It’s twilight time, I feel quiet….

It’s been a rough week folks, I have not been feeling it.  More of a roller coaster, if you will.  I have gone from happy to relieved, to sad, to irrate, to bewilered, to being in ABSOLUTE friggin pain!!!

After an eventful weekend that resulted in me playing successful matchmaker and alternately vomit cleaner-upper (thanks Ceasar!), I was actually looking forward to the week.  Uh-oh….

The week started with relief of sorts, answered prayers.  My faith continues to be restored on a daily basis and I depend on it, so this is ’bout the best thing that happened….

I have some friends going through a rough patch.  I know how they love each other, but all I want to do is fix it and this isn’t my battle.  I know it’s not and I am supportive of both.  I see both sides.  I have been on both sides.  Most days, I want to tell them “Knock this shit off!  Either fix it or finish it!”  But I love them so, I just listen, make my remarks and listen some more.  I want resolution to this, as much as they do, probably more so, I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

By the end of this weekend, I will have two friends that their daddies will have passed away.  And I am so sad about this.  As a Self Professed Daddy’s Girl, I know the importance of a daddy.  I miss mine so much, that today, it seems unbearable.  I want to see my dad, crawl in his arms and hear “It’s ok baby.  We are all better now.”  This makes my heart hurt and my eyes sting with tears!

The daughter and I got crossed up this week and it resulted in her being ground FROM the house.  I banned her for the night.  I just could not take another night of the drama and the back talk, so as soon as I knew where she would be, that she would be safe and the mommy was ok with it….out she went.  It only took one night, then things leveled out.  She thinks I blow at the smallest things, I had to explain that it’s the small things I blow about….are the breaking point, that there are a thousand before it that I let ride.

This was all tabled when we found out that the son’s brand new PSP was stolen by a “friend.”  This kid has been at my house week in and week out for over a year.  He’s several years older than the son and I have to watch them as he doesn’t lead my boy down the wrong path, but we have a pool…so the son is popular…go figure.  ANYWAY….the PSP was in the boy’s room (I had just put it there) when the friend arrived, when he left, the son got ready for his overnight trip to gramma’s and voila!!! NO PSP.  So we called the “friend” who amazingly DIDN”T have it….hmmmm…..so I called the next day, to see if he has wised up…nope.  “Oh, ok, well thank you, I will contact the police now and see about filing a report for insurance.  Thank you again for looking!”  Now, he doesn’t know that I have recently found that I have “family” on the force.

Well, the son came home yesterday from the shopping explosion of gramma’s to find his PSP….SITTING OUTSIDE THE BACK GATE!!!!!!  Now, the alley is torn to shreds for new water lines, so we aren’t parking back there and we don’t go out there very often.  The son went to see if he could use the gate and saw it!!! 

People just suck sometimes….this “friend”?  BANNED from the house.  The son was pissed!!!!  He doesn’t understand why his friend did this, and I can’t seem to find a logical explanation why his buddy stole his birthday present.  bastard!

this on top of yet another round of kidney stones for this lady…..it would be my fourth and it lands me out of commission for at minimum, 2-3 days with my back in spasms.  Urgh!!!  By my whirly girl, bless her heart….what a trooper, taking care of me.  She loves me, even when I am in a ball, bawling my eyes out because trust whoever tells you….kidney stones feel like labor.  REALLY and truly….

It’s been cool today; and rainy.  I don’t have anything planned for this weekend.  I am going to be there with my friends, in thought and prayer. 

In the twilight, in the quiet….I will pray for peace.

I have to praise….

I have been in a deep dark place lately.  I have to a certain extent cut myself off from life, kind of sitting back, not making any decisions, hoping and doing a LOT of praying.

I was in a “Poor Me”  life is so hard place and started reading through several of my posts.  And I realized that when I quit worrying about it, when I realize that it will all work out, when I lean on my faith…I see results. 

I have been hit with several instances over the past few days of….”you could always have it worse.”

You know that feeling, when you look at someone who has less than you, that works twice as hard as you do and yet, they smile.  I wonder if they are thinking “You could always have it worse.”

I am ashamed at the amount of self pity I wallow in, but I am allowed from time to time.  I can get the woe-is-me-blues, just like anyone else.

I have in the past few months have been blessed with making some really great new friends.  Not really NEW friends, I have been around them for months and years, just superficially.  But I have reached out to these folks and they are REALLY great!  I enjoy spending time with them and I look forward to each opportunity I have to be around them.  They have blended in with my existing friends and made the connections that will enable all of us to be this group of people that just enjoy each others company.  And these people I can talk to about my family, my job, my faith.  We all share these amazing ties….it’s a small world.

My daughter is maturing and is currently having these moments of “WOW!” you know, those moments when she isn’t such a teenager and I get a glimpse of the adult daughter of mine.  It’s breathtaking and scary.  Don’t get me wrong, she is typical teenager 98% of the time so for that 98% percent of the time, I am wrong.

I met a woman this weekend that came from Houston for my party with my best girl.  This woman, is quite a bit younger than me and in talking to her, briefly about her job and life in Houston, made me (1) really like her and (2) impressed me beyond belief.  She is pediatric home nurse.  She takes on children who, as she said, “Got a rotten lot in life,” and she loves her job!  Now, to me, this job is reserved for those who have years of experience, that are jaded and have seen stuff.  She’s young.  She loves it and loves that these children who are handicapped, just don’t know any different.  I bet the don’t say “You could always have it worse.”  And damnit, she volunteers with OTHER kids on a basketball team.  And I don’t think she doesn’t know how to NOT smile.    I can say, when I first heard her talk about the job and the kids, I felt small….

I got to see the best girl over the weekend.  I cannot tell you how much I miss her when she isn’t around.  How much I depend on her friendship.  She is so much more to me than just a friend, she is part of my heart.  She just gets me.  In that big way.  I can’t pull bullshit on her and I would not even think to try.  I want her to live back in Dallas, so I can see her the way I used to.  But I know her life is in Houston now and for some reason, it doesn’t scare me that it will put distance between us.  She’s moved to Germany and I felt close to her even then, and she was on a completely different continental shelf!!!  She’s just THAT friend….she just knows me.  And still, loves me!  Yup, Kenner is my soldier. 

So my finances have been a roller coaster throughout the summer.  I look forward to the cooler climate, the easing of the days.   And when I came to work this morning, I found that I had received a “gift” in my account that I had prayed for.  And it will make it easier.  Not a CURE ALL.  But a breath.  And that is all I needed.  

I realized in working on this post, that last night, I didn’t worry about it.  I didn’t think about the “what-ifs” and I put my feet to my faith and I just did what I talk about.  I gave it up.  

I gave it up in the form of NOT sitting on the couch, running it through my mind over and over.  I gave it up in the form of cleaning out the linen closet and letting my OCD run wild.  I matched pillowcases to sheets, folded the extra bathing suits we keep on hand and organized the umpteen backpacks in the floor.  ah…..nice and orderly…just what a control freak like me wants to see.  I thought of sleeping in front of it with the light on, just to gaze at it’s wonderment.  ‘Cause it won’t be long before it is blown apart again….kids, man, kids….

I talk about it, relying on my faith.  And I DO.  Always.  But being the control freak that I am….I will want to control to the exact minute when and where and how I receive my blessings.  Folks, I can’t do that.  I imagine that He is just like one of my kids in that moment…”Oh, no….you aren’t gonna tell ME what to do.”  And just like that….I have to learn patience.

So, I have to praise answered prayers.  I need to remember the answered prayers are the new friends that cross my path.  They are the role models that don’t know they are.  They are the children that show you the future.  They are the clean linen closet.  They are staring right in your face, just when you need to see them. 

 They are carried on breath.

I am my own undoing….

Its been awhile since I have been out in the blogosphere; I could say I have been too busy, I could say I haven’t had anything to say….

I would be lying.  I don’t lie.

I haven’t been out here for one simple, stunning reason….I am in a FUNKY, dark place.  And.it.sucks.

I have found that writing is cathartic.  I can purge, I can be quippy, sarcastic, sad, angry, happy, blessed and blank.  And I have found an audience that supports me all the way.  Well audience….buckle up.

I alternately love and hate the summer.  I love it, for all the freedom it brings, the warmth, the time outside.  I hate it for all the added stress it brings to me financially.  Point blank simple – summer will damn near bankrupt me.  Every time.

I am proud of the job I have, I depend on it.  It keeps me afloat.  And 9 months out of the year, it provides enough to provide food, shelter and well being for my family.  Now, the Whirly Girl is fiscally able to help as well, but she has her own bills she has to pay and I need to be responsible for mine, right?  So I make enough to make ends meet.  It gets tight, but I manage.  There isn’t anything left for debt repair or saving for my retirement or college….but the Respondent doesn’t do anything to help.  Zero, nada, zip….

With gas being $4.00 freakin dollars a gallon until the past 9 days….I have to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Car payments are late, rent hits the deadline that the landlord is willing to give, the utilities are a month past due.  It’s the way of my summer.  It gets caught up come fall but I stress through it all.  And until this post, I haven’t really been out there about it.  I figure, it’s time that I just get honest, right?

Oprah isn’t helping me.  Bill Gates isn’t sending my kids to college.  Publisher’s Clearing House isn’t knockin’ on my front door.  It’s on me and the Whirly Girl.

See, the kids are out of school.  So, there is the added expense of utilities, food, entertainment in general.  Well, add to that the friends.  These aren’t standard issue friends, these kids are like locusts.  I don’t imagine many of them have food at home.  They come in, lay around and graze.

Utilities in Texas are high anyway and with it being as hot as the 7th circle of hell lately, my a/c runs 24/7 and is set at 80!!!  Luckily, we have a ceiling fan in every room, we keep the blinds drawn and we run around in shorts, so we are comfortable, but the electric bill will hit $450 per month before September!  And I am on average billing.  

I so wanted to take my kids on vacation this summer, but I could not do it.  And it kills me.  I have taken them on a vacation every summer since me and the Respondent divorced and I feel like a failure.  We have had get togethers here, we have done movies and dinner and fun stuff, but we didn’t leave here as a family and go anywhere. 

I feel like I am on the hook for everything.  I can see in my daughter’s eyes when I let her down.  Everytime.  Most of the time, I can hear it in her voice.  It’s the one colossal thing that will bring tears to my eyes and hurt my stone heart….that I have let my kids down.

Tonight, we had another one of our conversations “You said you would do this.”  I get it, daughter.  I do.  I know what I say, I sometimes thing you embelish it, but I have the best of intentions when I make statements.  I will do everything that I will tell you I am doing, but I may have to rearrange.  See, I told her I would pay to get her industrial ear piercing redone.  She lost the earring-bar thingy that goes in it, so I said I would take care of it.  I didn’t expect when I said it, that it had a time limit.  And now, she wants it RIGHT NOW and to be honest, that $30 extra may be gas money.  But how to I tell my child that in a way she doesn’t worry about our finances? 

I got a call from our bank last night.  The daughter has overdrawn her account again.  This is the 4th time this has happened in THREE MONTHS!!!  They told me, if she doesn’t rectify it and if she does it again, she will close her account, my account (she’s underage, I am co-signer) and report it on my oh-so-stellar credit….great more stress.

I live in a beautiful house.  I have a tremendous landlord who I think was God sent to me.  But I also pay $325 PER MONTH more for my rent house, than I did for my mortgage.  I did this, because out of divorce guilt, I wanted to keep the kids close to their friends and in the schools they have gone to for many years.  I can handle it for two years, right?  Well, it pisses me off that the kids, don’t understand nor appreciate that I am doing this.  They know its more expensive, because we were all involved in picking our new home last summer.  We looked at some that were more affordable but they didn’t like them.  I’m sorry, the daughter didn’t like them.  The son would live whereever, as long as he had playstation….but it was important to me that the daughter have some “skin in the game.” 

Well, it’s a fight to get either of them to help keep it picked up.  NOT CLEANED within an inch of sterility, but keep the common areas picked up.  Put the dishes away, keep the towels/clothes/toothpaste picked up in the house bathroom.  No, I come home from work and start my second job, as maid/short order cook/ATM machine.

The daughter works now, which was a feat unto itself.  She wanted to lifeguard, has wanted to for over a year, and in her previous job, I encouraged her strongly to save money towards the class, as to BE a lifeguard, you have to be certified and the class costs $250.  I told her I didn’t think I should be on the hook for the class since it was a job she wanted for herself and she should save the money.  She didn’t yet by the Grace of God, she got a scholarship for the class and has thrown herself into her work.  I am very proud of her.  She hasn’t asked me for alot of money anymore, it’s more like “Can we go get Taco C?”  “Can you get my expensive shampoo, I’m out” (I use shampoo and condition that costs $3-5 TOTAL for both, she uses some crap that is $10-12 total for both)  I understand as a parent, I am responsible for providing the basics for them, but if it’s good enough for my hair, shouldn’t it be good enough for theirs? 

The kids can’t share anything, it’s like WWIII.  So it’s two tubes of toothpaste, separate shampoo and conditioner, etc.  Trust me, one will hide it from the other….

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash on the daughter, who is just like my beloved sister and has remarkable behavior traits of her dad, the son isn’t all that innocent when it comes to the money sucking….the son is just on a grander damn scale about it.  He breaks shit.  Big time.

He has an impressive lack of focus and an awesomely short attention span.  Which has cost me a lawn mower that will need to be replaced, umpteen pool accessories, bathroom repairs, screen door repairs, tv/dvd repairs, dvd replacements, rental game replacements, clothes and more electricity that I think the N. Texas electrical grid can handle. 

TV left on, every light in the room?  The son has been there.  Half eaten food and drink lying around in a pool of whatever?  The son has been there.  His answer?  “Oh, I didn’t SEE it.”  “Oh, I forgot.”

I have become that mommy….I am a pushover until I can take it no longer and then I erupt like Mt. Versuvius!  And I get called psycho.  Believe it or not – it kinda stings. 

I want my kids to like me, to respect me, to know I would do anything for them.  But I want them to have discipline, responsibilty and knowledge.  They fight me on it.  The son not as much as the daughter, but he’s not a teenager yet and she is full blown.

I know they love me fiercely.  I know they get how hard I work, how little their father does for them and to help me.  I know that I tell them things, usually in the frustration of the moment, that I shouldn’t.  But I am human.  Maybe I forced them to grow up too fast, I gave them to much adult knowledge too quikly and I am reaping the benefits of being a mother that grew up herself while raising kids. 

So now, I sit here tonight, knowing I have let my daughter down, knowing that I hurt in ways I can’t explain because I am too prideful.  Knowing I need help, but not knowing who or how to ask for it.  Knowing that my pride will keep me from admitting to those I need to that I need help to get out of this hole I have dug into. 

I know that my faith and my determination will get me through it, it always has.  My daddy raised a survivor and I am proud of that fact.  I will make it.  On my terms and in my own time.  My God carries me when I can’t take another step and shows me my options.  I float on my faith.

I don’t worry that I will make it, because if I worry, I doubt God and the work He does through me.  If I worry, I take the prayer I just sent up and negate it.  He hears my prayers and He will answer them.  In his way.  Doesn’t mean he’s going to send me a check or anything.  No, He is going to keep me calm, keep me centered and I will see the way.  It’s always worked in the past, it will always work in my present, I will depend on it in my future.

See, I am my own worst enemy.  I am harder on myself than anyone else ever will be.  I will stress about things I cannot change and I will lash out at those I love the most.  I will forgive and ask to be forgiven.  Tomorrow is a new day and it is full of promise. 

I am going to get up, put one foot in front of the other and wait for Auntie Oprah to call me.  Or Uncle Bill to knock on my door.  And I am going to keep doing my do’s because it’s what I am here for.

Yep, I am my own undoing…..I will unravel myself in a New York minute, get all hopped up on indignation and maytrdom….and I will pull myself back in.  My therapist would be so proud.

I have a saying clipped up at my desk and I live by it:

The Will of God will not take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

whew!  this ride is now over, did you survive?  I did…