for when I started the job.  I have, however, gotten used to him and he’s actually a pretty cool guy.  FUNNY…and he has that dirty, dry sense of humor that I do.  I have to admit, I did resist a bit at first, as well, he wasn’t My Maria.  My Maria that I had followed to two separate jobs.  My Maria, my mentor. 

 

Now, Maria gets to be My Friend.  That’s all.  And that works really great too.  She’s amazing as my friend and I depend on that friendship.

But the New Guy, he leaves me be.  Let’s me manage myself and I can be a real bitch when I feel like it and he will look at me, shrug and walk away.  I don’t bother him…which is cool.  I usually warn him before the bitch button is pressed.  And he just smiles, or laughs and moves on by.  But he will listen to me when I need him to, support me when I am right or wrong, and doesn’t call me out in front of everyone.  Which is a bonus, cause when I am acting like an asshole…don’t call me out…pull me aside, it works MUCH better.  It’s been great…I get my work done and I get to have the time I need off for kid stuff…yep…today, the New Guy gets two thumbs up!

So…home life is sweet.  The Whirly Mom was here last weekend.  And I will say it, I really enjoyed the visit.  I know she has a hard time that her daughter will never be “the norm.”  That it’s not the lifestyle she wanted for her daughter.  But I think the Whirly Girl and the Whirly Mom have settled into a ebb & flow that allows them to enjoy their time together without the angst that goes with all things gay…

It was a nice, sunny weekend.  We had good food, good wine (Thank you Wendie) and great conversations.  We laughed and listened.  I told the Whirly Girl yesterday as we were cooking dinner (togetherness at its best!) that I actually missed her mom and stepdad.  And there wasn’t a lightning bolt to be had…

I did not get dress yesterday.  Meaning, I took a shower put on housepants and a t-shirt and laid on the couch all.day.long.  Well, I did get up and scratch now and then.  But the daughter was busy, the son was biking with his buddies…I have not had a day where I didn’t talk to anyone NOT in front of me in months.  I don’t know that I even spoke that much at all….it was WONDERFUL!!!

Got a bit of work done.  Just what I needed to do to get a step ahead this next week.  But it was done from the couch.  Cause I am talented like that!

So here I am…home from church, reveling in my soon to be President.  My children are healthy and happy.  My partner is blissful.  I have found that I have some really good friends.  My needs are provided for and my faith runneth over…

It’s good to be alive…

Once, twice? Nah, more like three times!!!

August 7, 2007 – Tuesday

Not everyone may know about my circumstance, but I have been looking for a job, for about 3 or 4 days now.  That’s all.  And look at the wonderful turn of events: You know, they say God works in mysterious ways….I am here to tell ya! Many years ago, I worked for a pretty great person, Maria.  She was my mentor and became my very good friend.  I followed her from Wyndham to Hotels.com, the job that teaches you what NOT to do…. When she left Hotels.com, we went our own ways career-wise and remained friends, to this day, I can call on her for anything and she is there for me, she knows I would do the same for her, if she ever called on me.  Well, fast forward 5 years and it comes full circle…. I left my job, my comfort zone at Valvoline for more money and the chance to jump in on the ground floor of my own departments.  To make my mark.  It was the STUPIDEST, yet fortuitous decision I have made.  I loved the people I worked with and I adored my boss Vic, and I knew that they would miss me as much as I miss them.  I have wished and wished that I could go back, but as they say, you can’t go back, right? I was one of the lucky people, to work for two people who are awesome in their own rights, and that they got to work with me, that’s just gravy!!! Here’s where the full circle happens, my new job, in a nutshell, sucks.  It’s a total misrepresentation of what I was hired to do and I have struggled for four months.  Last week, I called Maria for advice, to make sure I wasn’t crazy. Turns out that nope, not crazy.  Well, not in a job sense… So, here I am, going back to work for Maria.  AND doing almost exactly what I was doing at Valvoline, which was a little bit of everything.  I don’t have a job title yet, Maria is deciding what to call me…. Yes, Maria.  The Maria.  I used to say, everyone needs the opportunity to have the Maria Experience.  To work with someone who pushes you and motivates you to be the best that you can be.  In my life, I get it now for the third time.  Thank you Maria, for this amazing opportunity!  I guess, God put me on a path that led me to Maria, to gain the skills I needed to lead me to my Valvoline family, which led me here…. So, thank you God, for putting two incredible bosses in my path.  Thank you for leading me to Maria, then to Vic, they taught me to be what I am today.  God put me in the wrong place at the right time, to teach me to appreciate exactly what you have.  Don’t ever look for greener grass, you will always be searching! hallelujah!

Yes, it’s that time of year, again….

As my great friend Sandy is a shining example, I need to give thanks or “yeah, great!s” for my blessings, for the way they shaped the year that was…..10.  My job.  It has been a hard year for me on the job front.  I left Valvoline, which was my home.  My domain, I ROCKED the office.  I ran Vic’s life and he loved me for it.  But there were issues that will remain private.  I prayed about it and made the choice to leave.  I have discovered hell on Earth and it was the job I took upon leaving Valvoline.  I met some wonderful people, but in the process I learned what NOT to do in a job.  Alas, this led me back to Maria, my friend and my mentor.  I called for advice and was offered an opportunity.  I now work for two men who seem to truly care about their employees, I have co-workers that are a joy to work around and bottom line, I am now back where it began, with Maria, showing me the “what for.”  9.  Dan – my ex, the father of my children.  Now most wouldn’t consider their ex a blessing, but everytime I look at my children, I remember that he is a part of them and I wouldn’t trade one moment of my past with him.  He is also his own worst enemy and it brings my children closer to me everyday.  I pray for his peace and his own faith, that he finds both before he loses himself or his place with his children.  I thank God for putting Becki in his life.  It takes the pressure off of me!!!!  I had been praying that the job came through with Halliburton, but I digress….if I can’t have him on another continental shelf, at least there is someone else occupying his time….. 8.  The Mother – oh yes, the mother.  I love her.  God knows that I do.  I truly wish I could live in her bubble.  Even for a moment.  At exactly what age is it acceptable to put them in a home?  hehehehehe!!! 7.  Which brings me to the Sister.  My loving, hard headed, pain in my ass sister.  We have had the roughest year EVER….our battles are almost single handedly the reason this year needs to end.  And I would guarantee after last night, her significant other, Billy, will NEVER tell me to “man up” again.  Even Shae told him that he was insane for this.  Shae will continue to be a good mother to my sweet Lillee and will continue to push against anything I have to say….God love her! 6.  My chosen family….my friends.  I have made some new ones this year and have deepened the bond I have with my existing friends.  Kenner, my soldier, even the miles apart don’t keep us from being close.  And my buddy Sandy, who found me in this MySpace universe and I am so glad she did so.  I miss her face and yes, her hair every day!!!!  She quickly became one of my dearest friends and I love to catch up with her any chance I can!  And Ursula, all the years, from so long ago, she is the coolest, smoothest person I know and I am grateful she considers me her friend.  Urs rocks!!!!  My sweet hearted Phyllis, we have become dearer friends and I am grateful everyday that Leslie introduced us.  And Eva, Tanya, Morgen, Shawn, Karen, S-Lo and Jen…..these people, I am getting to know better each and every time I see them and I am figuring out that these are some good peoples….thank you! 5.  My church.  My home away from home.  My pastor, Colleen, has become one of my dearest, most treasured friends and 1/2 of the couple I am closest to outside of my little nest.  She is the Mrs. to Shelly and I love them dearly.  My church is warm, inviting and full of acceptance and truth.  I love that I am involved with the Putt Putt Invitational and the Prom and am looking forward to more ways in which I can use my talents to serve my Lord and my church. 4.  The Son, well, I must say, having the police called on him was a particular “high” point of the year.  As I have said all along, I always thought it would be Maggie that would bring the heat to the door, alas, it was my little man.  And the police officer scared the living crap out of him….does a mother’s heart well! He is resilient and a survivor.  He is the man of the house and we all love his little heart so much!!!!  He is my little saver (of everything, including lint) and he will give everything as little effort as necessary to get me to take care of it in frustration of how long it takes him….he is learning well…..or should I say he has trained ME well????? 3.  The Daughter, ah the Daughter.  I have never had a bigger protector in my life.  She is my biggest fan and I am her worst enemy.  I believe she is allergic to the dishwasher and household chores in general, however we are working on a cure….We have had several negotiations ranging from her grades to the lack of employment to the lack of a license or vehicle.  We are currently at a Mexican Stand Off regarding said license, car and employment.  I think she needs a job BEFORE license and car.  She thinks she needs the license and car BEFORE the job.  We are currently still in negotiations….. 2.  My whirly girl.  My Leslie.  My love in life.  We fought the fight two and half years ago.  It was worth every moment.  I am so proud to be her partner.  I glow from her love.  I hope everyone at some point in their life feels this pure love, this insane crazy bliss that we live in everyday.  Sure, we have our moments- like Leslie falling in the pool when she was soooo mad at me! - and my family on any given day – but we appreciate what we have.  We love, respect and above all trust each other.  She loves my kids as if they were of her very DNA, and would burn for them with the same intensity that I would.  Let no one hurt her kids, or me….she loves us so!  I don’t want to be a day without her.  1.  My faith.  Oh my!  I could not have made it through this year without my faith in the good Lord above.  At my lowest, at my most afraid, I could talk to Him, I could yell at Him and I could cry.  And then, I would feel His peace wash over me.  My faith is the core of my being.  I try to share it with anyone and everyone who will listen.  Believe me, I am living proof that He does listen, He does give you the signs you need and He will hold you up when you don’t think you can take another step. So there it is in a nutshell, my 2007.  I am hoping my 2008 is even better.  I am starting a new blog (my buddy Urs inspired me) to document my struggles, my observations and what ever else piques my interest, check it out…Inside Her Mind. In closing, I am going to go cuddle up on the couch with the Girl, hopefully we can get the Son off of Guitar Hero and make sure the daughter ends up where she should be at midnight. Happy New Year Ya’ll!!!!!!!