Knick Knacks.

So…I find it awkward, amusing and dare I say alarming that the top searches that “link” to any post of mine are WALMART and MASSAGE OIL…

And dare I say…the  People of Walmart  website is spectacular in a voyeuristic way.  I love it…it’s like stupid people crack…simply spectacular.

methinks that the train came off the tracks folks…and I feel infinitely durty for it…which doesn’t bother me at all.  Nope.  Not in the least.

My mood isn’t shifting lately.  Most of the time, I can pull myself out of the doldrums all by myself.  And usually I do it in a matter of hours.

Lately, there is a dark little rain cloud that just follows me around from place to place.  I don’t seem to be getting any relief from any angle.  I know, Lord, I know there is a lesson in here somewhere and I am sure it has to do with patience.  Again! 

I have changed who I am in my life for so many folks that I forget who I am at my base level.  I forget that I am worth something…that in the end, if I don’t take care of me, then no one else is.  In the end, I need to depend on me, just me.  Not let others take care of me,  that I need to know ME and what my needs are.

I am still handling my break up with kid gloves and it’s wearing me down.  I have hurt Whirly and I hate that.  But I am now getting to the point where it’s crunch time.  I want to scream….”Move on!” and walk away.  Really, I want to run away, but I am chubby and well, chubby doesn’t run.  Unless being chased by an ax-wielding homicidal maniac and even then, I will run the odds in my head about my survival…

Yet, we were friends before we were partners and I cherish her friendship.  I think, no I know, that right now…it’s too hard to be her friend.  Not as hard on me, because I have turned the page…but she wants what I can’t offer her.   And that makes me feel like a total jackass and I don’t like feeling like that. 

Logically, I know that I need to put distance there so she can heal, but (1) I don’t want to lose that friendship  and (2) she’s 5 effin’ minutes from the house.  Which means, we go to the same grocery store, gas station and Sonic…

Which makes it hard on New Girl.  Yeah….there’s a New Girl in my world.  Actually a New Girl that I have known damn near my whole life.  Meaning I have known her 27 years…I didn’t know that this chick was gonna fall in my lap and my heart the way she has, but damn…it was fast and hard.  God help her.

She fits my life…like she was supposed to all along.  No, I didn’t wait the “appropriate” length of time…like I am a widow or something, what exactly is the appropriate length of time…cause I guarantee I missed it, which was another notch on my Jerk of the Month belt.

…this was happening as my old relationship was unraveling.  Not that this contributed to the demise of my relationship, but it blew hers the hell apart.

For those keeping score this means that October saw:
*Stephanie TOTALLING her car  (whee!)
*the Son and Swine Flu
*ending a relationship
*assisting in ending ‘nother relationship (double whee!)
*starting a new one
*contemplating moving…seriously, yes…
*trying to keep everyone as pain-free as possible.

I was hoping for a drama free November, but it seems to be a crap shoot most days…

I want out of my funky mood.  I want to be happy and positive and I don’t know how to get there just yet.  I feel high centered and there isn’t enough leverage to fall to one side or the other. 

I heard the grass is always greener on the other side, my question is…

when do I get to the other side?

be kind, because you can’t rewind.

I got some inspiration to stop what I was doing and get out what has been rolling around in my mind for days…

I have always said “it’s not mine to forgive.  It’s mine to forget.”

I have always said “you can’t unring a bell.”

I have always said “pick your battles, not the whole war.”

I live by these statements.  I try to get the others in my world to do the same. 

I am a firm believer that He didn’t put us on the 3rd rock to be hateful and cruel to those we are supposed to love.  He didn’t put us here to dishonor and disrespect those around us who are different.

I firmly believe He put us here to teach each other how to be better together than we are alone.  How to put the lessons he gave us (Biblical lessons folks) to us in our own world, with our own free will.

And I firmly believe, I forget to be loving and honorable and respectful and forgiving.

Most of all, I forget to forget.

I feel so much heavier emotionally when I am angry, or scared, or stressed out.  I get darker and darker until I am such a bitch, I think I am better off alone.  And that’s not fair to anyone who just wants to love me.  Who just wants to be my friend.

I can’t change other people.  Their actions or inactions.  But I can change my perception, my attitude towards them, towards the way I handle them, the situation and the outcome.

Folks, be careful with the words you use.  You can’t take them back (unring a bell).  The words – they may be forgiven, but it will be a long time, if ever that they are forgotten.  Words can heal a hurt or cut to the bone. 

Words can be spoken with gentlest of breaths or the harshest of tone. 

Example…Whirly Girl and I tore at each other, I mean, TORE at each other the first time we broke up.  It was ugly, it was hurtful and I will never forget it, the e-mails, the letters, the conversations.  All words.  Meant to put distance and space between us.  And after a bit, our hurtful words worked.  We broke all communication.  We hurt each other and needed to retreat and heal.  And forgive.

6 months later, she took a chance, she called me and said 4 simple words to me that healed my heart and we have not looked back.  Four.simple.words.  Those will never be forgotten, it didn’t take the others away, but it made them very small and insignificant.

Example:  I have two people in my world that have told me I will burn in hell for being gay.  Two people who I love and who I trusted.  I can remember BOTH instances.  I remember the hurt from both of us and the anger all around.  I again, put distance there and took time to heal. 

Months later, I opened back up to BOTH of them.  We have never spoken of it, any of us.  I know that neither of them meant it, it was said in a moment of anger, of panic and of deep hurt…it was forgiven, but it will always sit in the back of my mind…and it changed both the relationships.

Point is…words count.  You can’t get a “do over.”  You have to live with the consequences of the words you have spoken or written.  There isn’t a DEL key in real life.

You will be harsher and say the most horrible things imaginable to someone you love.  Why?  Because you can.  Because they will take it.  Because they will forgive you.

But they won’t forget. 

To be gentle with others, you have to be gentle with yourself first.  It’s a lesson I have been learning.  I have been taking time for me lately.  Lots of internal time.  Lots of jotting notes down, snippets of verses that bring me peace and clarity.

To be gentle with yourself, you have to forgive yourself.  For whatever is at the bottom of it, at the bottom of the hurt and anger, you have to forgive yourself for letting it take control of your life.  Once you truly do that, the anger, the hurt doesn’t have control anymore.  It cannot sustain itself on forgiveness. 

Anger and hurt can only thrive and grow in an environment that fosters mistrust and dishonesty.

I am going to step out, float on my faith and love myself.  As much as I love others.

And I am going to make sure I treat them with the respect and honor that they deserve.

Will you join me?

truth be told…

I am truly beginning to be lieve that I was born to a traveling circus family and that the family that raised me simply thought I was cute, so they played the coin toss game until they won me.

there is no way I am born to the sheer drama that invades every part of my life.  I swear to all that I find holy, that I have to have a drama magnet surgically implanted in my body.  (And my dad thought it was a bum magnet!  pfftp!!!)  If someone, ANYONE has drama, it finds it way to my doorstep for dinner, a shower and a good nights sleep…

I am hanging a “No Vacancy” sign on my ass.  Maybe one from my forehead too, so you can see it coming and going.  Just to get the point across.

The Drama Inn is now closed.  Take your bullshit and unncessary hand wringing, head spinning drama and go elsewhere.

I have given up on caring about the stupid things in other people’s lives.  CONSIDERING they obviously care so little about me, respecting me, honoring our friendships, our familial ties, or common bonds.

I am going to teach myself to look out for myself, simply because there are MANY in my orbit, that seem to look out for noone other than themselves and I can’t deal with selfish folks anymore.

That was my New Year’s Resolution.  To put me first.  I did for about a week…then the mutts came back…

I feel like I should be on mood altering medication.  That I need to be on something to stabilize me.  My ups and downs happen in the same days sometimes and it’s wearing me out.  I have in the past taken medicine to help with the crazies, through my separation and divorce, and truth be told, if I hadn’t had Lexapro in my corner, my kids may have tied me up and put me in a closet. 

I am “better” now, I can see that things seem out of my control.  I can see however, that it’s my anger, my hurt and my low tolerance for all things drama that have me here.

It is exhausting and I feel like most days, I am on the crazy train and everyone around me is normal….I am the crazy one thinking I am normal, they are crazy.  I have asked this question of friends, the whole “Am I the crazy one?  Am I the one who is nuts and can’t see it?” 

I have been assured that it’s not me.  Which may either mean my friends are scared to tell me the truth or they are just as crazy as I am.

eh, whichever.  it works.

I am angry that I am not of a family that the bonds go deep.  There are three women left in my family and we will tear at each other and blame each other and cast aspersions upon each other with great regulatrity. 

Truth be told, I am pea green with jealousy of those who have close relationships with their  families based on mutual trust, respect and love.  I am jealous of those who WANT to be silly and have those moments…you know…those “candid camera moments” where everyone looks happy to be related and to be together…

I know we love each other but any semblance of trust and respect went out the door years ago.  Which is so very sad to know…even sadder to actually own up to it in writing.

I am angry that I can’t let go of the anger.  That it’s beginning to define me.  As hard as I try to rise above the BS that is associated with being one of the Three Stooges, I can’t for very long. 

Even now, as I am typing this, I keep going back, editing, removing things, because if I say the wrong thing or “out” anyone specific, all hell will break loose and it will be my fault because folks around me can’t act right.  Because to own their part, to apologize and TRULY move beyond it, would mean to GROW UP and who really wants to do that anyways?

I do!

Truth be told, I have “friends” in my life that I am probably better off without as well.  “Friends” that will proclaim that they support me, they will be there for me, no matter what, then they forget my birthday.  Or my favorite….send me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.  Because that’s personal….because that took you all of 20 seconds and everyone else thinks your great…however, I got a Facebook Happy Birthday and wasn’t even worth the effort of a phone call.

“Friends” who call me when they need to vent, when they need $20 bucks (or more…), when they need an “alibi” for their indescretion.  Yeah, “friends”.  These are the same people who when they do call, don’t remember I have kids or that I have moved…yeah, those friends.

Explain to me why I keep putting energy into people who don’t do the same for me?

I was told it’s because I am a fixer.  And I believe the friend that said this was correct.  (you know who you are, thank you!)

I will never claim  to be the perfect daughter, sister, mother or friend.  I forget birthdays, I don’t return phone calls.  But I am all about unconditional love, honor & respect.  If I give these to you, they are yours until you abuse them….then you have to earn them.

I guess I have to look at me.  Why I keep allowing people who have abused this unconditioanl love, honor & trust to keep coming back.  Why I keep letting them back in.  Why I can’t give up on them the way they give up on me and each other.

Why can’t I be as insincere and oblivious to other’s pain as these friends and family are to mine.

Truth be told, I need some distance.  I need some space.  I need to get some clarity and get some folks out of my life. 

It’s self-preservation mode I guess.  I feel shut down and locked up and it sucks.   The only thing I have going for me is when I get surly, my biting humor gets a bit darker and for some reason, folks just find it funnier when I am in a funk!!!

Who knew that surly and humorous were synonomous?

Truth be told, I miss the happy shiny me.  I miss looking in the mirror and liking who I see.  I miss the sound of my own laugh, knowing that in that moment….the world was sunshiny and fresh. 

Where’s Mr. Rogers when you need him?

Truth be told…I can’t change anyone and to change me means I have to look at me.

Good thing I gots this here blog…because then I can bore you with all the scary self revalations….

yup, that red “X” in the corner is your exit, should you choose to take it.

An open letter to those I love, to those that need a thump on the noggin’

I am at a crossroads and am conflicted on several different fronts in my life.  I have what I would describe as “drama on the horizon.” 

And unless the drama is in the format of conflict & resolution inside of 60 minutes INCLUDING commercial interruptions, I am done with it…

Technically, I could sidestep the drama.  I could look the other way.  I could swallow my discomfort.  But I did that…for 15 years.  15 long years.  I swallowed my feelings.  I kept my thoughts inside, hidden so as to NOT rock the boat.

I am not that person anymore.

Well, in knowing me…I am fiercely protective of my family and my close circle of friends.  I tend to think I know better than they do at times.  Hey!  I have control issues and I will be the first to admit that.  I try to keep them in check. 

It’s slowing not working…

I understand that we are all to make our own decisions.  To make ourselves happy and if others around us are not happy with our decisions, then it’s on them to deal with it.

What about when those decisions affect my life?  And the lives of those that I love?  What about when my friends and family make decisions that may offer them short term happiness that we know….yet long term is the unknown…

What about when those decisions are heaved upon me, when these decisions make me and mine completely uncomfortable?

Don’t get me wrong…I chose to love a girl.  That decision alone makes many uncomfortable for narrow minded and bigoted reasons.  My Whirly Girl doesn’t hurt or abuse anyone.  She’s a lover, not a fighter. 

Which is such a complete opposite of me….cause I am a fighter.  all.the.way. 

So my choice of a same sex life partner makes many including the Respondent question all things about my life.  I do not however, put these “enlightened” individuals into any uncomfortable situations.  Sadly, it may mean that we part ways and you won’t be subjected to the discomfort, but I will not knowingly subject anyone I care about to the disrespect or dishonor of their feelings.  To each their own….

What about when the choices my friends and family make hurt them and those around them.  Do I not get involved?  Do I not hold them protectively to me to keep them safe?  Would they not do the same for me.

I am judgemental and I don’t forget easy.  I can hold a grudge against someone I don’t like for eons.  I will give someone chance after chance after chance.  I will forgive and forget many times, but when you cross that line…that’s it.  Stick a fork in me Chuck, I am done.

Why is it then that my fierceness, my protectiveness gets turned on me?  That it is thrown in my face that I am controlling?  See, here’s the deal….you are gonna fuck it all up.  You are gonna get hurt.  You are gonna call me and want me to be there.  Being that I am, to a degree, a sheep, I will be.  I will listen, I will offer words of encouragement and I will support your decision to stay in the stupid situation again.

How many examples do I have to show you that I will be there, that I will pick up the pieces, that I am unconditionally your friend and your loved one. 

How many times are you not going to trust something that EVERYONE tells you.  How many people are you willing to risk to continue down the path you are considering?  When will it be enough?  When will you have sacrificed enough to prove us all wrong?

We have been through it together the last 6 months, we have all been hurt, we have all had our emotions overrun, questioned and denied. 

Sometimes, folks, you gotta put the feelings of others above your own.  You can only be so selfish or you end up alone. 

Am I wrong?  Do I worry about things that aren’t my concern?  I want this merry-go-round of turmoil, drama, stupidity and insanity to stop.  I know I take on more than I should.  It’s the biggest fight that the Whirly Girl and I have.  That I get in the middle of stuff and I need to stop.  I have.  ALOT…

I now sit on the sidelines, biting my tongue, listening for the most part.  AND THEN losing my mind and venting to her.  Which is not at all what she had in mind when she made me promise to “wean myself off the drama.”   It’s hard not to offer my opinon all the time.  I oly do when I am asked for the most part now, or I will jokingly offer my pearls of wisdom. 

I don’t know everything, I never claimed to.  I trust my instincts.  I trusted my instincts when it was time for me to walk away from my marriage, I trusted my instincts when I fought to love my girl.  My sister calls my instincts my “God Talk.”  And I have come to rely on my instincts.

Right now, they are screaming at me.  They are telling me to stop. To let these people walk this path.  To let them fall down and pick themselves up.  And it is the hardest thing in the world to acknowledge.  Because we have been down this path.  With all of them, a number of times.  I don’t know if I have it in me anymore to be that “go to” person.  Not this time.

And that makes me profoundly sad.  That to save my sanity, I have to be selfish.  To distance myself from friends and family that I treasure.  My friends are like my family.  My family is my friends.  I have a very small circle of people that I lean on, I look to, I trust.  And to knock any one, two or three of them away hurts me to my core.

Now, before you tell me NOT to; understand, I HAVE to.  I can’t watch it.  I can’t put MY children, MY partner, MY family through anymore of it.  I feel it so deeply that it affects me, even when I am not acknowledging it. 

I want them to be happy.  I want them to be successful.  Not on my terms, but on their own.  I want them to remember the past, remember that patterns don’t really change.  History has a way of repeating itself. 

I want them to remember that people at their basic core, do not change.  And to tell you they have, for you…means it’s not going to last. 

Am I the one that needs a thump?  Am I the one that needs the muzzle?  The reality check?

Maybe.  Probably.