The Thing About Kendra…

Today is my girl Kendra’s birthday.  And of course, she gets her very own blog.  Actually, I woke up thinking, “Must tell Kenner Happy Birthday!” and then I just got to thinking about this person…who is every bit my sister yet, there isn’t a shred of DNA to be shared.

As seems to be my modus operandi, I am gonna tell you a few things about my friend.  I have done this before, as a “how to” list for her (as in a How To List to Keep Kendra Happy).  At last check, she still had it.  This time, I get to publish this list so we can ALL have it.

Let’s see.

1)  Kendra started as my next door neighbor.  And until fate and a TD Industries truck blocked her driveway we never met.  I remember peeking out the window on prom night watching them take pictures in their front yard.  Not like a creepy stalker…but as a mommy and wife, wanting to be younger and going to the prom again…*sigh*

I have yet to live down admitting THAT one to her…

2)  Kendra has a twin sister.  A fact that was pointed out to me by the Respondent without much more detail (this will be important momentarily).  So for two years, I live next door to the twins, usually only ever seeing Kendra and thinking she was BOTH twins. 

They are fraternal twins.  Look nothing alike.  NOTHING.  The Respondent didn’t mention that…so I just rolled with it.   Kendra worked at Eckerd’s…what do you think my dumbass would do…yup…walk into Eckerd’s, call her Kelly and not see that her name KENDRA was on her name tag and I was indeed the creepy stalker kind of chick that called her by her sister’s name.

I have yet to live that down either.

3)  Until the past 5 years, Kendra had never left Dallas.  Didn’t plan to live anywhere else.  Kendra didn’t CHANGE LANES….she has now lived in Germany, LEARNED GERMAN, travelled across Europe, Korea and Alabama.  This certain fact is probably the funniest, yet proudest singular fact I have on her…she did what I want to do.  Up and move.  And she adapted very well.

4)  The dog.  Meka.  It’s actually like a small child with hair and a tail and Kendra treats like the princess she is.  Meka is a pug, so by definition is too cute.  And spoiled.friggin.rotten!!!  I love this dog.  Meka was born in Germany (I think) so the damn dog is more travelled than I am.  What’s that?!?!?

5)  Kendra drives a Tahoe like a go-cart.  Which is funny, because 10 years ago, at Taco Bueno, we did a 472-point turn in a parking spot because Kendra would not drive out of the spot IN REVERSE.  And at the time…she drove a Mazda 626.  Think of the scene in Austin Powers where he gets the gator stuck in the hallway…that was this turn.  I have never laughed as hard as I did in that moment and she did it.  With me standing there, in shock and awe watching her.  That she drives a car that the Mazda would fit in…maybe it’s just me…but it’s funny!!!

I have yet to let her live this down…

6)  No one loves Kendra like my boy does.  She was his first girlfriend. She nicknamed him while he was still in utero and it’s stuck.  Peanut and Doodle.  Either/or.  At 18 months.  He would bat his eyes at her, smile coyly and flirt shamelessly.  To return the favor for Peanut and Doodle, Riley gave her the nickname that has stuck.  With the most precious sentence ever spoken by a baby.  “I lub you Kenner.”

7)  Very few are allowed to call her Kenner.  In fact, there’s maybe 4…TOTAL.  And if you call her Kenner and are not on the short list, she will very quickly tell you “You cannot call me Kenner.”  I know this for a fact as she did snarl this at someone in my presence with the most withering look, ever!  I think he cried.  Don’t call her Kenner unless you want to be emasculated in public.  Kenner is Riley’s name for her…deal with it.

8)  She eats weird.  Like getting a burrito and squeezing all the stuff out of it.  Or an egg roll…same thing.   She has explained this to me several times, but every time we Taco Bell or Bueno it, it amazes me.  It’s the funniest thing to watch.  She also did not eat crab legs until a few years ago when I cajoled her into trying them…she hasn’t looked back!!!

9)  Speaking of food, Kenner loves pancakes.  Few years ago, on my first day at a new job, I told my boss I was gonna be late, I had something to do before work.  What I had to do was break into my besties house and make her pancakes.  Last year, when we traveled to Houston to celebrate said birthday…we got pancakes.  Sadly this year, no pancakes on the birthday…but I do get to see her next weekend…so I may work some in. 

10)  Do not wear stinky patchouli base perfume around her.  She will tell you quickly and in certain words “You smell like Tobasco.  Don’t wear that again!”  I know this.  I was the tobasco wearer.  I now wear three scents that she approved of years ago.  I do not alter.  Her favorite Stephanie smell is Aqua Di Gio by Giorgio Armani.  I must always make sure to have that around.  And no Tobasco.

Kendra is soooo much more than my friend.  She is part of who I am.  Our friendship has shaped me and changed me over the years.  I think it’s for the better.  I shine more when my friend is around.  She makes me that happy!

She has seen me in my darkest hour and loved me through it.  She has fiercely protected me from myself and from others for 13 years.  She’s the go-to person when I need someone to make me see things from someone else’s view.    Kendra will set me straight (relative term) when I am wrong.  She will hold me up and make me strong when I don’t think I can do it any more.  I could not ask for a better friend.

We can live in different places, on different continental shelves, and still…she is my biggest ally.  My world is infintely better because she is in it.  I love this chick.  She’s good stuff!

Here’s to you Kendra, my gorgeous, loud, funny warrior of a friend.  We have been through so much and have only become stronger for it.  I am honored and blessed every day that you call me your best friend. 

Happy Birthday Kenner.  I lub you.

I now have the proof that I am not as young as I used to be.

you know…you really can’t relive your glory days, unless you have friends that will not let you forget them.

and oh, how I love my friends.  and digital cameras…and Facebook…

we are almost there, the house is 95% packed and the lease is signed.  We have utilities, satellite TV, and the UHaul all taken care of…

we decided it was time to party!!!  one last throw down before we leave the casa…

Tanner decided that it was the night to make sure I was right and intoxicated…it was her mission of sorts.  Mission accomplished.  I believe her battlecry was “I’m gonna get you drunk…”  yea!!!  Drunk Stephanie…because I am so not that person usually…

There was a time in my life that I could bounce back from a night of debauchery the next day.  There was a time when I wouldn’t remember such a night.

This was not one of those nights.  I can remember every detail of the evening.  If I can’t, I have many that can remind me.

A few notes…

Note #1…do not let me drink Bud Light Lime.  Or Miller Chill.  Or anything with a lime taste to it.   This leads to sharpening of my gag reflex skills and I don’t like that.

Note #2…do not dare me to pants someone.  Sorry Tanner. 

Note #3…don’t dare me.  period.

Note #4…you are now forewarned…as I am a kissy kind of person (yeah…Ima kisser)…if you feed me alcohol, I will become a kissy drunk person.  do so at your own risk.

Note #5…do not expect my water volleyball skills to improve with each beer…they do not.

Note #6…do not leave your camera laying around or you will get lots of random, white out, blurry or too dark pictures of my face, my nose, my eyelid, my hairline or whatever else I am aiming at.    Again, sorry Tanner.

Note #7…if you post said pictures and link them to me…I am not going to be a happy recovering person…

Note #8…my beer goggles are magical…not only will they make everyone pretty…they will make me smarter, you smarter and they will render me hard of hearing.  (apparently I did not hear conversations that were directed AT ME!!!!)

Note #9…do not ask me for advice while I am drinking…even a little bit…as my advice will cause you to do things you will hold against me for the forseeable future. 

Yes…we had fun.  apparently, I had WAY alot of fun…and I don’t think I have a friend left that I haven’t kissed…which can be awkward…or not…depending on the friend…

it’s a good thing I have me an understanding girlfriend.  Because she hasn’t quit laughing at me yet.

and it took me 2 days to feel right…

 

*sigh*…I am not as young as I used to be.

it’s like a roller coaster.

Today is sooo much better than the last few. 

I have found that I have some really great friends.  I mean, I knew that I had great friends, but for someone who knows me to take one look at me, grab my arm, without saying a word, I knew you were in my corner.  When you looked me in the eyes and said “Whatever you need, we are gonna help you.”  I believed it.

holy shit…for me?  really?

gotta tell you, it feels good.  being in the middle of this.  knowing that someone out there, someone totally unexpected has my back.  someone that I never thought would be that kind of friend to me, with one look, with one sentence, became THAT friend to me this weekend.

to you, I say, thank you.

to you, I say, your words helped me through the end of a hellish week and help restore my calm and my sanity.

You have been in my life for as long as I can remember, and I am even more glad now, that you have been.  I look forward to more time with you and yours and the new memories and history that this friendship is gonna provide.

Plus, I adore your other half.  I haven’t met a person that rocks like she does in a long time…and your girl…yeah…she rocks!!!

thank you!  for the spoken and the unspoken.

If it peels, do I lose my tan?

ahhhh….I haven’t decided what’s better, the actual vacation or the first smell of home when you walk in the door.

oh, who am I fooling?  The VACATION is always better, right?

Let’s hit the highlights, then we shall delve deeper, m-kay?

1)  There are LOTS of jellyfish in the ocean

2)  Jellyfish will sting you.

3)  It hurts when a jellyfish stings you.

4)  No two people parent their children the same way.

5)  NEVER travel with folks who have unresolved issues.

6)  Always bring enough panties.

7)  Don’t travel for a birthday.  It is an underwhelming experience.

8)  The differences between an 18 year old, a 10 year old and a  5 year old are drastically magnified after an 8 hour car ride.

9)  Take long walks on beaches.  Build sandcastles.  Look at shells.

10) Drama doesn’t take vacations.

Let me say, I am glad I took this vacation.  I am glad that I went with everyone that I did.  It has taught me many things. 

We stayed in an AMAZING condo right on the beach on Mustang Island.  We have been staying at the same place for the past 13 years and have always had a wonderful time.  This year was not an exception.  Most of the time.

The room was fantastic and I will make sure to request it again, as I am already making reservations for next year.  I love going to the beach, feeling the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt in the air and the rapid slow down that I feel as I step one foot, then two feet into the warm, loose sand.  ahhhhhh…..

Now I promised a blog about the experience of traveling with the whole family, the bestie and the “foster” daughter.  Well, let’s just say, I probably built this trip WAY up in my mind, that we were all going to re-discover our close connections and that happiness was just going to abound.

yeah….I set myself up.

So I am going to say this, as this is my blog and I can air out what I feel, how I feel and when I feel it, because, well, I can…

I had a good time.  I could have had a better time if certain people had just left their bullshit at home for the duration of the trip.  It’s not like I ask for a lot of anything.  I asked for manners.  I asked for respect.  I asked you to shut up and not drag the ENTIRE group into your bullshit. 

We had good days, but there wasn’t a single, solitary day that didn’t have a degree of bullshit to it.  Somehow, someway, I spent at least 30 minutes of my vacation dealing with multiple personalities, passive agressive behavior, ill manners, stomping around, crying and accusations.

And this was from the adults. 

The kids, well, they are kids…they fart, burp, say inappropriate things, but they are kids.  I will 100% take responsibility for my two, for their actions, for their manners.  Others need to do the same. 

This was not just your vacation.  Any of you that I am thinking of as I am typing this…not helping, not “pitching in”, taking advantage of my not wanting to cause conflict…well, here is your comeuppance. 

You pissed me off.  And now, you will know…

Not helping with the meals, not helping with the dishes, or picking up the wet towels…it’s rude and lazy.  Expecting that some Condo Fairy was going to pick up after your lazy asses was the wrong assumption.  It was me.  You’re welcome.  And your attempts at “helping” as in “I did the dishes once…”  (There were five days, count ‘em!) well, they were just as lazy as if you sat there watching me do it from your cozy chair, couch, bed, etc. 

And deciding every fucking day needed to have a dose of soap opera…that wasn’t necessary.  I Tivo’d General Hospital the whole week…I didn’t need the live action version.  But the screaming at me on my birthday was an awesome present…especially since I wasn’t out of bed yet.

So no…there probably won’t be anymore vacations like this.  Sorry.  I don’t shell out the money I do so I can have the same conversations with folks everyday…no one had an outstanding time.  And it wasn’t all one person that acted up…there were several. 

I find that it’s ironic…the children were at times MUCH more well behaved than the adults.  I can’t imagine what we are teaching them.

blech….

On a more positive note, I have walked away with a rockin’ tan…I look like a coffee bean.  Not as coffee bean as the niece…I swear, I could actually sit and watch her as she tanned…not burned like the rest of us…but just browned up…

The look on the son’s face will carry me through.  From our bodysurfing together, to our walks on the beach, to watching him catch fish and crabs and shrimp.  That shining face, his eyes lit up…made me happier than I can explain.

…as will the sound of laughter as my daughter dropped her cool facade and just became my girl…for a week…her laugh and smile is burned in my memory.

I have not had as much fun looking for shells as I did with my niece…she was fascinated with everyone of them that I put in her hands and I loved building the sandcastle with her and the son…I think it was the best part of my trip…just me, the niece, the son and the sister…in the evening shade, building a sandcastle. 

That the bestie and the daughter thought it would be fun to destroy later that night.  grrr…..

If I could take all the awesome parts of the trip, throw out the ugly moments, we would have a day left…we wasted too much time on the score keeping, the hurt feelings, the menutiae….we got bogged down in bullshit. 

and that makes me infintely sad.

I think I am going to go check on my sunburn, look at the pictures I took (a joy from my dad…I am in few, because I am behind the camera) and remember the fun times…and let go of the bad ones.

I hope the others can follow my lead.

I’m a Ramblin’ (Wo)Man…

Well, we have gotten to the point that we are counting hours until vacation time.  Meaning, the son, has been counting down hours for the past 7 days…

“It’s only 168 hours, 167 hours 166 hours until we leave, right mom?”

whoo-whee, I need this vacation.  we skipped a vacation last year because with gas at $4.69 a gallon, driving to work was a vacation! 

so, summer is here (well technically, in 4 days) and I am mindful that summer is both a blessing and the bane of my existence.

The kids have a pool, DVD players, XBox, computers, Playstations, PSP and Nintendo DS’s.  Did I mention they HAVE A POOL? 

They have basketball, skateboards, bicycles, games, books, legos and a park ACROSS THE STREET…

and they are bored….

well, the son is…the daughter is a party animal and doesn’t come home except to sleep and shower.  Not really, kinda….she works all day, then it’s play time.  So I have seen her a total of about 40 minutes since graduation.

This vacation will trap her in a car with me for 8 hours.  And then in a condo for 6 days….except when we are on the beach.

Now, we all know how the daughter and I are like gasoline and a match in the car…but we have two others riding with us that are a buffer.  And Whirly has gotten me some Tylenol PM, so I will knock myself out and sleep most of the way…I hope.  It would be a real pisser to start a vacation fighting for control of the radio.

This is the first vacation in THIRTY years that my sister, my mom and I have all been on together.  Last time was S. Padre Island when I was nine.  We had a blast.  Well, the sister and I did….chasing sand crabs across our mommy’s feet!  She didn’t seem to appreciate this as much as we did.

We’ve decided to pack up the daughter, the son, the daughter’s bestie (and my favorite friend), the mother, the sister, the niece and one of my besties Tanner…

this should make for a glorious trip.  We will either all love each other or hate each other by the time we get back. 

I sure hope it doesn’t turn into some weird episode of Survivor and we start voting people off.  Because there’s only three cars and someone is gonna get left behind.

Wish me luck.

To a “T”…

You may have noticed, I have moved a couple of posts over…further, I have added a new category for my world views…”It’s Her World, I Just Live In It.”

I went to school with this chick…she was THAT chick…the one that always had some smartass answer to EVERYTHING, and it just sounded cool.  She was friends with everyone, geeks, burners, jocks, cheerleaders, nerds…all of ‘em….

except me.  jerk.

Fast forward twenty years and the advent of MySpace…we become MySpace “buddies.”  Online friends.  With a shared history.  And then I notice, in her “status updates” she’s having a hard time with something.  I don’t know what it is, but it’s ongoing for several days.  Something in me says “reach out to her, she may need a friend.”  So I do, and she did.

But so.did.I.

Now, two years later, we at times, share a brain.  We can finish each other’s sentences and can read each other’s minds.  She can tell if I am having a bad day with one sentence on IM or my lack of logging in to IM…and I can tell when she’s down, by what she DOESN’T say…

Yup…Tanner is (as I’mNotBenny would say) made of Awesome.  I have a small circle of friends, that I depend on.  And she fits this crew.  The only thing that worries me is when Tanner and Kenner decide to gang up on me…it hasn’t happened yet…but God help me when they do.  Cause no one knows me like my Kenner…and Tanner is willing to bribe folks.

Everyone has that one friend that the WEIRDEST shit in the world happens to them.  Tanner is that friend for me. 

Tanner dates crazy.  I mean, they aren’t crazy when she starts dating them, but they end up that way.  I am convinced that she exudes some sort of musk that is like catnip, but I cannot confirm it.  I have threatened to take her to the vet and have her scent gland removed.  But she’s squirmy and I can’t get a grip.

Tanner has crazy animals.  Not just dogs…but wildlife.  seriously…check the blog.  This chick has possums in her bed.  It’s not normal that a person have to check in their bed for rabid animals before they climb in, unless they have just bought them dinner…

But the dogs, good God, the dogs.  Destiny is pretty chill…she’s learned to roll with the punches and dip, dive, dodge and dip the crazy.  But Dakota, aka Satan, aka Sybil, aka Fucker…she is insane.  AND HUGE.  I compare it much to having 8 new babies at home, demanding attention in every waking moment.  I am deaf in my right ear, because when we talk, a 15 minute conversation consists of “Hello” and 14.45 minutes of “STOP IT!!!!  Get  DOWN!!!  STOP IT!!! FUCKER!!!”  yeah…good times.

And Tanner hates the phone, well….with the exception of text messages, picture texts and phone sex, none of which I choose to share with her…but that means, my phone calls go unanswered.  Thank goodness I am not lying in a ditch or stranded with no gas.  Cause unless I text her or send her a picture of my broke down ass…I am SOL.

Tanner life.  You can’t make it up.  Truly.  However, it is purely fuel for my blog fire.  Because with every new story, my imagination runs completely amok…

yeah, it’s her world, I just live in it.  Enjoy.

Today is a new day…

There is pain, suffering, loss and guilt enough to last many lifetimes over, it can swallow me whole and I can dwell on so many of the negatives each day, that I run out of words.  I could run out of hope.  But then, the bad, negative things win…

I can’t let that happen, not now…not today…

I have decided, in about the last 45 seconds that today is going to be a good day.

I may not have a comma in my bank account…but it’s a good day.

I may not have a college education to further my career…but it’s a good day.

I may not have the girlish figure that I dreamed of…but it’s a good day.

Why?

I have my faith.  I have my family.  And I have my friends. 

And I shall rejoice in the knowledge that today is a gift.  That my faith surrounds me, comforts me, holds me fast and is constant. 

That my family is here, now, in this moment with me.  And are a blessing to me.

That my friends love me, as I love them and they are each an integral force in my life that helps me take every step. 

I am here, now, in this moment.  And for that, I am grateful.

For that, I am joyful.

State of the Union, Stephanie Style.

Well, here we are again, at the end of another year…a time of reflection.  And since I will be uber-busy tomorrow, I won’t have time to think, much less post my thoughts.

 

My thoughts run wild and rampant tonight and there are so many things to say, things I feel and yet, most I keep to myself, as it’s my way.  But there are some I want to share, there are people that I want to recognize, as they have affected my life this year, in ways I never expected.

 

First and foremost, I want to mention I could not, would not, have made it through this year without my faith in the Lord Above.  I have relied on Him and tested Him in ways that would confound even, well, Him; I have floated on my faith and been carried through some truly rough times, I questioned His wisdom occasionally and I fell…but only far enough to learn the lesson and pull myself back up.  I never ONCE felt He left my side.  I could only hope for this kind of blind faith in Him, in SOMETHING for everyone I know.  It’s a peaceful, calming feeling…knowing that I am not alone, even in my darkest times.  Amen!

 

Now…let’s get this party started…

 

To say me and my folks, friends and family alike, have had a roller coaster of a year, is a complete and utter understatement.  It’s been one hell of a ride!

 

Let it also be understood, I am not intentionally leaving you out of my blog for any reason other than well…the mind is a terrible thing to waste and most days, I don’t have the capacity to put two thoughts together logically.  I am POSITIVE I am leaving folks out…

 

Here’s to THAT friend…the one that never lets me forget who I am, and who I can be.  Kenner has been my warrior and my sounding board.  When I have a problem, she is the first person I run to…aside from those inside my four walls…I can’t thank you enough for your never-ending faith, trust, love and honor.  It’s truly in those quiet times that I realize just how much you are a part of my soul.  My best friend…my sister of choice…

 

Here’s to the two that honestly have been handed more lemons than any two people I know and have continuously made lemonade. For Shae and Phyllis…in my lifetime, I have never, NEVER met two people that had a more positive outlook on EVERYTHING.  It’s almost nauseating…

      

For Shae…she has made her own choices and NOT listened to her big sissy…and we ALL know how that NEVER works…yet…when the chips were down, I was the first person she call to be there for her.  And her strength amazes me.  Always amazes me.  Our relationship has changed again this year and I see her as something I have never seen her as.  An adult.  Well done baby sister.  Well done.

 

For Phyllis…my Sweet P…the Grace of God has seen her through the passing of her father and her aunt with an amazing strength.  It has seen her through the toughest part of a relationship and made her more compassionate than I thought one human could be.  He saw her through a horrific car accident that could have taken her from me…and for that, I believe that Phyllis has a higher purpose here.  Phyllis, my life is sweeter because of you.  I am so glad you are here.

 

For the friend from a lifetime ago, Tanner; I don’t think that had we “hung out” in high school we would be where we are today.  And for that, I am so grateful that it took twenty years for our friendship to blossom.  Your laugh brightens my day and you have shown me that new old friends are sometimes the best ones to have.  You showed me just how good a friend you are and you never even knew you did it.    I am forever grateful you are in my corner.  You are golden, Tanner…there aren’t many like you.

 

For my mother…good God…I do not know where to start with this woman…she has knocked on deaths door more times than should be allowed and I have to say…for the first time in at least 9 years…we went a FULL YEAR with no HOSPITAL visit…did you realize that???  I have tested my mom…her patience, her sanity, her temper, time after time after time…and through it all…she reminded me what it’s like to be a mom.  Not the PERFECT mom, by my mom…thank you…I don’t know how else to say it.  Thank. You.

 

My little Lilleebutt…the pride of the clan…you are so much like your Aunt Stephie, it is unreal!!! I will promise to protect you from the dumb boys that will make you cry and to be there when mean mommy grounds you for sneaking out, talking back, missing curfew (I said she was like me!!!).  I will have your mommy’s back, but I remember what a turd she was way back when and I am the one to regale you with these stories.  Never lose that gleam in your eye…that laugh in your smile and that sass in your step…you little one…make my life merrier.

 

Then there’s the fam damily…

 

Oh, the son…the youngest of this clan.  The only testosterone in this House of Estrogen; poor thing.  He is picked on, pushed around, loved and cherished.  Through it all, he loves it.  We all want the best for this little man.  My brave one.  He is my whistler in the morning and my smile at night.  The boy will grow into the man he is terrified to be before I know it and I already mourn the fact that sooner rather than later…he will be my baby boy no more.  My world in infinitely better because of you!

 

Ah…the daughter.  I have raged, cried, boasted and laughed at her, with her and because of her.  She is the whole reason I am a mommy and it hurts my heart to know that she is on the threshold of adulthood and my role in her life, the one that is influx right now, will be changing, permanently so very soon.  She is my touchstone.  My fiercest protector and my biggest fan.  She is gorgeous, loud, brazen and demanding…just who I wish I could be.  You are my breath and reason for living.  You make it better, just with that 1,000 watt smile of yours.  Thank you for allowing me to watch the show…

 

My Whirly Girl…I have never loved another with the ferocity that I love you.  I can’t say it any simpler than that.  You make me brighter, happier and better than I could be without you.  You are what was missing from me.  And with four small words, made all my dreams come true. 

 

Whew…almost done…you still with me?

 

Here’s to the friend of long distance…the one that I crave to get back to.  I will, when the time is right…you have stayed in my life for this long and I have treasured our friendship for as long as I can remember.  You are my support from afar and I feel smarter just knowing you. Thank you for stickin’ around!

 

Here’s to the unnamed, yet never forgotten people.  You have come into or out of my life for a reason.  You have shown me that strength, laughter, the best and the worst.  I wish only that you continue to get everything in life that you deserve and desire.  We will never be far apart and I am merely a phone call away.

 

Here’s to the support for the blog surfers that read what I put out here…You have re-ignited a passion in me that makes me WANT to write more.  It’s inspired a long lost dream. That you read it, comment on it and support me…fuels my ambitions and makes me want to be so much more creative.  Thank you for helping me in ways you may never understand.  It’s an honor to be a part of this “blog-o-sphere family.”

 

Lastly, here’s to me…yes.  me…I have put so many in front of me that I forgot that I can take care of no one if I don’t care for me first.  I have only resolution in the coming year.  It’s not for a smaller waist or lower number on the scale.  It’s not more money or a better job or to even win the lottery…its one simple sentence.

 

I resolve to put me first. 

 

So, so long 2008; you have been quite a year.  You have shown me the best and worst in folks and that I have a faith and a strength that I never knew I could muster. 

 

I wish you well…

 

Hello…2009…buckle up!!!

A call to arms…and legs…

(I have found that most of what I post on MySpace, I actually move here as well, this was a funny I did for a friend today and thought I would share…she’s one of my besties and it made both of us laugh for a very long time!!!  If you have read over there, then my apologies, but it’s my blog and I can steal my own material if I want!!!!)

 Current mood: bouncy

 

WANTED:

 

A GIRLFRIEND.

 

This said Wing(Wo)Man, Stephanie, is needing to help Local Stud find some tantalizing company.

 

 Requirements being:

v     You must be breathing

v     You must over 21.

v     You must have girl bits.

v     You must have a job.

v     That pays.…

v     You must be able to cut your own meat.

v     You must fish.

v     You must be able to walk and chew gum at the same time.

v    You must be hygienically sound.

v    You must adore her bestie Wing (Wo)Man!

 

 

Do NOT even think about applying if:

v     You have boy bits.  (This girl is gay!)

v     You have not been single more than 30 minutes. 

v     You are not sure of your sexuality.  (She is up for a challenge, but you better know what you are in for!)

v     You are clingy, needy, bi-polar, butchy, or dramatic. 

v     You have crazy friends.

v    You have bad breath.

 

  

You must first complete the application process with said Wing (Wo)Man, you must pass the security check, the credit check, the crazy check, physical and there will be a probationary period.  Bribes and boobies are accepted and encouraged.

 

 

You will not get past Wing (Wo)Man if you break crazy, threaten me,  show up at my home uninvited, camp in my yard, camp in her yard, drunk dial me, or stalk me and my friends on MySpace, Facebook or the WorldWideWeb.

 

If you do not get past Wing (Wo)Man, do not despair, there is someone more deserving of your talents than my friend.    They are called boys.

 

 

The Local Stud is looking for a good woman who:

 

v     Will fish. 

v     Likes to be naked. 

v     Or Nekkid.

v     Sometimes while fishing.

v     Will be funny.

v     And creative.

v     And flexible.  Very flexible.

v     Likes to nibble.

v     Enjoys a comfy futon, now and then…

v     Will not date more than one person per day.  Per week…

v     Will not forget her name and call her another.

v     Will not mind multiple …..showers….

v     Will give the proper amount of attention to Friend, at a moments notice.

v    Will give me a damn day off from the needy bitch!!!  (hey! I get something out of this too!!!)

 

 

Benefits to include:

    v     The opportunity to meet said Stud

v     Dates with, well, a Stud

v     Showers (Water, Gems, etc.)

v     Great new friends

v     Serenades from a Karaoke Machine

v     Making out with, well, a Stud

v     Exotic locales (think Lake Ray Hubbard)

v     Luxury Transportation (think Jeep)

v     And you get to hang with, well, a Stud

 

 

(As we live in Texas, there is no major medical, 401K, life insurance or paid holidays provided.  Sorry…Thank the Republicans for that one!!!)

 

You do not have to have your own Freak Flag, one will be provided.

 

 

 

The Local Stud is an equal opportunity dater.  She welcomes all shapes, sizes and styles. 

  

Please inquire within…

 

 

 

Is this ok Tanner?

I find amusement in all things small…

I can laugh at the most ridiculous things sometimes.

Like the fact that one of my new long lost, on her way to being a bestie, friends pictures sits in the yearbook our senior year across the seam from mine.

So in the right direction…we look like peas and carrots in the yearbook…like it was destined for us to become awesome friends.  And it took another long lost on her way friend to point it out…

Yeah, the only thing that sucks about the whole thing….my picture…I cut my damn bangs the night before graduation pictures were taken.  NEVER do that.

Especially when you mom is a hair stylist that owns her own salon….

I never claimed to be brilliant.  I claimed to be a control freak…even we get it wrong some days…

sometimes….new old friends are the ones that make the day better.  Especially with IM….