My contribution, it’s for a good cause.

I don’t know how to start this post, I don’t have grand words, or an awesome “lead up” to the main event, so I guess I am gonna jump in with both feet and hope it ends up being something you can follow…

I am not what you would ever truly call a nice person.  Well, some can.  I am controlling, I am at times rigid, I am brutally honest and I am probably much more selfish than I wish I was.

But in the past year, I have known two people very close to me that have lost loved ones to breast cancer.  And I hurt for them, for their loved ones and I felt helpless.  Helpless pisses me off.

Whirly Girl lost her cousin Dianna Waters to breast cancer in January, 2008.  She bravely fought her battle for a year with her family and friends supporting her and loving her.  It hurt me to watch Leslie, in Texas, work against her guilt for not being there for her family, getting updates through Dianna’s CaringBridge journal and from family.  I hurt for Dianna’s family and knowing that this disease was a nasty beast that wasn’t playing fair.

The next one being Pat Tomerlin.  My friend, Darren, who is more of a brother to me, married Chaney, Pat’s daughter.  I have known Darren and Chaney for 12 years and would do most anything for them.  I consider them family.  Pat was diagnosed in March and passed away in May, of 2009.  Just two months later.  I watched Chaney go through this through updates to her Facebook page and phone calls to Darren.  As helpless as I felt, I just wanted to grab Chaney, hold her close and make the hurt go away.  I couldn’t and I learned of just how much strength a daughter can have, when faced with comforting a loved one through your own pain.  Chaney was graceful and strong when she didn’t think she could be and I am in awe of her.

These women fought the good fight.  And they have their reward in heaven…which I am more grateful for than I can put into words.

These two women are part of a growing group of people who have had won, lost and are waging a battle within themselves.  The enemy isn’t someone they can look at and hate, the enemy is in them…and it angers me to no end that we can’t find a cure for this.  That we are at the top of the food chain and this small mutating cell can knock us on our ass. 

I didn’t actually know either of them, but they were mothers, daughter, sisters, grandmothers, friends, neighbors to many and knowing that, I feel a little bit of the loss.  They were just like me, like your mom, your sister, your friend or co-worker.  And that blows my mind. 

I don’t do long term illness well, nor the comforting part.  I don’t handle death real well and never know the right words to say or the comforting thing to do.  And I hate the awkwardness that I feel, because I can’t control the universe and I get pissy.

I had decided I need to snap myself out of it.  My funk that has been clinging to me lately and decided a new ‘do would be just the answer…so I begin, looking for that stylish ‘do to make it all better!  I look at hundreds of photos and can’t find anything that I think will look nice with my FAT face so in my frustration I decide “Off with it ALL!!!”

And it hits me…

Cut it short, Steph…cut it and donate it to Locks of Love.  You are worried about how fat you will look with short hair, and these folks HAVE NO HAIR….see….SELFISH!!!!

So, I go to LocksofLove.org, and start reading.  I realize it’s for kids and my stone of a heart melts a little.  I was thinking of adults.  Hell, not KIDS….

And right then, I decided, I don’t care if I look like I have a watermelon on my shoulders, I am doing this.  For them, for me, for a tiny little victory in this horrible battle.

So I did it…as you will see below…it’s gone. 

My heart still hurts for Dianna, for Whirly, for Pat and for Chaney.  but it swells, just a little…

In honor of Dianna Waters and Leslie Moore.

In honor of Pat Tomerlin and Chaney Reames.

I am humble, from my soul, I am sorry for your loss.

 

 

urgh…

Too many in the past FOUR DAYS!!!  Too many…

Godspeed to all of you.  Godspeed. 

Ed McMahon, 1923 – 2009

 

Farrah Fawcett, 1947 – 2009

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

Billy Mays, 1958-2009

 

May you all rest in peace…..

If it peels, do I lose my tan?

ahhhh….I haven’t decided what’s better, the actual vacation or the first smell of home when you walk in the door.

oh, who am I fooling?  The VACATION is always better, right?

Let’s hit the highlights, then we shall delve deeper, m-kay?

1)  There are LOTS of jellyfish in the ocean

2)  Jellyfish will sting you.

3)  It hurts when a jellyfish stings you.

4)  No two people parent their children the same way.

5)  NEVER travel with folks who have unresolved issues.

6)  Always bring enough panties.

7)  Don’t travel for a birthday.  It is an underwhelming experience.

8)  The differences between an 18 year old, a 10 year old and a  5 year old are drastically magnified after an 8 hour car ride.

9)  Take long walks on beaches.  Build sandcastles.  Look at shells.

10) Drama doesn’t take vacations.

Let me say, I am glad I took this vacation.  I am glad that I went with everyone that I did.  It has taught me many things. 

We stayed in an AMAZING condo right on the beach on Mustang Island.  We have been staying at the same place for the past 13 years and have always had a wonderful time.  This year was not an exception.  Most of the time.

The room was fantastic and I will make sure to request it again, as I am already making reservations for next year.  I love going to the beach, feeling the sand between my toes, the smell of the salt in the air and the rapid slow down that I feel as I step one foot, then two feet into the warm, loose sand.  ahhhhhh…..

Now I promised a blog about the experience of traveling with the whole family, the bestie and the “foster” daughter.  Well, let’s just say, I probably built this trip WAY up in my mind, that we were all going to re-discover our close connections and that happiness was just going to abound.

yeah….I set myself up.

So I am going to say this, as this is my blog and I can air out what I feel, how I feel and when I feel it, because, well, I can…

I had a good time.  I could have had a better time if certain people had just left their bullshit at home for the duration of the trip.  It’s not like I ask for a lot of anything.  I asked for manners.  I asked for respect.  I asked you to shut up and not drag the ENTIRE group into your bullshit. 

We had good days, but there wasn’t a single, solitary day that didn’t have a degree of bullshit to it.  Somehow, someway, I spent at least 30 minutes of my vacation dealing with multiple personalities, passive agressive behavior, ill manners, stomping around, crying and accusations.

And this was from the adults. 

The kids, well, they are kids…they fart, burp, say inappropriate things, but they are kids.  I will 100% take responsibility for my two, for their actions, for their manners.  Others need to do the same. 

This was not just your vacation.  Any of you that I am thinking of as I am typing this…not helping, not “pitching in”, taking advantage of my not wanting to cause conflict…well, here is your comeuppance. 

You pissed me off.  And now, you will know…

Not helping with the meals, not helping with the dishes, or picking up the wet towels…it’s rude and lazy.  Expecting that some Condo Fairy was going to pick up after your lazy asses was the wrong assumption.  It was me.  You’re welcome.  And your attempts at “helping” as in “I did the dishes once…”  (There were five days, count ‘em!) well, they were just as lazy as if you sat there watching me do it from your cozy chair, couch, bed, etc. 

And deciding every fucking day needed to have a dose of soap opera…that wasn’t necessary.  I Tivo’d General Hospital the whole week…I didn’t need the live action version.  But the screaming at me on my birthday was an awesome present…especially since I wasn’t out of bed yet.

So no…there probably won’t be anymore vacations like this.  Sorry.  I don’t shell out the money I do so I can have the same conversations with folks everyday…no one had an outstanding time.  And it wasn’t all one person that acted up…there were several. 

I find that it’s ironic…the children were at times MUCH more well behaved than the adults.  I can’t imagine what we are teaching them.

blech….

On a more positive note, I have walked away with a rockin’ tan…I look like a coffee bean.  Not as coffee bean as the niece…I swear, I could actually sit and watch her as she tanned…not burned like the rest of us…but just browned up…

The look on the son’s face will carry me through.  From our bodysurfing together, to our walks on the beach, to watching him catch fish and crabs and shrimp.  That shining face, his eyes lit up…made me happier than I can explain.

…as will the sound of laughter as my daughter dropped her cool facade and just became my girl…for a week…her laugh and smile is burned in my memory.

I have not had as much fun looking for shells as I did with my niece…she was fascinated with everyone of them that I put in her hands and I loved building the sandcastle with her and the son…I think it was the best part of my trip…just me, the niece, the son and the sister…in the evening shade, building a sandcastle. 

That the bestie and the daughter thought it would be fun to destroy later that night.  grrr…..

If I could take all the awesome parts of the trip, throw out the ugly moments, we would have a day left…we wasted too much time on the score keeping, the hurt feelings, the menutiae….we got bogged down in bullshit. 

and that makes me infintely sad.

I think I am going to go check on my sunburn, look at the pictures I took (a joy from my dad…I am in few, because I am behind the camera) and remember the fun times…and let go of the bad ones.

I hope the others can follow my lead.

I’m a Ramblin’ (Wo)Man…

Well, we have gotten to the point that we are counting hours until vacation time.  Meaning, the son, has been counting down hours for the past 7 days…

“It’s only 168 hours, 167 hours 166 hours until we leave, right mom?”

whoo-whee, I need this vacation.  we skipped a vacation last year because with gas at $4.69 a gallon, driving to work was a vacation! 

so, summer is here (well technically, in 4 days) and I am mindful that summer is both a blessing and the bane of my existence.

The kids have a pool, DVD players, XBox, computers, Playstations, PSP and Nintendo DS’s.  Did I mention they HAVE A POOL? 

They have basketball, skateboards, bicycles, games, books, legos and a park ACROSS THE STREET…

and they are bored….

well, the son is…the daughter is a party animal and doesn’t come home except to sleep and shower.  Not really, kinda….she works all day, then it’s play time.  So I have seen her a total of about 40 minutes since graduation.

This vacation will trap her in a car with me for 8 hours.  And then in a condo for 6 days….except when we are on the beach.

Now, we all know how the daughter and I are like gasoline and a match in the car…but we have two others riding with us that are a buffer.  And Whirly has gotten me some Tylenol PM, so I will knock myself out and sleep most of the way…I hope.  It would be a real pisser to start a vacation fighting for control of the radio.

This is the first vacation in THIRTY years that my sister, my mom and I have all been on together.  Last time was S. Padre Island when I was nine.  We had a blast.  Well, the sister and I did….chasing sand crabs across our mommy’s feet!  She didn’t seem to appreciate this as much as we did.

We’ve decided to pack up the daughter, the son, the daughter’s bestie (and my favorite friend), the mother, the sister, the niece and one of my besties Tanner…

this should make for a glorious trip.  We will either all love each other or hate each other by the time we get back. 

I sure hope it doesn’t turn into some weird episode of Survivor and we start voting people off.  Because there’s only three cars and someone is gonna get left behind.

Wish me luck.

awkward is…

I can’t decide which is more mortifying for me…

…the fact that I was dancing (yes dancing) in my office to ‘NSync when the door was opened by a co-worker with a look of suprise and amusement on her face…

…or the fact that a vendor just called me back and apparently, I didn’t hang up when I decided to sing “Everlasting Love” at the top of my lungs in the same office.

And it’s just Tuesday…

*sigh*

I need a nap….

Economic dialogue with the Son…

As the son gets older, he gets wiser…and so much funnier. 

Alright, I will admit, his sarcastic nature probably comes from me and is nutured by the fact that he lives with women.  ONLY women.  There are some strong male role models and yes, even some of these are women…(I jest!!!)

So, I was taking the son to the grandmother the other day and the following conversation almost caused a wreck.  a funny almost wreck but still…a wreck…

Son:  “Mom, do you think that the poeple who live in those big houses have kids?”

Me:  “I would hope so.  Seems like an awfully big house to only have two people in it, right?”

Son:  “Yeah, but they wouldn’t have to share the bathrooms.”

[pause]

Son:  “Mom, how do the people pay for those big houses and all those cars?”

Me:  “They work, like I do.  They make money, they save money, they pay their bills and have nice houses.”

Son:  “They make a lot of money.  What do they do?”

Me:  “They are probably doctors, lawyers or people who have invested really well.”

Son:  “Explain investing.”

Me:  “You put money into a business or some land and hope that it gets more valuable, then when you sell it, you have more money than you put into it to start, understand?”

Son:  “Sorta, what happens when there’s not worth anything?”

Me:  “It’s called a loss.   Ummm…..ok, like when your sister borrows $10 bucks from you….”

Son:  “She borrows MORE THAN THAT!!!”  (said with great emphasis)

Me:  “I know.  But let’s pretend that she only borrows $10, and in a week, she comes back and says  ”Hey, I know I borrowed $10, but I only have $8.  So I can only give you this much.”  That’s a loss.   But if she says “Here, I borrowed $10, and I will give you a whole $20 bill for helping me out. ”  You just made how much?”

Son:  “A million dollars because I am gonna go play the lottery…”

I love that kid…

Spongebob, Crankypants

It’s a gorgeous, warm, breezy Friday…so maybe that’s it.

Tanner thinks it’s sympathy irritability for her kidney stones.

Whatever it is, I am in a spectacularly pissy mood.  And it has come upon me in a matter of 20 minutes.

It has been a whirlwind week of activity.  Let’s see…

• Monday, that in itself defines cranky day.
• The son’s award ceremony was on Tuesday.  Not much to report there other than the same moms ignored me the same way they have for three years.  Nevermind we served on the PTA board together.  Or we did until my senior decided to take over my life the past six months.
• We went to my niece’s kindergarten graduation on Tuesday night…which should be a blog in itself…oh, wait…it will be.  Suffice it to say, I almost bit my tongue off to keep from verbally assaulting a parent.
• Wednesday found Whirly Girl deciding to cut her finger open at work and requiring stitches in her finger.  As I sat in the waiting room of an urgent care facility because we aren’t “a legal couple.”  Yeah…my head almost spun off my shoulders on that one!
• Thursday….hmmm….nope, nothing.
• Which leads to today…I have people in my orbit that want to come across as really great friends.  That I matter to them.  In reality, they are simply party friends.  And that’s TOTALLY OK.  But don’t use me for a stepping stone to further parties.   Most days, that wouldn’t tick me off.  But today…it does.

I have also found that folks that walk into my space while I am on the phone and decide to (a) begin a conversation with me with no regard for my being on the phone or (b) want to stand there and wait until I get off the phone, staring and listening to the whole conversation, should expect to be pelted with (1) paper clips (2) rubber bands (3) spit wads or (4) water balloons…

grrrr….

and if you are in my office, looking around on my desk for something…that’s not going to make me happy either.  I don’t dig around in your stuff.  Stay outta mine.

grrr…..

I have talked to the Respondent everyday for the past month.  And I am beyond impatient at this point.  In fact, when I see his number on the caller ID, I simply answer, “What?”  He doesn’t understand why I am not more civil to him…

I don’t know…maybe four years of death threats, name calling, harrassing telephone calls, turmoil for my kids….maybe THAT’S why I am not nicer to you dickhead…you haven’t earned it.  now, leave me alone! 

grrrrr….

And I think something has happened to my unicorn…I haven’t seen him lately, perhaps he only comes out in the spring.  Until Easter.  But I am worried about him.  I may stop by the McDonald’s and see if they know his whereabouts.

Basically…my crappy attitude is pointing to the fact that I have two more weeks until vacation…two whole weeks.  Which is two weeks too long for my feet to NOT be in the sand.

I did however, hear “The Candy Man Can” and “Joy to the World” on the way back to work this afternoon so that helped.

But it didn’t help that I had to leave work and then COME BACK…on a day like this…

see…the Lord giveth…the Lord teaseth…*sigh*

in the olden days…

My son asked me when I got my MySpace page, as he is wanting (1) said MySpace page, (2)cell phone & (3)a curfew. 

Did I mention the boy is 10?  (almost 11 MOM!!!)

So, no, at 10 I didn’t have any of the above…

MySpace came along about 4 years ago to track the daughter and became my fascination…until Facebook…and Facebook happened 6 months ago.   It wears me out…

I have figured out that Facebook and MySpace are the same thing as a time machine for the most part…I can go back to high school at any moment, but is that a good or a bad thing?  I guess it depends on the day and the picture that is posted!

Then came this here blog about 2 years ago and I have yet to run out of things to say…

I remember my dad FORCING me and my sister to take the cell phone and the diaper bag you had to carry it in when we went somewhere.  It was what, $4.50 per minute and we HATED it.  Now the daugher hyperventilates if she leaves the house without it.

I have personally LOST three and cannot tell you where the current one is.  I think it’s in the car…(hope, hope or it’s #4)

We didn’t have MySpace or Facebook or YouTube or Twitter.  What the hell is Twitter exactly?

I am contemplating getting rid of the MySpace page and/or the Facebook and just doing this…maybe…I’m pretty wishy washy about it and he thinks it crazy I would get rid of any of it.

We had Pong on Atari and no MTV.  He has a Playstation II, an XBox 360, a Nintendo DS and a PSP.   We didn’t have a remote until I was 11. 

Our telephone had a cord on it until I was 15.  And we thought it was great fun to have a “party line.”

My kids stare at me like I have three heads and a horn growing out of the middle head. 

*sigh* when did I become old?

She did it!!!

 This post started in December, as a blurb for the Daughter’s baby page in her senior yearbook.  I have picked it up and put it down so many times….I can’t believe it’s finally here!

 

Wow Maggie,

 

It’s here.  Your graduation.  It seems to have come too quickly.

 

It’s always been you and me, against the world.  You are my strongest warrior, my lifeforce.  You gave me purpose, you gave me joy, comfort, tears and laughter.

 

It seems like yesterday, you were starting kindergarten, you held on so tightly.  I never wanted you to let go, knowing you would have to and I would let you.  

 

To say I love you doesn’t do justice to the emotions I feel today.  I have been honored to watch you grow into a beautiful young woman and I am proud of your many accomplishments. 

 

You have loved your family and have learned the lessons.  You have an amazing connection with Riley and he will be a better man, because you are his sister.  Know that he loves and admires you in so many ways and for so many reasons, he is proud to be your little brother.

 

Thank you for allowing me to join you on your journey.  I love you, more than you will ever know.  More than I can ever express.

 

 You are a miracle in my life.  In our lives.  Everyday.

  

Mommy, Riley and Leslie

 

 

Can I tell you how puffed up and proud I am?  How in shock and amazed I am?

 

My baby girl is graduating.  6 weeks ago, we weren’t sure.  Well, correction, I wasn’t sure.  I had a meeting with her counselor to tell me that she was failing (wait for it) THREE classes and would have to attend summer & night school.

 

WHAAAATTTT?????

 

Actually to quote her”

 

“I wouldn’t send out her graduation annoucements yet.”

 

The daughter kept telling me over and over that she was ok, that she was gonna graduate, that she was gonna do it…and I held out.

 

Through the stupidity of well…a nameless counselor…she is graduating, was all along.  The counselor had out of date information, miscounted the number of credits she has and didn’t know she had dropped a class. 

 

Can you imagine what kind of MONSTER fights happened in my casa…the amount of stress we were under for 6 weeks, because she didn’t double check….?  augh!!!!

 

Well…Dunce McCounselor and the NOT CLEAR list, which said the daughter owed $460 to various events BEFORE she could get the cap and gown…of which…mommy had heart failure….and carpal tunnel from the check I wrote…

 

So….announcements went out.   Bacalaureate was attended, as well as two rehearsals…tickets have been received.  And she is at school now, picking up her cap & gown for me to iron.  whew!!!

 

So, here’s to the Class of 2009 and to my daughter Maggie!!!!

 

I am proud of you kid.  You proved it to me and everyone else, most of all, you proved it to yourself….

 

You are a winner.  You are a survivor.  You are a leader.

 

 

Tomorrow, I will watch my baby girl walk across that stage with as much heart ache and pride as I can handle.

 

Tomorrow, the one who didn’t want to leave me in kindergarten by herself, will do this…for her….on her own.

 

Checkmate daughter.  Well played.

 

 

Hey douchey….it’s not a step for mankind…

I got about two seconds to get this thought out of my head while I am burning dinner…

Folks….

upholding Proposition 8 isn’t really a reason to celebrate…it’s upheld descrimination.  Just thought I would point that out.

so, when you are joyously celebrating that some folks have been prevented from the right to lawfully be wed…

Women didn’t have the right to vote until 1920…

But we sure could bear the children that grew up and turned into the yutzes that have made these archaic laws…and continued to vote on them.

pissy, pissy, pissy…