Is this what it feels like when you hit that brick wall?

Cause let me tell you…it sucks.

I have been in a pretty good place lately.  Not letting the drudge of reality truly affect me too much.

I should have known better.

After our vacation, things have been, well, off.  Not bad, but not uncomplicated.  I could manage it, I could deal with it, but it’s just seemed to have a flat spot.

let’s see….(this is gonna get rambly and grumpy, so buckle up)

The niece got really sick and had a fever for several days.  To the point of hospital visits, ER visits and worried mommy and auntie…she’s SOOOO MUCH better now, but it was leaving early and taking long lunches for me, I have an understanding boss, but I was pushing.

Apparently, a bit too much.  As things go, I have it pretty well at the job.  I am good at what I do and I like what I do.  After a rocky start, I actually like my boss;  he’s a good guy.  I let my loyalty stand in the way of discovering this for the first few months, but I realized my loyalty to my friend doesn’t (1)pay my bills and (2)affect whether or not I respect and like the guy.  So I put on my big girl panties and got over it.

It’s still embarassing, at almost 40 years of age, the boss has to tell me to figure out what I need to focus on.  Because he needs me here and needs to depend on me.  Yeah, I have taken a bit of here and there; yeah, my work is done…but he can’t DEPEND ON ME?  oh!  that’s the button.

Someone can’t depend on me…I almost dropped my heart on the floor when he said that…from embarassment and from dread, that I am not dependable…the horror!!!! 

He corrected me, he can depend on me, my work is excellent, but he knows I am capable of more than I am doing, more in my capacity as a manager.  I know he’s right, which makes me madder at myself because I have no one to blame but me. 

I have to re-prove, again, that I am committed to my job.  It’s not in jeopardy, he strongly stresses to me.  He doesn’t want me to quit or leave, nor am I being written up or even verbally reprimanded.  He wants to make sure I am here.  which just fuels me EVEN more.  ugh!

urgh!

or there’s always this old gem….

I have a daughter that is moving into her first apartment in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS!!!!  That alone is causing major stress on me for two reasons (1) she doesn’t have a car and (2) she hasn’t saved two dimes. 

In all my years as a parent, I have tried and tried to instill some responsibility in my children.  My daughter has fought me every step of the way. 

I haven’t seen much of her since then, she is gone every night and hasn’t begun packing.  I try to talk to her, but at this point, anything I say sound as if I am controlling her and the situation (her words) so I don’t or we are in a nasty, NASTY fight…the kind from two weeks ago that got her put out of the house for the night.  (good thing her bestie is a block away). 

I don’t fight back anymore, because I don’t want it to end that way.  I don’t want her last weeks at home to be remembered by how much we fought.  And she is completely taking advantage of it.   I need a break from it. 

I ache when I think of how much I will miss her, how empty it will feel, but we both need the space.  She needs to get out, on her own and learn that it’s not all handed to you. 

I feel enormous guilt because I can’t provide her with a car, but our rent is $300 MORE per month than my house payment, willingly paid each month to keep her close to her friends so she can graduate with them. 

Help me out here…$300 x 24 months = $7,200.00.

There’s your car.  Enjoy.

But she doesn’t see it that way.  And it’s been hard to explain that Whirly took a lower paying job to be home in the afternoons.  That Whirly pays HER bills, but I am responsible for them.  It doesn’t math out for the daughter, who thinks that I have put Whirly ahead of all others and that the daughter has suffered because I didn’t have the funds to provide a vehicle to the ONLY STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL to not have a car.

This is the same student who went to every dance in a new outfit, every banquet, every concert and party she wanted. 

The only thing I made her responsible for was her cell phone.  She’s had a job for two years and overdrafts her account more than the government does…

and yet, I am the designated dumpee….

and stay tuned for the newest ballad…

I have a family member in the midst of a “holy shit” moment…a huge issue that as much as it isn’t my battle, I find I keep getting drawn into it.  Even when I actually say the words “I don’t want to be part of this.”  I find that I am, because that’s family.  Yet, I want help.   And it seems to not be offered, even in the smallest of doses.  Because WE all need to help.  WE all are part of this family WE all need to maybe change our plans, adjust our needs and get this taken care of.  The sooner, the better.

As it stands, I will be changing my plans, I will be adjusting my needs and Whirly and I will help get it taken care of.  No thanks to others.  Sadly friends and friends OF friends are stopping, dropping and helping.  With no hidden agenda.

and finally…

…we are moving, already given our notice to the landlord and as of this moment, do not have a home.  BECAUSE the one we liked, the one we thought was ours, well…my credit sucks and that is the end of that.

We do have a contingency plan, another one we like too, but it’s not the one that we liked the best.  It’s the one we liked first and the son is stoked over it, so that’s a bonus.

If I can get the guy to call me back.  eeeeekkk!!!!!!

Because right now, in a month, I am homeless.  And the son starts school in 6 weeks. 

His acceptance of this is paramount to me.  He has to be happy where we move because it’s gonna be his home.  And I don’t want him to feel left out of decisions.  He’s got enough on his plate dealing with a douchebag dad and family that can lay a guilt trip on him like no one else.  At no point should a 10 (almost 11 mom!) year old feel guilty for being loved.  Nor should he feel an ounce of hurt because someone can show an ounce of comfort, support and love for him.  I mean, someone other than me…cause that’s soooo uncool!

Did I mention in the last 10 days the boy has had an earache and now pink eye….?  yeah….

It’s all starting to pile up on me.  All the pressure.  No, I can’t fix it all, but everyone looks to me, calls me, wants me there…so no, I don’t want to, I want to say “get away from me, leave me be….”  but I can’t.  I got too many people who can’t seem to function without me.  And I am beginning to not function well at all.

if I don’t, I fear no one will.  Then I have to clean up what is left behind, because these folks in my orbit can’t clean up after themselves. 

That big brick wall is looming faster and faster in front of me…please Lord, put a door in it before I get there…

I need my faith now, more than ever…I need to feel it get me through these times, simply because…

I am frightened.

If it peels, do I lose my tan?

ahhhh….I haven’t decided what’s better, the actual vacation or the first smell of home when you walk in the door.

oh, who am I fooling?  The VACATION is always better, right?

Let’s hit the highlights, then we shall delve deeper, m-kay?

1)  There are LOTS of jellyfish in the ocean

2)  Jellyfish will sting you.

3)  It hurts when a jellyfish stings you.

4)  No two people parent their children the same way.

5)  NEVER travel with folks who have unresolved issues.

6)  Always bring enough panties.

7)  Don’t travel for a birthday.  It is an underwhelming experience.

8)  The differences between an 18 year old, a 10 year old and a  5 year old are drastically magnified after an 8 hour car ride.

9)  Take long walks on beaches.  Build sandcastles.  Look at shells.

10) Drama doesn’t take vacations.

Let me say, I am glad I took this vacation.  I am glad that I went with everyone that I did.  It has taught me many things. 

We stayed in an AMAZING condo right on the beach on Mustang Island.  We have been staying at the same place for the past 13 years and have always had a wonderful time.  This year was not an exception.  Most of the time.

The room was fantastic and I will make sure to request it again, as I am already making reservations for next year.  I love going to the beach, feeling the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt in the air and the rapid slow down that I feel as I step one foot, then two feet into the warm, loose sand.  ahhhhhh…..

Now I promised a blog about the experience of traveling with the whole family, the bestie and the “foster” daughter.  Well, let’s just say, I probably built this trip WAY up in my mind, that we were all going to re-discover our close connections and that happiness was just going to abound.

yeah….I set myself up.

So I am going to say this, as this is my blog and I can air out what I feel, how I feel and when I feel it, because, well, I can…

I had a good time.  I could have had a better time if certain people had just left their bullshit at home for the duration of the trip.  It’s not like I ask for a lot of anything.  I asked for manners.  I asked for respect.  I asked you to shut up and not drag the ENTIRE group into your bullshit. 

We had good days, but there wasn’t a single, solitary day that didn’t have a degree of bullshit to it.  Somehow, someway, I spent at least 30 minutes of my vacation dealing with multiple personalities, passive agressive behavior, ill manners, stomping around, crying and accusations.

And this was from the adults. 

The kids, well, they are kids…they fart, burp, say inappropriate things, but they are kids.  I will 100% take responsibility for my two, for their actions, for their manners.  Others need to do the same. 

This was not just your vacation.  Any of you that I am thinking of as I am typing this…not helping, not “pitching in”, taking advantage of my not wanting to cause conflict…well, here is your comeuppance. 

You pissed me off.  And now, you will know…

Not helping with the meals, not helping with the dishes, or picking up the wet towels…it’s rude and lazy.  Expecting that some Condo Fairy was going to pick up after your lazy asses was the wrong assumption.  It was me.  You’re welcome.  And your attempts at “helping” as in “I did the dishes once…”  (There were five days, count ‘em!) well, they were just as lazy as if you sat there watching me do it from your cozy chair, couch, bed, etc. 

And deciding every fucking day needed to have a dose of soap opera…that wasn’t necessary.  I Tivo’d General Hospital the whole week…I didn’t need the live action version.  But the screaming at me on my birthday was an awesome present…especially since I wasn’t out of bed yet.

So no…there probably won’t be anymore vacations like this.  Sorry.  I don’t shell out the money I do so I can have the same conversations with folks everyday…no one had an outstanding time.  And it wasn’t all one person that acted up…there were several. 

I find that it’s ironic…the children were at times MUCH more well behaved than the adults.  I can’t imagine what we are teaching them.

blech….

On a more positive note, I have walked away with a rockin’ tan…I look like a coffee bean.  Not as coffee bean as the niece…I swear, I could actually sit and watch her as she tanned…not burned like the rest of us…but just browned up…

The look on the son’s face will carry me through.  From our bodysurfing together, to our walks on the beach, to watching him catch fish and crabs and shrimp.  That shining face, his eyes lit up…made me happier than I can explain.

…as will the sound of laughter as my daughter dropped her cool facade and just became my girl…for a week…her laugh and smile is burned in my memory.

I have not had as much fun looking for shells as I did with my niece…she was fascinated with everyone of them that I put in her hands and I loved building the sandcastle with her and the son…I think it was the best part of my trip…just me, the niece, the son and the sister…in the evening shade, building a sandcastle. 

That the bestie and the daughter thought it would be fun to destroy later that night.  grrr…..

If I could take all the awesome parts of the trip, throw out the ugly moments, we would have a day left…we wasted too much time on the score keeping, the hurt feelings, the menutiae….we got bogged down in bullshit. 

and that makes me infintely sad.

I think I am going to go check on my sunburn, look at the pictures I took (a joy from my dad…I am in few, because I am behind the camera) and remember the fun times…and let go of the bad ones.

I hope the others can follow my lead.

I’m a Ramblin’ (Wo)Man…

Well, we have gotten to the point that we are counting hours until vacation time.  Meaning, the son, has been counting down hours for the past 7 days…

“It’s only 168 hours, 167 hours 166 hours until we leave, right mom?”

whoo-whee, I need this vacation.  we skipped a vacation last year because with gas at $4.69 a gallon, driving to work was a vacation! 

so, summer is here (well technically, in 4 days) and I am mindful that summer is both a blessing and the bane of my existence.

The kids have a pool, DVD players, XBox, computers, Playstations, PSP and Nintendo DS’s.  Did I mention they HAVE A POOL? 

They have basketball, skateboards, bicycles, games, books, legos and a park ACROSS THE STREET…

and they are bored….

well, the son is…the daughter is a party animal and doesn’t come home except to sleep and shower.  Not really, kinda….she works all day, then it’s play time.  So I have seen her a total of about 40 minutes since graduation.

This vacation will trap her in a car with me for 8 hours.  And then in a condo for 6 days….except when we are on the beach.

Now, we all know how the daughter and I are like gasoline and a match in the car…but we have two others riding with us that are a buffer.  And Whirly has gotten me some Tylenol PM, so I will knock myself out and sleep most of the way…I hope.  It would be a real pisser to start a vacation fighting for control of the radio.

This is the first vacation in THIRTY years that my sister, my mom and I have all been on together.  Last time was S. Padre Island when I was nine.  We had a blast.  Well, the sister and I did….chasing sand crabs across our mommy’s feet!  She didn’t seem to appreciate this as much as we did.

We’ve decided to pack up the daughter, the son, the daughter’s bestie (and my favorite friend), the mother, the sister, the niece and one of my besties Tanner…

this should make for a glorious trip.  We will either all love each other or hate each other by the time we get back. 

I sure hope it doesn’t turn into some weird episode of Survivor and we start voting people off.  Because there’s only three cars and someone is gonna get left behind.

Wish me luck.

She did it!!!

 This post started in December, as a blurb for the Daughter’s baby page in her senior yearbook.  I have picked it up and put it down so many times….I can’t believe it’s finally here!

 

Wow Maggie,

 

It’s here.  Your graduation.  It seems to have come too quickly.

 

It’s always been you and me, against the world.  You are my strongest warrior, my lifeforce.  You gave me purpose, you gave me joy, comfort, tears and laughter.

 

It seems like yesterday, you were starting kindergarten, you held on so tightly.  I never wanted you to let go, knowing you would have to and I would let you.  

 

To say I love you doesn’t do justice to the emotions I feel today.  I have been honored to watch you grow into a beautiful young woman and I am proud of your many accomplishments. 

 

You have loved your family and have learned the lessons.  You have an amazing connection with Riley and he will be a better man, because you are his sister.  Know that he loves and admires you in so many ways and for so many reasons, he is proud to be your little brother.

 

Thank you for allowing me to join you on your journey.  I love you, more than you will ever know.  More than I can ever express.

 

 You are a miracle in my life.  In our lives.  Everyday.

  

Mommy, Riley and Leslie

 

 

Can I tell you how puffed up and proud I am?  How in shock and amazed I am?

 

My baby girl is graduating.  6 weeks ago, we weren’t sure.  Well, correction, I wasn’t sure.  I had a meeting with her counselor to tell me that she was failing (wait for it) THREE classes and would have to attend summer & night school.

 

WHAAAATTTT?????

 

Actually to quote her”

 

“I wouldn’t send out her graduation annoucements yet.”

 

The daughter kept telling me over and over that she was ok, that she was gonna graduate, that she was gonna do it…and I held out.

 

Through the stupidity of well…a nameless counselor…she is graduating, was all along.  The counselor had out of date information, miscounted the number of credits she has and didn’t know she had dropped a class. 

 

Can you imagine what kind of MONSTER fights happened in my casa…the amount of stress we were under for 6 weeks, because she didn’t double check….?  augh!!!!

 

Well…Dunce McCounselor and the NOT CLEAR list, which said the daughter owed $460 to various events BEFORE she could get the cap and gown…of which…mommy had heart failure….and carpal tunnel from the check I wrote…

 

So….announcements went out.   Bacalaureate was attended, as well as two rehearsals…tickets have been received.  And she is at school now, picking up her cap & gown for me to iron.  whew!!!

 

So, here’s to the Class of 2009 and to my daughter Maggie!!!!

 

I am proud of you kid.  You proved it to me and everyone else, most of all, you proved it to yourself….

 

You are a winner.  You are a survivor.  You are a leader.

 

 

Tomorrow, I will watch my baby girl walk across that stage with as much heart ache and pride as I can handle.

 

Tomorrow, the one who didn’t want to leave me in kindergarten by herself, will do this…for her….on her own.

 

Checkmate daughter.  Well played.

 

 

Dancing with the Stars? puh-leese, check out this footwork!!!

it’s not easy, raising  one, two kids or twenty (Octomommy)….whether you are on your own, with a partner, husband, wife; whether you have grandparent and aunts and uncles galore…it’s HARD…damnit!

we have been playing the “Driver’s License Blues” for two years now…I have blogged about it several times…

this damn saga is almost at an end. ALMOST.

ok…so I am not convinced that she can handle the responsiblity, but at 18, I don’t have to give her permission to get THE license…just to drive MY car.  I fear that will be another battle for another day…

right now, we are now trying to get this license.  who knew it would be so difficult???

alas, the difficulty seems to stem almost primarily from the daughter’s stunning lack of focus (again  that’s a whole ‘nother battle) and my olympic styled stubborn streak…cause I can get a gold medal in stubborn.

So we started this saga two years ago…with the Drivers-Ed-In-A-Box (now referred to as “THE BOX”).   Because “Mom, it will be SOOOO much easier and cheaper.  I can help with driving and errands, etc.  I don’t want to go to All Star”

So we saved $25.00 and did THE BOX route…and well…it gave me a whole lot of power and a whole lot of aggravation.  I have learned that the daughter and I don’t do well in the car together.  I think she drives like crap and she thinks I make her nervous.  It’s a delicate dance the two of us do…

So, little did I know that she had to have her learners permit for six months prior to getting the license.  OK, we can do it. 

 

Trip #1.  We find when we get to the DMV that I didn’t get all the papers that I needed in THE BOX…so I had to file for new ones.

Trip #2…we go BACK with all the notarized papers from THE BOX and are NOW notified that she needs some stupid paper from Austin, so I send my $20 check and paperwork to Austin.  TWICE.  It takes upto 12 weeks for the DMV to get the paperwork, to get the PERMIT…we are now, 6 months into it…and somehow it’s my fault.  well, according to the Teenager.  We are getting ready to turn 17 WITHOUT a license or a CAR!!!!  (MOM!!!!!  it’s so embarrassing!!!!)  It’s a delicate dance the two of us do…

Trip #3.  We go back once the DMV can confirm that they have the paperwork necessary (I had to send papers from the BOX, copy of birth certificate and social security card with it.)  We are NOW told we need her original copy birth certificare (check!) and her social security card…uh-oh…the Teenager lost it.  she thinks…so we leave.  again…we are sitting at EIGHT MONTHS now…getting ready to turn 18….whoo-hoo…

we spend the next 4 months locked in a battle of wills, I won’t consider taking her until she gets her bank account “in the black” and she won’t consider saving money for a car she doesn’t have yet…it’s a delicate dance the two of us do…

Trip #4.  We go, with all the paperwork I can shove in my overnight duffle bag/purse for the day…voila!!!  we have all the paperwork…Maggie gets to take her written test…Halleujah!!!  we patiently wait to take the driving test when we are told that they will not be doing the driving test that day, they are booked for driving tests, we have to be there at dawn to get our place in line…

I am not sure at this point whose head will spin off first, mine or the daughters…but neither of us are “happy”.  The Teenager is now 18 and can by law, get her license without parental consent. 

So we have the written part done, the grandmother has offered to help me stop wasting vacation/mental health/sick days from my employer (who at this point is EXTREMELY understanding)  by taking the daughter to the DMV for the driving test.  This doesn’t work out…at all.

(Have I mentioned that I have to used my mothers vehicle as my insurance EXCLUDES the daughter in writing and I cannot add her until she has the license! good times!!!)

Trip #5.  FINAL TRIP to the DMV, right?  So we get the mothers car last evening and get up as soon as we go to sleep to get our spot in line this morning.   There are maybe 30 folks in front of us, not bad…only 20 or so for tests, others for moral support.  There is a father and his 18 year old son in front of us (important detail, will reveal itself shortly).  We are standing in this line, in the cold when the daughter lets this “nugget” of information eminate from her lips:

“I left my wallet with the DMV receipt and my paper copy in Best Friends car last night”

To which I reply:  “What??!!?

After I pick myself up off the ground (from passing the fuck out) I am immediately warm from the not-so silent fury I am feeling.  Eh…pretty quiet, but she knows I am pissed.

“Daughter, I don’t carry your birth certificate and social security card everywhere, what do you suggest that I do to help YOU GET YOUR LICENSE!!?!!?? I have mine!!!”

Then I get:  “I know MOM, but what do you want me TO DO ABOUT IT???”

An no, the words “I want you to get your head out of your ass” did NOT come out of my mout…until much later…accompanied by “you want to be an adult, the act like it!!”  to my mortification I realized I had become my mother and father rolled into one at that moment.  which made me soften..a bit…no, not really…

(Because somehow this too, is my fault!)

At this point, we aren’t speaking, the daughter, because she is mad at me (?) and me because I am cold, tired and just flat out pissy about the WHOLE THING!!!

So we get inside, where we try to ask twice about getting an afternoon appointment to come back today (cause I don’t need vacation time!) and get her driving test done.  We are told to stand in line and wait our turn to ask the question.

Now, for the father and son act…the Parental did as I did, and did THE BOX drivers training…alas, they do not have all the forms either, he is 18 so he is going down the same path as I, they give him an appointment for this afternoon to cut in line and take the driving portion to get this license…

no biggie, we can do the same right????  oh, no….not me….not mine…no, we are denied.

and then I hit my limit. 

I look at the Younger-Lady-Wielding-All-The-Power before me and simply point the the Father and Son SKIPPING out of the DMV and say as nicely as my blood pressure will allow:

“But you gave them an appointment for this afternoon, may I please have the same?  It was offered when I called on Thursday.”    [smile, blink! blink!]

to which the Younger-Lady-Wielding-All-The-Power responded:

“I work late on Thursdays, which is why I offered it to you and I don’t feel good today so I am not doing afternoon appointments, and besides HE WAITED IN LINE.”

ok…so I am at stroke level with the blood pressure and am digging my nails into my palm as I point out:

“He was right in front of me at 6:50 AM today.  Please?”

Halleujah….I got the appointment, with a glare from Younger-Lady-Wielding-All-The-Power and a snarky comment to her co-worker “I am ONLY setting up these two for this afternoon.  *heavy sigh!*”  

I would have offered to sell her my daughter or first grandchild at that point!

So I am leavin work shortly because my boss rocks and going back to the DMV in my mothers go-kart of a car to get the daughter her license. 

Then  I am heading for the vodka…she’s driving….

yes, it’s a delicate dance the two of us do…where’s my effin’ trophy????

 

P.S  Did I mention that Whirly’s mother and stepdad (my “in-laws”) are coming in today for the next couple of days…yeah…like THAT helps for my stress levels…whoo-freakin hoo…

P.P.S.  Special shout outs to my sister for talking me off the ledge this morning…without her, I would be the mommy of one, as I was very tempted to see how the “Safe Haven” laws in Texas were working for me…

P.P.P.S.  Special shout outs to the mother for have said go-kart…this car rocks.  4 cylinders and i hit 90 whilst thinking I was pushing 60…vroom vroom…

P.P.P.P.S.  Special shout outs to Whirly and Little Man…who are gonna have to put up with me later…

Love is…

True love is going to the mall with the daughter, basically because I loathe shopping….

True love is going to store after store after store looking for THE dress.  Which is all the harder when the kid is stunning in all of them.

True love is freaking out (in my mind only) when she tries on a white number that reminds the mommy at some point, I will be helping her into ANOTHER white dress…cause it BETTER be white…and giving her away at an altar…

True love is the lady at the soap kiosk and the guy at Jamba Juice asking if we were sisters…

I think I should go try on a dress or two…

*sigh*

State of the Union, Stephanie Style.

Well, here we are again, at the end of another year…a time of reflection.  And since I will be uber-busy tomorrow, I won’t have time to think, much less post my thoughts.

 

My thoughts run wild and rampant tonight and there are so many things to say, things I feel and yet, most I keep to myself, as it’s my way.  But there are some I want to share, there are people that I want to recognize, as they have affected my life this year, in ways I never expected.

 

First and foremost, I want to mention I could not, would not, have made it through this year without my faith in the Lord Above.  I have relied on Him and tested Him in ways that would confound even, well, Him; I have floated on my faith and been carried through some truly rough times, I questioned His wisdom occasionally and I fell…but only far enough to learn the lesson and pull myself back up.  I never ONCE felt He left my side.  I could only hope for this kind of blind faith in Him, in SOMETHING for everyone I know.  It’s a peaceful, calming feeling…knowing that I am not alone, even in my darkest times.  Amen!

 

Now…let’s get this party started…

 

To say me and my folks, friends and family alike, have had a roller coaster of a year, is a complete and utter understatement.  It’s been one hell of a ride!

 

Let it also be understood, I am not intentionally leaving you out of my blog for any reason other than well…the mind is a terrible thing to waste and most days, I don’t have the capacity to put two thoughts together logically.  I am POSITIVE I am leaving folks out…

 

Here’s to THAT friend…the one that never lets me forget who I am, and who I can be.  Kenner has been my warrior and my sounding board.  When I have a problem, she is the first person I run to…aside from those inside my four walls…I can’t thank you enough for your never-ending faith, trust, love and honor.  It’s truly in those quiet times that I realize just how much you are a part of my soul.  My best friend…my sister of choice…

 

Here’s to the two that honestly have been handed more lemons than any two people I know and have continuously made lemonade. For Shae and Phyllis…in my lifetime, I have never, NEVER met two people that had a more positive outlook on EVERYTHING.  It’s almost nauseating…

      

For Shae…she has made her own choices and NOT listened to her big sissy…and we ALL know how that NEVER works…yet…when the chips were down, I was the first person she call to be there for her.  And her strength amazes me.  Always amazes me.  Our relationship has changed again this year and I see her as something I have never seen her as.  An adult.  Well done baby sister.  Well done.

 

For Phyllis…my Sweet P…the Grace of God has seen her through the passing of her father and her aunt with an amazing strength.  It has seen her through the toughest part of a relationship and made her more compassionate than I thought one human could be.  He saw her through a horrific car accident that could have taken her from me…and for that, I believe that Phyllis has a higher purpose here.  Phyllis, my life is sweeter because of you.  I am so glad you are here.

 

For the friend from a lifetime ago, Tanner; I don’t think that had we “hung out” in high school we would be where we are today.  And for that, I am so grateful that it took twenty years for our friendship to blossom.  Your laugh brightens my day and you have shown me that new old friends are sometimes the best ones to have.  You showed me just how good a friend you are and you never even knew you did it.    I am forever grateful you are in my corner.  You are golden, Tanner…there aren’t many like you.

 

For my mother…good God…I do not know where to start with this woman…she has knocked on deaths door more times than should be allowed and I have to say…for the first time in at least 9 years…we went a FULL YEAR with no HOSPITAL visit…did you realize that???  I have tested my mom…her patience, her sanity, her temper, time after time after time…and through it all…she reminded me what it’s like to be a mom.  Not the PERFECT mom, by my mom…thank you…I don’t know how else to say it.  Thank. You.

 

My little Lilleebutt…the pride of the clan…you are so much like your Aunt Stephie, it is unreal!!! I will promise to protect you from the dumb boys that will make you cry and to be there when mean mommy grounds you for sneaking out, talking back, missing curfew (I said she was like me!!!).  I will have your mommy’s back, but I remember what a turd she was way back when and I am the one to regale you with these stories.  Never lose that gleam in your eye…that laugh in your smile and that sass in your step…you little one…make my life merrier.

 

Then there’s the fam damily…

 

Oh, the son…the youngest of this clan.  The only testosterone in this House of Estrogen; poor thing.  He is picked on, pushed around, loved and cherished.  Through it all, he loves it.  We all want the best for this little man.  My brave one.  He is my whistler in the morning and my smile at night.  The boy will grow into the man he is terrified to be before I know it and I already mourn the fact that sooner rather than later…he will be my baby boy no more.  My world in infinitely better because of you!

 

Ah…the daughter.  I have raged, cried, boasted and laughed at her, with her and because of her.  She is the whole reason I am a mommy and it hurts my heart to know that she is on the threshold of adulthood and my role in her life, the one that is influx right now, will be changing, permanently so very soon.  She is my touchstone.  My fiercest protector and my biggest fan.  She is gorgeous, loud, brazen and demanding…just who I wish I could be.  You are my breath and reason for living.  You make it better, just with that 1,000 watt smile of yours.  Thank you for allowing me to watch the show…

 

My Whirly Girl…I have never loved another with the ferocity that I love you.  I can’t say it any simpler than that.  You make me brighter, happier and better than I could be without you.  You are what was missing from me.  And with four small words, made all my dreams come true. 

 

Whew…almost done…you still with me?

 

Here’s to the friend of long distance…the one that I crave to get back to.  I will, when the time is right…you have stayed in my life for this long and I have treasured our friendship for as long as I can remember.  You are my support from afar and I feel smarter just knowing you. Thank you for stickin’ around!

 

Here’s to the unnamed, yet never forgotten people.  You have come into or out of my life for a reason.  You have shown me that strength, laughter, the best and the worst.  I wish only that you continue to get everything in life that you deserve and desire.  We will never be far apart and I am merely a phone call away.

 

Here’s to the support for the blog surfers that read what I put out here…You have re-ignited a passion in me that makes me WANT to write more.  It’s inspired a long lost dream. That you read it, comment on it and support me…fuels my ambitions and makes me want to be so much more creative.  Thank you for helping me in ways you may never understand.  It’s an honor to be a part of this “blog-o-sphere family.”

 

Lastly, here’s to me…yes.  me…I have put so many in front of me that I forgot that I can take care of no one if I don’t care for me first.  I have only resolution in the coming year.  It’s not for a smaller waist or lower number on the scale.  It’s not more money or a better job or to even win the lottery…its one simple sentence.

 

I resolve to put me first. 

 

So, so long 2008; you have been quite a year.  You have shown me the best and worst in folks and that I have a faith and a strength that I never knew I could muster. 

 

I wish you well…

 

Hello…2009…buckle up!!!

Early Morning Dialogue

Damn, my kids are funny….

Excerpt from conversation between me and the daughter on the drive to school at the butt crack of dawn…

 

DAUGHTER:  urgh!

MOMMY:  what?

DAUGHTER:  f*ck my life! 

MOMMY:  Daughter!  watch it….what’s wrong?

DAUGHTER:  Well, let’s see…I start my day at 6:00 AM with a 215 pound man beating my ass in wrestling.

MOMMY:  *giggling*  Yeah….

DAUGHTER:  Then I spend my afternoon with a 200 pound man throwing balls at my ass in softball.

MOMMY:  *more giggling*  Yeah….

DAUGHTER:  Then I spend my evening with a 300 pound man yelling at my ass at work.

MOMMY:  *still more giggling* Damn the man…

DAUGHTER:  yup

My life, in a rambling nutshell.

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I have to say, I am pretty amused at my life right now.

It’s good.  I am flat ass broke all the time, but all in all…it’s a good life.

I wrote a long, drawn out blog this week and have gotten tons of support for it.  I want to thank everyone who read it, responded, or had a discussion with someone else.  It’s my opinion, however right or wrong it may be, but it’s mine.  If you don’t like it, there’s a little red “X” in the top right corner…please, feel free to click it.

My job is going well.  It’s been strange.  I got a new boss about 6 months ago.  He’s decidedly NOT the boss I signed up for when I started the job.  I have, however, gotten used to him and he’s actually a pretty cool guy.  FUNNY…and he has that dirty, dry sense of humor that I do.  I have to admit, I did resist a bit at first, as well, he wasn’t My Maria.  My Maria that I had followed to two separate jobs.  My Maria, my mentor. 

 

Now, Maria gets to be My Friend.  That’s all.  And that works really great too.  She’s amazing as my friend and I depend on that friendship.

But the New Guy, he leaves me be.  Let’s me manage myself and I can be a real bitch when I feel like it and he will look at me, shrug and walk away.  I don’t bother him…which is cool.  I usually warn him before the bitch button is pressed.  And he just smiles, or laughs and moves on by.  But he will listen to me when I need him to, support me when I am right or wrong, and doesn’t call me out in front of everyone.  Which is a bonus, cause when I am acting like an asshole…don’t call me out…pull me aside, it works MUCH better.  It’s been great…I get my work done and I get to have the time I need off for kid stuff…yep…today, the New Guy gets two thumbs up!

So…home life is sweet.  The Whirly Mom was here last weekend.  And I will say it, I really enjoyed the visit.  I know she has a hard time that her daughter will never be “the norm.”  That it’s not the lifestyle she wanted for her daughter.  But I think the Whirly Girl and the Whirly Mom have settled into a ebb & flow that allows them to enjoy their time together without the angst that goes with all things gay…

It was a nice, sunny weekend.  We had good food, good wine (Thank you Wendie) and great conversations.  We laughed and listened.  I told the Whirly Girl yesterday as we were cooking dinner (togetherness at its best!) that I actually missed her mom and stepdad.  And there wasn’t a lightning bolt to be had…

I did not get dress yesterday.  Meaning, I took a shower put on housepants and a t-shirt and laid on the couch all.day.long.  Well, I did get up and scratch now and then.  But the daughter was busy, the son was biking with his buddies…I have not had a day where I didn’t talk to anyone NOT in front of me in months.  I don’t know that I even spoke that much at all….it was WONDERFUL!!!

Got a bit of work done.  Just what I needed to do to get a step ahead this next week.  But it was done from the couch.  Cause I am talented like that!

So here I am…home from church, reveling in my soon to be President.  My children are healthy and happy.  My partner is blissful.  I have found that I have some really good friends.  My needs are provided for and my faith runneth over…

It’s good to be alive…

The Taming of the Shrew

Current mood: stressed

It’s not my fault.  Well not ALL of it….

Please understand how much I adore my baby girl.  She is funny, smart, beautiful and the whole reason I became a mommy.  I am proud of her for so many things.

Her room is decidedly NOT one of those things…so here we go…in an effort to explain my neurosis, my compulsion for all thing NAGGISH…

I am sitting here, 48 hours and counting until SHE enters my orbit. 

SHE being the “Whirly Mom” as it were.  The Whirly Girl’s mommy is stopping through Dallas on her way to Mexico for the winter.  This isn’t new, it’s not unexpected, and it’s not all unpleasant.

The moment that the Whirly Mom gets here, it’s all smiles and relaxing… 

 

Oh, no…but the week leading UP to the visit leaves me somewhere in the vicinity of the 7th Circle of Hell.  The Whirly Girl is a nutjob.  Neurotic, high strung and just bitchy.  And the closer the visit gets, the nuttier she gets.  Which makes me bitchy. 

And we all know just how bitchy I am….well, folks, buckle up!!!

 

So, the daughter thinks that I am WAY too, er, “strident” in my cleaning rituals. 

Meaning, the daughter hasn’t cleaned a bathroom, washed a dish or picked up a broom in oh, 6 months, minimum. 

I gave up fighting her on it.  Meaning, I would end up frustrated and yelling, she gets pissy, which causes a fight and then the house is in an uproar, I am calling my sister and my mommy in tears and the daughter is calling her dad in tears to come pick her up. 

You KNOW it’s bad when she makes THAT call…

So…..

Away I go, picking up what they (meaning everyone INCLUDING me) leave lying around, mumbling to myself about what a sheep I am and how I don’t have a back bone, getting pissier and pissier until I open her door….

Uh-oh….

I see….well….this….

wow….yup….THIS….

Yup.  Pretty, huh?  There is actually A PATH cleared to her bed….

Wanna know who else had a room of this caliber growing up…you betcha…

the sister was the ORIGINAL slob that made me nuts, so it just goes to show that it RUNS IN MY MESSY FAMILY!!!

See, it’s the FIRST TIME the Whirly Girl’s mom has seen our new home.  And the Whirly Girl wants it to be great.  The Whirly Mom already has issues with the whole “gay” thing (oh, you didn’t know…yeah, well, we’re gay…)

The Whirly Mom likes me, as the Whirly Girls BEST FRIEND.  That we are anything else, well, it makes her pucker.  The Whirly Girl doesn’t want to give her anything other than the gay thing to pick on.  I think we should personally make it look as if we lived in a biohazard just so she COULD have something else to talk about, but I gotta respect the Girl.

Back to THE room….I have been asking for a week.  “Please, clean your room.”  “Please clean your room.”  And I get “I am tonight” on Tuesday night and “I am tonight” on Wednesday night and again…”I am tonight” tonight….after the football game.

OK, OK, before you tell me I should have just made her stay home and clean it up, it was her last senior varsity football game and I am a schmuck and I relented. 

I seem to relent alot when it comes to her.  But I can relent and keep harmony or dig my heels in and have the daughter throw her fit and tell everyone how unfair I am or how crazy I am. 

I want it to come across that I am cautious, that I have been there, done that.  Alas…the teenager wants to make her OWN mistakes.  Only I have to pick up after them, as they are my responsiblity until she is 18.  *sigh*

So tonight, I picked the daughter up from work, intent on bringing her home when I instead took her to her game, listening to all the promises along the way about The Room.

The daughter wonders why I yell.  The daughter wonders why I get crazy and insane.  I get insane when I have to ask for a week to get something picked up.  I get insane that I have to follow behind the pigs I live with all day, every day.  I get insane when I pick everything up in a room and then I turn around 20 minutes later and it looks as if a bomb went off AGAIN!!!  Or if the mess flows over to MY room and is left for me.  yea me…..

If I get that upset, the Whirly Girl must be over the moon, having to pick up after ME!!!!

Well, as I tried to explain, this weekend is important to the Whirly Girl, so we need to support her.  She supports all of us, especially the daughter, and the daughter, more than anyone else, should have the Whirly Girl’s back.

It’s taking everything I have to keep the two of us from entering and cleaning the daughter’s room, for our own mental well being.

So…to tame this shrew…just pick the clothes up, put the glasses in the kitchen, shove it all in the closet if necessary.  Just make it pretty for me now.  I don’t ask for much anymore.  I just need the appearance that I am in control. 

Just.for.this.weekend.

Monday, our normal programming can resume.