The slimmer me…

The thoughts are rolling fast and hard tonight folks…..

I thought, it’s about time that I put a bit of an update out here about the ol’ Birth of My Girth…..

Folks, 23 pounds gone.  Not alot, but hey….it’s better than I anticipated.

I got off to a pretty good start this year and for some reason I have been sidetracked almost daily from work, kids, stress, family, health, house….etc……yes, I can find every excuse in the book.

I have found that I truly lack a certain degree of willpower when it comes to me and my appearance.  I quit smoking cold turkey almost two years ago now and the two occasions when I picked a stick up….I quickly remembered by I gave them up.  But that is about as far as my willpower will take me.

Why can I have the backbone to quit smoking, yet not get my fat ass up and exercise?  I struggle with this.  Now, it’s blazing hot in the afternoons (Texas and all), I do get in the pool, however, with kids, they always want to “play,” when  I tell them I want to exercise, I get met with “aw, mom, we don’t spend enough time together playing anymore….play with me….”  Works like a charm, every time.  I can’t help it, I want this time with them now….

I need to keep focused on I want the time with them later in life as well.  I have to keep telling myself that.  I have been better about not drinking sodas, taking my lunch to work, not eating too unhealthy.  But I find I fall more than I would prefer.  *sigh*

I did research some “cleanses” for my body and so far, Isagenix, is the product I am most comfortable with.  I have a few friends on it, I have seen the results on them and I am thinking this is a product that I can use.  I read into the whole “cayenne pepper, lemon juice, honey and water” cleanse and all I can imagine is a truly unbearable case of diarreah that will drop me to my knees….nope, no thank you….not my scene.

Leslie & I have found Weight Watchers meetings close to the house and are inquiring about the group times when about joining.  My sister has all the books and such and will be forking those over as soon as she can put hands on them. 

I have decided gastric bypass is much too invasive for me and therefore I will not be going under the knife for a smaller waist.  I have thought about Lapband, but haven’t researched it yet.  I don’t know that a surgery is something I want to do for a situation that I put myself in with every bite I put in my mouth.

I have a support system in place that I need to learn to lean on, to talk to and to share with.  I can’t do this on my own.   I am an emotional eater and instead of putting food in my face, I need to find someone, talk to them and get through it without cheesecake, Twinkies or Rolos…..

I am religious about my water intake.  It’s a double edged sword…..I am prone to kidney stones.  Bouts of them that land me in the hopsital.  And after being in labor with two children…..kidney stores are just too close to labor pain for my taste and well, THEY HURT!!!!!  So to keep them at bay, I drink LOTS of water and cranberry juice….

oh, my cranberry juice…..so good for me….LOADED WITH CALORIES!!!!!!!!  I was sabotaging myself, without thinking about it.  Trying to switch to Pomegrante juice…..it’s an acquired taste…..not sure if I have acquired it yet….

So, I am going to be resolute in my water, my weight watchers, my food log and my exercise.  I need to make sure that I am here for at LEAST 50 more years or so……

It’s coming along folks….

Well, I have stepped back onto the “straight” and narrow of watching what I eat, instead of looking the other direction in shame.  It’s been a roller coaster, full of excuses as to why I derail and the determination I beat myself up with…

 But tonight, folks, I see a change.  Yes, I finally see a change. 

The face is thinner and the pants, well, they are a bit baggy.  I don’t know exactly how much I have pulled off, but if I can see it in my face, methinks it’s about 15-20 pounds.

The weather is getting better and I have a goal.  Leslie and I are determined to walk the Susan G Komen Three Day in November in honor of Diana.  It will help Leslie and I want to support her and all others who can’t do this for themselves.

My peace of mind is slowly returning.  Which is monumental in the weight loss war.  Being as I am an emotional eater as opposed to a stress eater, my emotional health is so important to me as well. 

I was talking to my sister today and told her something that it’s taken me 37 years to really get…..

I can’t go through life trying to make people fit into MY mold of what I think THEY should be.  I have to see them for what they are, not what I want them to be.  whew…..you have no idea what a load off of me that has become.

So I have given my anger, my angst, my fears and worries over to Him.  I have to have faith that if I am a good, honorable person, that the universe will fill my world with good and honorable things.  Now, I am not naive enough to think that I live in a bubble and nothing bad will come my way.  Karma is a funny thing…..example; Sunday, I was picking on Leslie about who knows what and as I walked toward the closet, the ironing board fell on me.  It didn’t hurt me, but it was karma telling me “ah, ah, ah…..be nice.”

With the peace that comes with understanding that I don’t have to understand human nature to have it completely fascinate me, I no longer allow myself to be controlled by others.  To allow someone else to rain on my parade.  It’s made me stronger, more self assured and down right, dare I say it….mature. 

Holy shit….watch out world, she’s growing up!  [you should be hearing the Mary Tyler Moore theme song in your head, you know "You're gonna make your dreams come true, da da da daaa."]

I feel really good.  And in staring in a mirror tonight, I realized, hey!  it’s working, you look a bit thinner in the jowls…..

Say goodbye to chin #5, only 3 left to go (’cause you want to have at least one, right?)

I feel pretty….oh, so pretty….

well….it’s been a while since I did the blog about the weight thing….so here it is…..I am trying to stay the course, but man, it’s hard.

I have fallen off the no-soda train more than I am proud of….and I feel it….I do much better with my eating habits, this has become easier for me and it’s almost second nature now.  I cook better for my family and we all seem to enjoy it, there is less “aww crap…fish sticks, again???” 

I am not eating fast food, mostly.   My body is beginning to revolt at grease, my one indulgence is Taco Bueno, but since the first of the year, I have had it exactly three times.  not bad, huh?

I feel like I need to “detox” my body.  I feel off right now, my body is sore and I have weird aches.  I think I have put so much crap into it over the years, that I need to really detox from all of it.  I need to research a safe and effective way to do this, I know the whole cayenne pepper, honey & lemon juice remedy, but I gotta think that can’t be too good for a system.

I am going to keep up with the water.  I am absolutely addicted to water with lemon.  Melinda at work, turned me onto TruLemon, which is packets of powered lemon along the lines of Sweet N Low.  And it’s plain ol’ concentrated lemon….two packets of this in a huge glass of water and I am sucking water down all day long.

It’s getting warmer so I am looking forward to being outside and moving around more.  I WILL start walking and will get further and further with every step.  I told Leslie that I want to do the Three Day Walk for the Cure and that’s sixty miles.  We want to do it in honor of Leslie’s cousin Diana, who recently lost her battle with cancer.  If she could battle strong like she did, then I can walk twenty miles a day for three days.

I have been getting clearer and clearer.  I have found that I have been in a profoundly good mood for the past three weeks.  Like a noticeably good mood.  It’s weird and I am truly enjoying being happy….all the time…..even my smartass comments come off happy.  I think it has to do with the fact that I am keeping my word to myself.  I am believing in myself and I am proud of what I am doing.  FOR me.  for my kids, my family, my partner.

The only issue I seem to be having right now is the excruiating pain in my knees.  I have had bad knees for many years, mostly due to the increase of stress and weight I have put on my joints.  I don’t know if they are hurting more because I am more active, they are loosening up, or if I am just hurting from the fatness of me.  Probably a bit of it all….people joke that their bodies revolt at the THOUGHT of exercise, well, mine is pissed off at me!!!!!  I read for every pound I lose, it takes 4 pounds of pressure off of my joints.  So I am working on it…..

I want to see more of a change in my physical.  My skin is clearer, my eyes seem brighter, hair glossier.  I know it’s from nutrition, but I was to see less mass.  I want to see a smaller derriere, one chin and I am impatient.  I want it NOW!!!!

Here’s to a detox….I will let you know what I discover, not in graphic detail, I promise, but which one works for me.

Besides a prom I gotta look hot for….now I have a reunion to contend with.  Talk about motivation!!!! 

As Leslie’s says;  “whooo-ya!”

The Ongoing Saga of the Girth, part 1213….

Well, let’s just say, sickness is not conducive to a diet.  

I have fallen off the wagon in a big, fat way….I have been sick with the “bug” for the past two weeks, (Big ups to Leslie and Riley for sharing said bug!) and have not had an appetite.

So I have forced myself to eat for days.  Nothing has a taste to it or even a smell, so I have been truly eating for fuel.  Well, Sunday, I caught up. 

I ate, and ate, and ate….nothing hit the spot and damnit, Dairy Queen is closed on Sundays!!! 

So here I am, on Thursday, beating myself up, starting over.  I don’ t know what I gained back, but I am sure I did.

I did a fun little thing last weekend.  I bought ankle weights.  I got low weights, due to wanting to see how it would affect my knees, and I wear them every day under my pants, you can’t see them, but it’s like a little bit of exercise with every step I take.

I am now committed.  WAAAAYYY committed.  My church has landed on a date for our Prom, May 17th.  And as chairwoman for the event, I am gonna look hot.  I am gonna get out there, dance my gay ass off and look good doing it.

Fear of embarrassment is a great motivator!!!!

Now it’s back on the ol’ fat wagon…..damnit!

Slimming side-effects!

Know what’s good for weight loss…..effin’ flu!!!!! 

This sucks!  I went home from work LAST Wednesday and have just returned.  I still feel like crap, however, with all the fluids that Leslie is pumping into my body….I have peeled off a few….

Had a great time with my Kenner on Saturday.  I love her so much!  I cannot imagine not having her in my life.  What a great friend. 

Sunday woke me with the ol’  “I’m not done with you yet.”  So I laid around, complaining, while the whirly girl, also sick, did laundry (I cannot function sick) and took care of me.  What a trooper. 

So, dosing up last night gave me mad, crazy dreams…..I apparently giggled in my sleep.  I was on a sitcom of sorts….

All in all….I guess if I can hang with the flu, I could drop to my goal size in weeks!!!  effin flu!

Ongoing saga of the girth

Well, the end of the month is drawing near and I must say…dang!  Where did this month go?  Holy cow….

I am for the most part successfully maintaining good habits.  It’s hard. 

But my friends, I am today, 11 pounds lighter than when I started this trip.  It’s not much, but it’s a start.  Things fit different, I can feel the difference more in my legs and hips than anywhere else. 

It’s encouraging.  As the weather warms up, I am looking forward to getting outside and being so much more active.  I have a pool in my backyard for heaven’s sake….I can get out there and work.  There is a school and park across the street with HUGE soccer fields that I can walk and play….I just want to be more active than I am.  But I am so much more active now than I was.  And I have the sore legs & thighs to attest to it.  My body is in shock. 

After 17 years of inactivity, my body is trying to sort out how it feels about me taking control back from my appetite.  I feel it whine and pout, but when I think about the prom I am chairing and the image of what I want to look like, the body quiets down and works with me.   I talk as if they are two separate parts and for me they are.

I tried something old school and it seems to be helping.  I write down everything I eat.  All day.  And to see it in writing really puts some perspective on it.  I don’t beat myself up for the Hershey Kiss now and then (my weakness!) but I get a picture of how I do every day.

See, I comfort eat.  I eat when there is a lack of stress.  I boredom eat.  I eat when there is nothing else to do.  At least I did…..

Now, I eat to nourish myself.  For fuel to keep my body going.  And it’s a hard thing to change that mind set.  I don’t typically get bored….there’s too much to do in my life.  It’s whether or not I want to do it.  Now, I don’t give me the choice, I just do it.  I don’t think about the option of sitting and vegging….I stay moving.

As for stress and comfort.  Stress focuses me.  I work really well with stress.  I know, weird, but I seem to work better when I have more to do.  Not emotional stress, but work related deadline type stress.  When I don’t have it and I am getting stuff done, then I go find someone’s candy dish. 

When I need comfort, I am learning to talk to people.  I have a small group of friends that I lean on without reserve and without hesitation.  They get me.  They love me and they don’t judge me.  They will however, tell me when I seem to be a ”Bit” irrational or flat out wrong.  I love these folks.  As hard as it is for me, I am learning, instead of stuffing down my insecurities and my anger, I deal with it, I talk about it, I own it.  As I work through it, I don’t focus on eating it away.  It’s gone and I didn’t gain 30 pounds in the process.

So this new program helps….physically, emotionally and mentally.  I cannot tell you how good it feels after 17 years to hear someone say “Wow! you’ve lost weight!” and know that you did it on your own, on your own terms.

So there’s lots more water, exercise and good foods in my future.  I feel better, I can’t wait to look better.

Here’s to February!

Love thy body

Well, it’s been about two weeks since my last post.  I am sincerely trying to keep up with a post as often as possible, but it seems like life gets in the way most days…..

Tonight, the whirly girl is watching The Rock, the son is playing Guitar Hero and the daughter is at a swim meet….so I had a couple of minutes and I thought I would update whoever reads my drivel.

So….two weeks.  Let me tell you, changing your eating habits isn’t easy.  It takes work.  It takes A LOT of work. 

I have worked at becoming more methodical, more structured, more organized this year.  Simply because, I have kids, I need to be more “on top” of things now.  If I make time to take care of me, it gives me more time to take care of them.  So with that in mind, I pack my lunch now.  I try to get it packed at nght, but most times, I do it in the mornings before I wake kids up.  But I pack it every day.  It happens that I pack enough to snack through the day, instead of breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I pack enough to NOT get hungry.  And it seems to be helping.

I make sure that I eat SOMEthing for breakfast every day.  And I drink a glass of water with it.  I start snacking mid morning and don’t really stop to ever eat “lunch” but I eat something more substantial.  Previously, I wouldn’t do this.  It takes some getting used to.  I am a busy person and it’s actually HARD to eat like this.  I have to not wait until my stomach is growling and I am ready to eat my desk.  I HAVE to remember to snack.  Pretzels, oranges (yumm!), and every once in a while, a Hershey Kiss.

As I cook dinner, I drink LOTS of water.  So I don’t snack before dinner.  And I don’t get seconds, and I don’t finish my plate….well I try not to. 

I also have tried a new trick….I brush my teeth after every meal.  Somehow, it “tricks” my tastebuds and brain that I have finished and I am full.   

I found a new columnist in Good Housekeeping that writes about diet, exercise and positive self image, Geneen Roth.  Her website is www.geneenroth.com.  Her column this month is “Love the One You’re With.”  Instead of hating your thighs, your belly, your hips, be grateful that you have arms to hug a loved one with, a heart that beats, lungs that breathe.  Love the sum total of your parts.

It’s hard for me to look in a mirror.  I want to see a slimmer, more shapely me.  I fear that no matter how much weight I lose, because Iwill lose weight, I will always see this greatly exaggerated version of myself.  Right now, when I look, I am HUGE.  I know that my self image is warped and my preception is not at all what is truly there.  It’s hard to look and when I do, I want to cry.  I cannot believe I let myself go like I have.

Once, at a recital of Maggie’s, I went into the ladies room to wash my hands; in the full length mirror next to the sink, I got a sideways glance of myself.  I realized at that moment, I wasn’t as big as I thought I was.  I looked trimmer in that mirror.  If I could have gotten it off the wall and into my car without being noticed….I would have taken the magic mirror home.  And again, at Valvoline once, I noticed that the “prodigious” ass that I had, didn’t seem as large and previously imagined.

Yet, when I take a good look in the mirror at home, I see different.  I am embarassed, I don’t want anyone else to see me like this.  I have to fight through this, this depression that will sit down on me and weigh me down (great!  more weight!!!) and keep me where I am.

I have used my kids as an excuse not to exercise, to eat horribly and to basically not take care of me.  I need to use them as my REASON to get healthy, to exercise, to eat better.  I have to teach them better habits than I have, so my children and grandchildren will be healthy and live great lives.

So, almost a month into the new year, I am not drinking sodas….well, I have had three.  I feel better, lots of water and I am moving more.  I want the weather to cooperate, I want to get outside and walk more.  

I can feel changes in my body and my sister told me the other day that I looked like I had lost some weight.  It felt good.  I have decided that I am grateful for the body that I have, that it is a wondrous thing, this machine I manage.  I am going to take better care of it.  I am going to like how it looks and I am going to walk tall and proud. 

And sassy!!!!

It’s a week into it, yeah, it’s going….

Well, it’s about a week into the New Year.  And I guess it’s time for the ol’ update. 

It’s not easy, I am not a patient person, I want to be thin, instantly, and it doesn’t come off as quickly as it seemed to PACK on!!!

I have stopped drinking soda, altogether now.  I know from personal experience how much weight can be lost from simply refraining from soft drinks.  As a personal friend of kidney stones, I have weaned myself down to one per day.  In the midst of my kidney stone debacle, I found that flushing my system does (1)help with my digestion, (2)help curb my appetite and (3)actually energizes me.

However, I am also trying to stay away from my beloved cranberry juice….too much sugar.  If I have to have sugar, I am trying to stay with simple sugars, from fruits & vegetables, etc.  I am staying away from fast food.  I am making myself take my lunch to work every day.  I watch what I eat and I don’t let myself get really hungry.

I am only a week into it, so with the shock to my system that is withdrawal from caffenine, fast food and anything remotely bad for me, I have no energy at the end of the day.  I am exhausted.  So, exercising isn’t happening yet.  Not that the weather is cooperating at all.  It’s been downright balmy the past two days, which has helped the energy level, but throughout the week….sleepy, sleepy, sleepy. 

And it’s been hard, I did have a small breakdown earlier in the week, a sharp spike of stress, that resulted in Stephanie diving into Kathleen’s candy jar and letting a Hershey kiss melt in my mouth.  It was a little piece of heaven.  I justified it as I didn’t dive into a pack of cigarettes (which for some reason has been on my mind lately!) and I didn’t eat my weight in chocolate.  One kiss, and I was good. 

So, after a week, I have figured out, by not stopping for my morning Dr Pepper at McDonalds (they taste so much better carbonated!) I have cut out my morning sausage bisquit (kryponite for me) and in taking my lunch, I actually THINK about what I am putting in my body.  And that Hershey kiss?  well, I haven’t needed chocolate since then. 

I don’t think I have LOST any weight yet, but I am still comitted to seeing this through.  I am more aware of it now and I am more concious of how the long term effects of this will be.  I am doing it for me this time.

On another note, Les & I watched “How to Look Good Naked” with Carson Kressley and I must say, I love that man!  I want to be ok with my body shape and watch it as it changes.  I realized that I don’t own a floor length mirror.  That I don’t look at me from my shoulders down.  That I haven’t looked at myself in a long time…..

I plan to succeed.  Guess I need to get me a mirror, huh?

In the beginning…

Well, here I am, New Year’s Day, 2008, and my mind is racing with positive thoughts of well intentioned resolutions for this new year.  And yet, my resolve is shaky, at best.

See, my biggest resolution this year is to do something for me, for my kids, for my partner.  My resolution, numero uno, is to get in shape.  A healthy shape, to lose some of this mass I have aquired over the years.  I have a goal in mind, but it is my goal, and when I begin to see results, I may share the end goal, but for now, it’s to remain mine. 

My biggest fear is failure.  It has always mattered to me what people thought of me, not what I thought, but countless, even nameless others….and as I have gotten older, I have grown wiser.  I know that it’s not what anyone else thinks that matters, it should be what I think.  If I show them what to think, then that is what they see.

Growing up, I was the “skinny” one in my family.  My sister struggled her whole life with her weight as my mother has.  It was up to me, to be the little one, all gangly and awkward.  I grew up, staying thin, not understanding the other side of life.

At 20, I became pregnant with my daughter.  At that time, I was pretty much on my own, not a lot of parental advice going on in my world, the mother wasn’t there to “coach” me through my pregnancy.  I gained and I ate, in a cycle that didn’t stop for nine months.  When I went to the doctor, no one said anything about my weight, they measured me, the baby and made notes in their books.   Now, I am not trying to blame anyone, other than myself.  But damn, when a pregnant woman puts on 100 pounds, say something, tell her is isn’t going to have the waist of a 16 year old when she is done!  Tell her to put down the burrito!!!!

Being as I have at that point in my life isolated myself from friends and family to some degree, I didn’t have alot of people around to push me, to encourage me and support me in any weight loss “plan” that I had.  I had a husband who told me that I was fine, just as I was; and my dad and sister who would tell me how beautiful I was.  And I believe when I looked in the mirror, I saw something different.  It was my little rose colored bubble.  I was a NEW mommy, I was supposed to be fluffy.  I had an excuse of “it’s baby weight.”

Well, the “baby” is now almost 17 and the weight is omnipresent.  I have gained and lost over the years probably close to 300 pounds.  This is ridiculous.  However, I would not trade ONE OUNCE of it for either of my children.

I have seen what it can do to a persons health, I have watch my mother have her hip replaced THREE times and her knee replaced twice.  She has almost died from complications due to multiple surgeries and now lives with a strain of Staph that goes dormant within her body, but is never cured.

I have several friends who have had bypass surgery and all with varying results.  I am too scared of “going under” to have it done, for the loss of control while under anthesia – so I opt away from this.

I now joke about my weight, how I am in shape, that ROUND is a shape.  I deflect all compliments given to me and in the end, I don’t feel like I deserve it.  I have done this to myself, I got myself into this mess, I am gonna get myself out.

I will not treat my health as some secondary thought any longer.  I am going to take better care of myself, for my future.  I don’t want to be lying in a hospital bed with my kids worrying about my health when it’s too late for me to do anything about it.  I am going to be able to get down on the ground with my grandchildren and play.  I am going to get more active and not miss any more of life, simply because I don’t want to be the “fat lady” at the pool, amusement park, or in public. 

I figure if I can commit to no more smoking after 18 years of it, and quit cold turkey…..then I can do this.  I can get off my ass and move,  I can eat better, right? 

Wish me luck!