I don’t know how to start this post, I don’t have grand words, or an awesome “lead up” to the main event, so I guess I am gonna jump in with both feet and hope it ends up being something you can follow…
I am not what you would ever truly call a nice person. Well, some can. I am controlling, I am at times rigid, I am brutally honest and I am probably much more selfish than I wish I was.
But in the past year, I have known two people very close to me that have lost loved ones to breast cancer. And I hurt for them, for their loved ones and I felt helpless. Helpless pisses me off.
Whirly Girl lost her cousin Dianna Waters to breast cancer in January, 2008. She bravely fought her battle for a year with her family and friends supporting her and loving her. It hurt me to watch Leslie, in Texas, work against her guilt for not being there for her family, getting updates through Dianna’s CaringBridge journal and from family. I hurt for Dianna’s family and knowing that this disease was a nasty beast that wasn’t playing fair.
The next one being Pat Tomerlin. My friend, Darren, who is more of a brother to me, married Chaney, Pat’s daughter. I have known Darren and Chaney for 12 years and would do most anything for them. I consider them family. Pat was diagnosed in March and passed away in May, of 2009. Just two months later. I watched Chaney go through this through updates to her Facebook page and phone calls to Darren. As helpless as I felt, I just wanted to grab Chaney, hold her close and make the hurt go away. I couldn’t and I learned of just how much strength a daughter can have, when faced with comforting a loved one through your own pain. Chaney was graceful and strong when she didn’t think she could be and I am in awe of her.
These women fought the good fight. And they have their reward in heaven…which I am more grateful for than I can put into words.
These two women are part of a growing group of people who have had won, lost and are waging a battle within themselves. The enemy isn’t someone they can look at and hate, the enemy is in them…and it angers me to no end that we can’t find a cure for this. That we are at the top of the food chain and this small mutating cell can knock us on our ass.
I didn’t actually know either of them, but they were mothers, daughter, sisters, grandmothers, friends, neighbors to many and knowing that, I feel a little bit of the loss. They were just like me, like your mom, your sister, your friend or co-worker. And that blows my mind.
I don’t do long term illness well, nor the comforting part. I don’t handle death real well and never know the right words to say or the comforting thing to do. And I hate the awkwardness that I feel, because I can’t control the universe and I get pissy.
I had decided I need to snap myself out of it. My funk that has been clinging to me lately and decided a new ‘do would be just the answer…so I begin, looking for that stylish ‘do to make it all better! I look at hundreds of photos and can’t find anything that I think will look nice with my FAT face so in my frustration I decide “Off with it ALL!!!”
And it hits me…
Cut it short, Steph…cut it and donate it to Locks of Love. You are worried about how fat you will look with short hair, and these folks HAVE NO HAIR….see….SELFISH!!!!
So, I go to LocksofLove.org, and start reading. I realize it’s for kids and my stone of a heart melts a little. I was thinking of adults. Hell, not KIDS….
And right then, I decided, I don’t care if I look like I have a watermelon on my shoulders, I am doing this. For them, for me, for a tiny little victory in this horrible battle.
So I did it…as you will see below…it’s gone.
My heart still hurts for Dianna, for Whirly, for Pat and for Chaney. but it swells, just a little…
In honor of Dianna Waters and Leslie Moore.
In honor of Pat Tomerlin and Chaney Reames.
I am humble, from my soul, I am sorry for your loss.
