Knick Knacks.

So…I find it awkward, amusing and dare I say alarming that the top searches that “link” to any post of mine are WALMART and MASSAGE OIL…

And dare I say…the  People of Walmart  website is spectacular in a voyeuristic way.  I love it…it’s like stupid people crack…simply spectacular.

methinks that the train came off the tracks folks…and I feel infinitely durty for it…which doesn’t bother me at all.  Nope.  Not in the least.

My mood isn’t shifting lately.  Most of the time, I can pull myself out of the doldrums all by myself.  And usually I do it in a matter of hours.

Lately, there is a dark little rain cloud that just follows me around from place to place.  I don’t seem to be getting any relief from any angle.  I know, Lord, I know there is a lesson in here somewhere and I am sure it has to do with patience.  Again! 

I have changed who I am in my life for so many folks that I forget who I am at my base level.  I forget that I am worth something…that in the end, if I don’t take care of me, then no one else is.  In the end, I need to depend on me, just me.  Not let others take care of me,  that I need to know ME and what my needs are.

I am still handling my break up with kid gloves and it’s wearing me down.  I have hurt Whirly and I hate that.  But I am now getting to the point where it’s crunch time.  I want to scream….”Move on!” and walk away.  Really, I want to run away, but I am chubby and well, chubby doesn’t run.  Unless being chased by an ax-wielding homicidal maniac and even then, I will run the odds in my head about my survival…

Yet, we were friends before we were partners and I cherish her friendship.  I think, no I know, that right now…it’s too hard to be her friend.  Not as hard on me, because I have turned the page…but she wants what I can’t offer her.   And that makes me feel like a total jackass and I don’t like feeling like that. 

Logically, I know that I need to put distance there so she can heal, but (1) I don’t want to lose that friendship  and (2) she’s 5 effin’ minutes from the house.  Which means, we go to the same grocery store, gas station and Sonic…

Which makes it hard on New Girl.  Yeah….there’s a New Girl in my world.  Actually a New Girl that I have known damn near my whole life.  Meaning I have known her 27 years…I didn’t know that this chick was gonna fall in my lap and my heart the way she has, but damn…it was fast and hard.  God help her.

She fits my life…like she was supposed to all along.  No, I didn’t wait the “appropriate” length of time…like I am a widow or something, what exactly is the appropriate length of time…cause I guarantee I missed it, which was another notch on my Jerk of the Month belt.

…this was happening as my old relationship was unraveling.  Not that this contributed to the demise of my relationship, but it blew hers the hell apart.

For those keeping score this means that October saw:
*Stephanie TOTALLING her car  (whee!)
*the Son and Swine Flu
*ending a relationship
*assisting in ending ‘nother relationship (double whee!)
*starting a new one
*contemplating moving…seriously, yes…
*trying to keep everyone as pain-free as possible.

I was hoping for a drama free November, but it seems to be a crap shoot most days…

I want out of my funky mood.  I want to be happy and positive and I don’t know how to get there just yet.  I feel high centered and there isn’t enough leverage to fall to one side or the other. 

I heard the grass is always greener on the other side, my question is…

when do I get to the other side?

I will take Under Pressure for $500, Alex.

Answer is…

What I eat for breakfast every morning.

Question is…

Why?

I realized that I haven’t kept up my end of this bargain lately.  I haven’t exposed my inner most thoughts and demons out here on the WorldWideWeb in a month.

Did anyone miss me?

I haven’t been witness to much stupid in the world lately, which I gotta admit, is bringing me down.  But the cup has runneth over in the pressure and stress fountain for the past couple of weeks.

I thought that moving to a small town, getting some fresh air (phew!) and distance from my stressors would be good, would be healing.

It wasn’t.

The Whirly Girl and I have parted ways.  It’s been heartbreaking and eye opening all at the same time.  The things we fought about in the “big city” came with us, but what didn’t were the distractions from them.  So now, we were fighting all the time about the same shit we fought about before the move.  And I hit.a.wall.

No, it’s never a feel good moment when you blow someone you love and you envisioned your life with completely apart.  I don’t know how two people, so close, can have such vastly different ideas of how the relationship is going.  And I had to face it, deal with it and try to start healing from it.

It’s done.  Everything out in the open.  I have found that I DO have emotions and apparently I had tears until I cried every last one of them out of my body over the past two weeks.  I have found that I am probably one of the alternately compassionate and yet dick-ish people out there.

I don’t want to hurt anyone.  I can’t fake what I don’t feel and found that I was stifiling my self, editing what I was saying for the sake of not hurting somone else.  I haven’t done that since I moved out on my own at 18 and began resenting the hell out of the role of Peacekeeper. 

I have become a Blurter. You know, one of those folks who will take it and take it until they can’t take it anymore and then blurt out the truth, and in one simple sentence, blurt the truth and blow my world, her world and their world completely to pieces.

Yeah, it’s kinda sucked to walk in my shoes.

I have had people pulling at me for various and unsundry reasons since the whole breakdown of my relationship started.  What I have learned are there are some truly selfish folks in my world that I had thought were my friends.

In particular, I have one friend, who leaned on me through their breakup.  Daily, almost hourly.  I was there.  I lended comfort, compassion and support to them.  Now it’s their turn to be in my corner and they have gone MIA…if it wasn’t for Facebook updates, I would have by now, contacted the FBI to report a Missing Person.  But this person is just all about them.  No room for anyone else.

I have found strenghth in specific friends that makes me feel better.  I have found in this group of three (count ‘em) THREE people that I am loved, treasured and they support me, center me and keep me calm in this storm that I created. 

On top of the move, then the boy starting school, the adapting to really early mornings and traffic, the breakdown of communication between me and Whirly, the stress of the Daughter flailing around an hour away from me just about put me over the edge. 

I have learned that I have an uncanny ability for adaptability.  I am going to be testing the son’s adaptability in the coming months and I hope that he gets his sweet disposition and willingness to change from me.  That his sweet nature won’t be affected because mommy follows her heart.

There aren’t words to help heal the pain and disappointment I have caused.  “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem to be enough and it’s the only thing I can think to say anymore.  It just sucks. 

Me, at a loss for words.  Shocking…

truth be told…

I am truly beginning to be lieve that I was born to a traveling circus family and that the family that raised me simply thought I was cute, so they played the coin toss game until they won me.

there is no way I am born to the sheer drama that invades every part of my life.  I swear to all that I find holy, that I have to have a drama magnet surgically implanted in my body.  (And my dad thought it was a bum magnet!  pfftp!!!)  If someone, ANYONE has drama, it finds it way to my doorstep for dinner, a shower and a good nights sleep…

I am hanging a “No Vacancy” sign on my ass.  Maybe one from my forehead too, so you can see it coming and going.  Just to get the point across.

The Drama Inn is now closed.  Take your bullshit and unncessary hand wringing, head spinning drama and go elsewhere.

I have given up on caring about the stupid things in other people’s lives.  CONSIDERING they obviously care so little about me, respecting me, honoring our friendships, our familial ties, or common bonds.

I am going to teach myself to look out for myself, simply because there are MANY in my orbit, that seem to look out for noone other than themselves and I can’t deal with selfish folks anymore.

That was my New Year’s Resolution.  To put me first.  I did for about a week…then the mutts came back…

I feel like I should be on mood altering medication.  That I need to be on something to stabilize me.  My ups and downs happen in the same days sometimes and it’s wearing me out.  I have in the past taken medicine to help with the crazies, through my separation and divorce, and truth be told, if I hadn’t had Lexapro in my corner, my kids may have tied me up and put me in a closet. 

I am “better” now, I can see that things seem out of my control.  I can see however, that it’s my anger, my hurt and my low tolerance for all things drama that have me here.

It is exhausting and I feel like most days, I am on the crazy train and everyone around me is normal….I am the crazy one thinking I am normal, they are crazy.  I have asked this question of friends, the whole “Am I the crazy one?  Am I the one who is nuts and can’t see it?” 

I have been assured that it’s not me.  Which may either mean my friends are scared to tell me the truth or they are just as crazy as I am.

eh, whichever.  it works.

I am angry that I am not of a family that the bonds go deep.  There are three women left in my family and we will tear at each other and blame each other and cast aspersions upon each other with great regulatrity. 

Truth be told, I am pea green with jealousy of those who have close relationships with their  families based on mutual trust, respect and love.  I am jealous of those who WANT to be silly and have those moments…you know…those “candid camera moments” where everyone looks happy to be related and to be together…

I know we love each other but any semblance of trust and respect went out the door years ago.  Which is so very sad to know…even sadder to actually own up to it in writing.

I am angry that I can’t let go of the anger.  That it’s beginning to define me.  As hard as I try to rise above the BS that is associated with being one of the Three Stooges, I can’t for very long. 

Even now, as I am typing this, I keep going back, editing, removing things, because if I say the wrong thing or “out” anyone specific, all hell will break loose and it will be my fault because folks around me can’t act right.  Because to own their part, to apologize and TRULY move beyond it, would mean to GROW UP and who really wants to do that anyways?

I do!

Truth be told, I have “friends” in my life that I am probably better off without as well.  “Friends” that will proclaim that they support me, they will be there for me, no matter what, then they forget my birthday.  Or my favorite….send me a Happy Birthday on Facebook.  Because that’s personal….because that took you all of 20 seconds and everyone else thinks your great…however, I got a Facebook Happy Birthday and wasn’t even worth the effort of a phone call.

“Friends” who call me when they need to vent, when they need $20 bucks (or more…), when they need an “alibi” for their indescretion.  Yeah, “friends”.  These are the same people who when they do call, don’t remember I have kids or that I have moved…yeah, those friends.

Explain to me why I keep putting energy into people who don’t do the same for me?

I was told it’s because I am a fixer.  And I believe the friend that said this was correct.  (you know who you are, thank you!)

I will never claim  to be the perfect daughter, sister, mother or friend.  I forget birthdays, I don’t return phone calls.  But I am all about unconditional love, honor & respect.  If I give these to you, they are yours until you abuse them….then you have to earn them.

I guess I have to look at me.  Why I keep allowing people who have abused this unconditioanl love, honor & trust to keep coming back.  Why I keep letting them back in.  Why I can’t give up on them the way they give up on me and each other.

Why can’t I be as insincere and oblivious to other’s pain as these friends and family are to mine.

Truth be told, I need some distance.  I need some space.  I need to get some clarity and get some folks out of my life. 

It’s self-preservation mode I guess.  I feel shut down and locked up and it sucks.   The only thing I have going for me is when I get surly, my biting humor gets a bit darker and for some reason, folks just find it funnier when I am in a funk!!!

Who knew that surly and humorous were synonomous?

Truth be told, I miss the happy shiny me.  I miss looking in the mirror and liking who I see.  I miss the sound of my own laugh, knowing that in that moment….the world was sunshiny and fresh. 

Where’s Mr. Rogers when you need him?

Truth be told…I can’t change anyone and to change me means I have to look at me.

Good thing I gots this here blog…because then I can bore you with all the scary self revalations….

yup, that red “X” in the corner is your exit, should you choose to take it.

Is this what it feels like when you hit that brick wall?

Cause let me tell you…it sucks.

I have been in a pretty good place lately.  Not letting the drudge of reality truly affect me too much.

I should have known better.

After our vacation, things have been, well, off.  Not bad, but not uncomplicated.  I could manage it, I could deal with it, but it’s just seemed to have a flat spot.

let’s see….(this is gonna get rambly and grumpy, so buckle up)

The niece got really sick and had a fever for several days.  To the point of hospital visits, ER visits and worried mommy and auntie…she’s SOOOO MUCH better now, but it was leaving early and taking long lunches for me, I have an understanding boss, but I was pushing.

Apparently, a bit too much.  As things go, I have it pretty well at the job.  I am good at what I do and I like what I do.  After a rocky start, I actually like my boss;  he’s a good guy.  I let my loyalty stand in the way of discovering this for the first few months, but I realized my loyalty to my friend doesn’t (1)pay my bills and (2)affect whether or not I respect and like the guy.  So I put on my big girl panties and got over it.

It’s still embarassing, at almost 40 years of age, the boss has to tell me to figure out what I need to focus on.  Because he needs me here and needs to depend on me.  Yeah, I have taken a bit of here and there; yeah, my work is done…but he can’t DEPEND ON ME?  oh!  that’s the button.

Someone can’t depend on me…I almost dropped my heart on the floor when he said that…from embarassment and from dread, that I am not dependable…the horror!!!! 

He corrected me, he can depend on me, my work is excellent, but he knows I am capable of more than I am doing, more in my capacity as a manager.  I know he’s right, which makes me madder at myself because I have no one to blame but me. 

I have to re-prove, again, that I am committed to my job.  It’s not in jeopardy, he strongly stresses to me.  He doesn’t want me to quit or leave, nor am I being written up or even verbally reprimanded.  He wants to make sure I am here.  which just fuels me EVEN more.  ugh!

urgh!

or there’s always this old gem….

I have a daughter that is moving into her first apartment in two weeks.  TWO WEEKS!!!!  That alone is causing major stress on me for two reasons (1) she doesn’t have a car and (2) she hasn’t saved two dimes. 

In all my years as a parent, I have tried and tried to instill some responsibility in my children.  My daughter has fought me every step of the way. 

I haven’t seen much of her since then, she is gone every night and hasn’t begun packing.  I try to talk to her, but at this point, anything I say sound as if I am controlling her and the situation (her words) so I don’t or we are in a nasty, NASTY fight…the kind from two weeks ago that got her put out of the house for the night.  (good thing her bestie is a block away). 

I don’t fight back anymore, because I don’t want it to end that way.  I don’t want her last weeks at home to be remembered by how much we fought.  And she is completely taking advantage of it.   I need a break from it. 

I ache when I think of how much I will miss her, how empty it will feel, but we both need the space.  She needs to get out, on her own and learn that it’s not all handed to you. 

I feel enormous guilt because I can’t provide her with a car, but our rent is $300 MORE per month than my house payment, willingly paid each month to keep her close to her friends so she can graduate with them. 

Help me out here…$300 x 24 months = $7,200.00.

There’s your car.  Enjoy.

But she doesn’t see it that way.  And it’s been hard to explain that Whirly took a lower paying job to be home in the afternoons.  That Whirly pays HER bills, but I am responsible for them.  It doesn’t math out for the daughter, who thinks that I have put Whirly ahead of all others and that the daughter has suffered because I didn’t have the funds to provide a vehicle to the ONLY STUDENT IN HIGH SCHOOL to not have a car.

This is the same student who went to every dance in a new outfit, every banquet, every concert and party she wanted. 

The only thing I made her responsible for was her cell phone.  She’s had a job for two years and overdrafts her account more than the government does…

and yet, I am the designated dumpee….

and stay tuned for the newest ballad…

I have a family member in the midst of a “holy shit” moment…a huge issue that as much as it isn’t my battle, I find I keep getting drawn into it.  Even when I actually say the words “I don’t want to be part of this.”  I find that I am, because that’s family.  Yet, I want help.   And it seems to not be offered, even in the smallest of doses.  Because WE all need to help.  WE all are part of this family WE all need to maybe change our plans, adjust our needs and get this taken care of.  The sooner, the better.

As it stands, I will be changing my plans, I will be adjusting my needs and Whirly and I will help get it taken care of.  No thanks to others.  Sadly friends and friends OF friends are stopping, dropping and helping.  With no hidden agenda.

and finally…

…we are moving, already given our notice to the landlord and as of this moment, do not have a home.  BECAUSE the one we liked, the one we thought was ours, well…my credit sucks and that is the end of that.

We do have a contingency plan, another one we like too, but it’s not the one that we liked the best.  It’s the one we liked first and the son is stoked over it, so that’s a bonus.

If I can get the guy to call me back.  eeeeekkk!!!!!!

Because right now, in a month, I am homeless.  And the son starts school in 6 weeks. 

His acceptance of this is paramount to me.  He has to be happy where we move because it’s gonna be his home.  And I don’t want him to feel left out of decisions.  He’s got enough on his plate dealing with a douchebag dad and family that can lay a guilt trip on him like no one else.  At no point should a 10 (almost 11 mom!) year old feel guilty for being loved.  Nor should he feel an ounce of hurt because someone can show an ounce of comfort, support and love for him.  I mean, someone other than me…cause that’s soooo uncool!

Did I mention in the last 10 days the boy has had an earache and now pink eye….?  yeah….

It’s all starting to pile up on me.  All the pressure.  No, I can’t fix it all, but everyone looks to me, calls me, wants me there…so no, I don’t want to, I want to say “get away from me, leave me be….”  but I can’t.  I got too many people who can’t seem to function without me.  And I am beginning to not function well at all.

if I don’t, I fear no one will.  Then I have to clean up what is left behind, because these folks in my orbit can’t clean up after themselves. 

That big brick wall is looming faster and faster in front of me…please Lord, put a door in it before I get there…

I need my faith now, more than ever…I need to feel it get me through these times, simply because…

I am frightened.

Spongebob, Crankypants

It’s a gorgeous, warm, breezy Friday…so maybe that’s it.

Tanner thinks it’s sympathy irritability for her kidney stones.

Whatever it is, I am in a spectacularly pissy mood.  And it has come upon me in a matter of 20 minutes.

It has been a whirlwind week of activity.  Let’s see…

• Monday, that in itself defines cranky day.
• The son’s award ceremony was on Tuesday.  Not much to report there other than the same moms ignored me the same way they have for three years.  Nevermind we served on the PTA board together.  Or we did until my senior decided to take over my life the past six months.
• We went to my niece’s kindergarten graduation on Tuesday night…which should be a blog in itself…oh, wait…it will be.  Suffice it to say, I almost bit my tongue off to keep from verbally assaulting a parent.
• Wednesday found Whirly Girl deciding to cut her finger open at work and requiring stitches in her finger.  As I sat in the waiting room of an urgent care facility because we aren’t “a legal couple.”  Yeah…my head almost spun off my shoulders on that one!
• Thursday….hmmm….nope, nothing.
• Which leads to today…I have people in my orbit that want to come across as really great friends.  That I matter to them.  In reality, they are simply party friends.  And that’s TOTALLY OK.  But don’t use me for a stepping stone to further parties.   Most days, that wouldn’t tick me off.  But today…it does.

I have also found that folks that walk into my space while I am on the phone and decide to (a) begin a conversation with me with no regard for my being on the phone or (b) want to stand there and wait until I get off the phone, staring and listening to the whole conversation, should expect to be pelted with (1) paper clips (2) rubber bands (3) spit wads or (4) water balloons…

grrrr….

and if you are in my office, looking around on my desk for something…that’s not going to make me happy either.  I don’t dig around in your stuff.  Stay outta mine.

grrr…..

I have talked to the Respondent everyday for the past month.  And I am beyond impatient at this point.  In fact, when I see his number on the caller ID, I simply answer, “What?”  He doesn’t understand why I am not more civil to him…

I don’t know…maybe four years of death threats, name calling, harrassing telephone calls, turmoil for my kids….maybe THAT’S why I am not nicer to you dickhead…you haven’t earned it.  now, leave me alone! 

grrrrr….

And I think something has happened to my unicorn…I haven’t seen him lately, perhaps he only comes out in the spring.  Until Easter.  But I am worried about him.  I may stop by the McDonald’s and see if they know his whereabouts.

Basically…my crappy attitude is pointing to the fact that I have two more weeks until vacation…two whole weeks.  Which is two weeks too long for my feet to NOT be in the sand.

I did however, hear “The Candy Man Can” and “Joy to the World” on the way back to work this afternoon so that helped.

But it didn’t help that I had to leave work and then COME BACK…on a day like this…

see…the Lord giveth…the Lord teaseth…*sigh*

Darkness falls.

I am having a really hard time being me right now.  In this moment, in this week.

I can’t put a finger on the exact thing that is bringing me down, its a multitude of things.  Big things, little things, imaginary things….but they are piling up and overwhelming me.  I want to zig, when I should zag. 

what I REALLY want to do is curl into a ball and cry.  a really good, healthy cry…but I don’t like to cry, so I sit stuck.

I really don’t like to whine and complain.  I am the good time girl.  I am the one that everything happens for a reason girl.  I am the pick myself up and dust myself off girl.

I am exhausted girl.

So, the amount of stress that I am under/consume/deal with is exponentially growing at a rate that rivals the ever increasing national debt.  And like our government, I am slowing realizing I can’t deal with it.  I don’t think I know how to at this moment.

Why is it up to me to be the sounding board for anything with vocal abilities/typing abilities/telepathic tendencies?  I mean, folks will line up to tell me all their shit.  To look at me and say, “ok, I am a screwed up mess and I want to tell you about it.  then you can tell me what you think.”  Only, I have run out of room.  For me.  For my shit.  I can’t even think about which end is up and I have to remember to breathe in, breathe out.

I need a fucking break. 

I need a day without the Responded hitting me up about the child support.  I need a day where the colossal waste of skin that he is, takes responsibility for his own life and lets me finally off the hook for his financial woes.  I know I don’t have to listen.  I don’t have to answer when he calls…but when I don’t, he doesn’t stop…or he sends the messge through one of the kids…nice, right?  Nothing like one of your own looking at you and saying “Dad doesn’t need to pay for me anymore.  You can stop this now.”  urgh…

I need one day, where the son isn’t moody and quietly defiant.  If we ask him to do something once, we ask him 5 times.  By the 5th time, he is surly and on the verge of tears because he doesn’t understand why we are now frustrated and raising our voices.  I need one day where he doesn’t look at me with those eyes and say “I miss my old house, I miss my dad.”  And I don’t have to think of a nice way to tell him “dad’s a douchebag who isn’t capable of thinking past himself.  He made me sell the house and I can’t make him see you or call you.”  I want the son to not have the emotional scars that I am incapable of preventing at the hands of his father and myself.

I want one day where the daughter isn’t stressing me out about graduation.  Or her close call with not graduating, which I am in the grips of.  For four years I have talked and talked about how important grades are, and here we are, in the final lap, 3rd curve, and we aren’t sure we get to walk across the stage.  She swears she will, but I am silently praying, daily.  I want one day, where I am not the controlling bitch of a parent and I am simply the one that is there, day in, day out, wallet open…trying to use my difficult path as her guidepost.  I want her life to be so much easier than my own has been, yet she is determined to prove to me she doesn’t have to listen to get it right, on her battleground terms.

I want one day where my love in life isn’t angry at the load of stress she sees me under.  I want her to be the shiny happy positive person she was.  I want that the Respondent not infect her the way he has me.  I want that my family support her, so she can in turn, support me.  I want for her to not let all of it get to her the way it does, because we can’t both be upset all the time.  One of us has to be positive.  I am exhausted by it.  I am exhausted by always being the “everything is gonna be ok” person.  Sometimes, I need the bad mood too.  I want her to not stress over the things in which aren’t of her doing.  This person is a sweet and gentle soul and I am very much afraid by pulling her into my world, I have broken something inside her and I can’t fix it. 

I miss the laughter.  I miss the levity that the past two years has snuffed out of my world. 

I don’t know when or how it left, but it’s missing.  Not everyday, not every moment, but they seem to be few and far between right now. 

I can find the stupid, the amusing in the outside world, but when it comes to looking AT my world, today, nothing is amusing.  Tomorrow may be different, but today…eh….

I want one day.  For me.  Just me.  To get back to me. 

I miss me.

Someone is trying to tell me something…

I have seen this EVERYWHERE today and have given it a thumbs up everytime I see it, but seeing as I am just THIS over the whole gay marriage is an abomination thing….I am gonna post it MYSELF…

seriously…e-mailed to me TWICE (well, once, and then someone in the group sent it to me again) and then all over Facebook…

Like I said earlier…you can’t cherry pick the Bible for the verses that support your views…cause I can find just as many to support mine.

**********************************************************************************

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, longer life spans, cell phones, personal computers, and reality television!

Spring Fever…

As much as I love this time of year, I hate it.  I have chronic Spring Fever….

I am in such a rut.  I firmly blame it on Madoff, Republicans, AIG, the banking industry, Bush, global warming, the hole in the ozone, our inability to find life on Mars, etc.

Because I cannot abide by blaming it on myself!  no!  shock and horror!!!

blech….it’s this damn weather…seriously…it’s 79* one day, 32* the next day, it’s sunny, then rainy, then the chance of winter weather…

As much as I love Texas, I am over the spring weather…(hint, I say this EVERY YEAR!!!)   So…I am here, suffering with Mother Nature & her PMS…waiting for something.

I want to plant in my garden, only I can’t yet, as the cold front is awaitng me to do this….as soon as I am done planting, it will freeze…doesn’t matter if it’s now or July…it will freeze!  just to mess with me.

I want to play outside, alas, with the rain, comes mud.  And blooming EVERYTHING.  which can be miserable.  Thank  Heaven for Claritin and Benadryl. 

I want to move.  I am over living in Dallas.  I am over living somewhere that I worry about my kids playing outside and who they are playing with.  I have long dreamed of living in a small community, with football being the big thing on Friday nights, that folks know each other and are friendly.  That there is a local cafe that everyone goes to. 

I get to move this summer, to this type of place and it can’t get here fast enough.  I want to take my house with me, but since it’s a rental and the landlord probably won’t let me uproot his house, I have to leave it behind.  And I LOVE my house….sigh.

I want it to warm up so I can play in the swimming pool.  I have decided anywhere I live in Texas, I will have a pool…because by August, I will be living in it…so I want to get in it now…

I want my vacation to be here NOW!!!  As we are heading to our spot on the beach again this year, I want to feel the sand between my toes.  The sun on my face and the smell of the salt water. 

Spring Fever, at it’s best.  I think it comes from being sick this winter.  I mean, my folks have been sicker this winter than I can remember in recent history.  The son has had a perpetual cough and snot combo for four months.  Three rounds of antibiotics and he’s still a little congested…but I attribute that to allergies.  The daughter only really got sick once, but it was a doozy…she’s felt bad since then, but hasn’t had a full blown cold since then (*knocks on wood*).  I have been sick beyond words…and then topped it off with three weeks of what seemed to be unending kidney stones.  Whirly got away with one really yucky cold and played nurse to the rest of us…God love her…

I guess that’s it…I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.  I need to get outside, maybe the sunshine will be much more effective with every day.  Something gotta give. 

I need to find the funny again.  With this craptastic weather, my sense of humor seems to have taken a turn and what was once peppy and happy is now cantankerous and downright surly.

Betcha Dr. Get Over It will just tell me to take two and call the day off…

at least until the the clouds go away…right?

Ha-rumpf!

stream of conciousness

I need to rely on my faith.  I haven’t been.  I have been testing my faith and it’s not what I am supposed to do.  I am supposed to lean on it, celebrate it and float on it when necessary. 

As I have written many times, my faith is fundamental to my being.   I don’t have to explain it or justify it to anyone else.  I am here to celebrate it, share it and own it.  For some reason, I had put it on a shelf lately and ignored it.  And today, I had to sit, be still and reclaim it. 

THAT feels right.  And good.  And peaceful.

Lord, keep me close.  Show me your path for me.  Keep me on a short leash!

********

it’s been a while and I seem to have misplaced my sense of humor lately.  I figured out today, it’s because I am letting others rain on MY parade.  And that pisses me off.

I don’t like when people heap their bullshit upon other people and then walk away.  I don’t like being the person that gets bullshit heaped on me.  It usually stinks and lets face it….not many look good in brown.

I had me a good long talk with, well, me, on my way home from work today.  I have come to realize that I have been listening to the outside world more than my inside world.  Meaning, I am letting outside forces and folks dictate how I feel, how I relate to others and how I am handling stress.

I have made choices in my life to limit certain amounts of pain and anger into my life. 

So as such, here’s the “Ha-rumpf” List:

I can’t let my anger at others dictate my life.  My anger is directly linked to my passion.  Meaning, I can get passionately angry with someone or be angry with someone I am passionate about.   It’s a double-edged sword, my world….

See, passion for me, is more than about my lover.  It’s about my loved ones, my friends, my family, my faith, my hobbies….they all hold passion for me.  Something inside me burns to proctect them with all that I have.  It’s passion. 

Unfortunately, my passion rules my emotions, it dictates my logic at times….and my temper.

I have resolved to keep my passion a bit more in check.  A bit more reserved.  For the past month or so, I have let my emotions rule my world and its taking a toll on me.  I can’t let my anger with others affect me when it doesn’t bother them.  My love for those people doesn’t diminish, it just takes the disappointment in them to a grander scale.  And that’s where I get angry.  I don’t hold people in such high expectations that they can’t achieve them.  I expect you to be able to read, write and cut your own meat…

That’s about it.

Ahhhh….wait….I expect you to not be stupid.  Yes….there is my letdown…human nature and all…we all have a stupid gene.  It’s more dominant in some, recessive in others.

I can’t let other peoples insanity affect me any more.  I got folks all over the place doing insane things.  It doesn’t matter who, what or why…it’s not smart.

I choose not to put myself around insane people.  Like folks who think I can sit in a room with them and the GIANT FUCKING ELEPHANT and not acknowledge the elephant.  I have decided, good, bad or painful…I will no longer put insanity or the elephant in the room with me, I have a mouth on me and it’s just too much to sit and be silent.

I need to be quiet, sit back and let folks (a) make their mistakes and (b)clean up after they make their mistakes.  I can’t be responsible for you, your children, your relationships, your finances, your anything….it’s on each of you to do so yourselves.  

If you think you are the best parent, partner, money manger, etc. that you can be, then go with that.  Quit telling me how good you are at any of it, you are trying too hard to convince me, and I don’t think it’s me that needs convincing.  Good luck! 

I have my opinion, and like my dad said….”Opinions are like assholes, everyones got one and it usually smells like shit!”  I swear the man was a prophet….

my Ha-rumpf! lists consists of:

bye-bye anger….you wear me out

bye-bye drama…you too, exhaust even the saints

bye-bye elephant…you need to find peanuts elsewhere…the circus has left town…

Stick a fork in me Chuck, I am done…..

For three years now, I have taken the abuse heaped upon me by the Respondent.  I will joke about it or make snarky comments in a survey every now and then, but today, I.hit.my.limit…….

Time to open this wound;

Five years ago, I made a life altering decision.  I decided I could do it on my own.  I didn’t have to be married.  Well, it took me about a year to get the courage up to say something and when I did, I backed down, I offered to work things out.  And for 6 months, I tried.  I tried to get him to do things with me, with his family, to come for dinner.  ANYTHING, and nothing.  So I stepped out and filed for divorce.  It was scary and there were 100 times I changed my mind, but it always felt peaceful.

SOOOOOO, in doing so, and after conversations with the Respondent, I went and asked my attorney for a “simple” straight line divorce.  Simple decree said I kept physical custody of the kids, the house until they were 18 and would receive child support.  Well, he flipped!  Not just flipped, but dragged the divorce out for a YEAR!!!!!!  And all civility and sanity took a permanent vacation from the Respondent’s life.  He now resides somewhere in a suburb of Paranoia and Crazy.

So, that being said, as easy going and compromising as I wanted to be, he was difficult.  He wouldn’t tell the truth about what he made, he hid stuff, his attorney was a nut.  My attorney stayed pissed at me because I was SO genial to the Respondent.  I wouldn’t let him throw the bum in jail, nor would I make the bum pay the amount he should for support, I let him go with less.  In the end, he offered more and we all agreed.

Then came the house….through the Respondent’s financial “wizardry” and my struggling, we almost lost the house to foreclosure, but as always, the Lord above carried me on my faith and helped me with a solution.  So, the Respondent being the dick he was, forced me to SELL the house.  OK, that’s fine….

but here’s the humdinger, the damn thing set on the market for 18 months.  The Respondent thought I was actually sabotaging the sale….keeping the place messy, not holding open houses, etc.  And even when armed with proof of 37 open houses (YES!!! 37!!!!) and thousands of dollars in repairs to projects he started and never finished, he tormented me for 18 months about it. 

So, we lower the price, again and again….until we get an offer.  Of what we are asking.  The Respondent accepts the offer and then the DAY BEFORE we are to close, he flexes, because he thinks I am getting more money than he is.  That he deserves more than he is getting from the divorce decree THAT HE AGREED AND SIGNED!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is in a panic, my agent has decided DURING the closing process to MOVE TO EFFIN’ Las FREAKIN’ Vegas and left me to deal with the Respondent, the buyers and THEIR agent….sooooo, everyone is telling the bum that if he backs out, with contracts signed and escrow money exchanged, the buyers, the agents, the title company will sue.  And they leave me to negotiate with the bastard.

So, in an effort to get him to agree, I offered him money, I told him I would give him some of my portion (WAAAAAY against the attorney’s, my children’s and the title officer’s advice).  He settled down and it went as planned.  Days later, I called and offer him an amount of money…… He tells me it’s not enough and to “Shove it up my ass.”  And hangs up on me.  I call and leave messages for over a week with no return call.  So I decided – I am going to use it on my kids, my debts and replacing Maggies furniture because HE took her furniture. 

So here we are….THREE and 1/2 YEARS later and he is still telling me that I lied to him, that I am a liar, that I tricked him to get him to sign the papers.  I have tried telling him that it’s gone buddy….used for his children. 

We have now resorted to threatening to kill me, on at least 6 different occasions.  My favorite was today and I quote, “If I thought I could get away with it and not end up in Huntsville, I would f*cking kill you.”  Nice, right?    I have heard him rant and rage at how he “fears for my life, like someone is going to hurt me” or he “got a new scope for his hunting rifle.  It’s 500 yards, dead nut, I would hit the ground before anyone could figure out it was him” or my personal favorite, “you will be dead sooner than you think.”  

Now, he typically does this when I can’t get the tape recorder turned on or I have my children around me and I can’t react.  He calls me crazy and I need therapy.

I have continued to forgive and give chance after chance after chance….almost to the point of causing problems with my current relationship, Leslie HATES how nice I am to him.  Maggie can’t stand it either!  The Respondent blames me for everything wrong in his life and he refuses to take ANY responsibility for his mistakes in our marriage or beyond. 

I felt the need to continue to be prayerful and decent to him, to make excuses for his bad behavior and even further, to act respectful and honorable to him.  I keep thinking about my Mamaw’s addage “You catch more flies with sugar.”  Well, let me tell you, I have tried sugar for three years, and it ain’t workin!

I won’t focus on being nice to him any longer, I won’t even give him the energy it takes to be angry at him.  I am simply going to ignore that he draws air.  I am sick of his idle threat of taking me to court for custody.  I am no longer going to overlook the fact that he ignores court orders…..he isn’t going to appreciate at all this new side to Stephanie. not at all……

Yup,  I am done being cordial and accomodating to a huge lump of crap….done, Chuck, done.